Monday, June 6, 2011

Top Ten Biggest Surprises coming out of DC Comics Decision to Revamp and Restart all of their Titles at Issue #1.

1) Barry Allen will be the Flash; in fact he will be every Flash.  Various dimensionally shifted and time plucked versions of him will be the Golden Age Flash, Flash One Million and Kid Flash.  An extremely bizarre accident with the Cosmic Treadmill and a misplaced Razorang in the Flash Museum will also make him Jesse Quick.

2) Wonder Woman will continue to wear pants as a sign of respect for women everywhere. She will also continue to have bosoms so large they defy the laws of physics peeking out of the top of her costume as a sign that the guys in charge still don’t get it.

3) Due to a lucrative deal with the Crayola Company, there will now be forty-eight different lantern colors in the emotional spectrum. The first two featured will be the Burnt Umber Lanterns (Crankiness) and the Mauvelous Lanterns (A passion to grout tiling).

4) Ted Kord triumphantly returns as the Blue Beetle…based on a concept by Franz Kafka.

5) Every issue of Hawkman will feature a different version of the character with a different creative team.  Still, no one will care.

6) In order to be successful with the new young target audience, and maintain the traditional connection of the Justice Society with World War Two, a new reason will be established for how they’ve continued as crime fighters for over seven decades. They’re youthful, angst ridden vampires that sparkle.

7) Batman International will be replaced by Batman Inundated, where Bruce uses the remnants of Brother Eye to perform blanket mind control on the world to end crime. Now every human being on Earth is Batman, except Bruce who is far too busy running Waynecorp’s chain of dry cleaners specializing in capes.

8) Lois and Clark were never married. Neither were Arthur and Mera, Ralph and Sue, Ray and Jean, Barry and Iris…nobody. Not even Jonathan and Martha Kent or Thomas and Martha Wayne; Clark and Bruce are now their nephews. It is all part of a youth appeal plan following the pattern of Marvel’s new parent company.

9) Aquaman will be given a giant publicity push with a new ongoing series with one of DC’s greatest creative teams, both of whom individually have brought characters out of obscurity… and the world at large will still only remember him from a cartoon in the 1970’s where he was the guy who talked to fish and got captured.

10) Seventy Five years of confusing character history and continuity will be wiped clean…to be replaced with equally confusing NEW character history and continuity. Expect solicits for Flashpoint 2: The Wrath of Johns before year’s end.

I just hope with all these changes DC can make enough money from every issue being number one in September to almost offset the huge financial drop off caused by October’s marketing slogan, “Number Two Comics”.


Matthew Drabik said...

Especially like #3

Linda said...

Does it say something bad about comics over the past umpteen years that I was with you until about #3 as being completely possible

Jeff McGinley said...

Thanx for coming guys. I don't know about the first two, but I"m pretty sure 5 and 9 happened in the 90's.

I'm glad #3's a hit...its an inside joke for one of the funniest, and sadly unavailable sit-coms ever.