Flashback
to 2014 with some modifications: Godzilla is in plain sight, slightly larger at
a whopping 393 feet, has real Godzilla claws instead of dopey sauropod feet,
and properly shaped dorsal plates. These are further indications that director Michael
Dougherty is an awesome and true Godzilla fan and the rest of the film will
continue in this way, bringing modern effects, technology and music to what made
us all classic Godzilla fans in the first place.
Woo!
Behaviorist
Dad and Communications Mom search the rubble carrying Morgan Stark and fail to
find Dead Son.
NOW.
Morgan
Stark has aged to be Eleven (the person not the age), she simultaneously
secretly emails to check on estranged Behaviorist Dad, suspiciously questions
Communications Mom and sets the kitchen on fire. Responding to an alarm (louder than the smoke alarm) reveals she and Mom
are in a Monarch location in China and a
giant egg is hatching inside the temple next door. Out comes a ginormous irritated caterpillar.
The numerical designation of the base is 61. Like most of them, it is keyed to
the Kaiju’s first year of appearance. Woo!
Communications
Mom calms Mothra down (for it is she) with the Orca device and a familiar
theme song is heard. Woo! The Maguffin’s name is a much better tribute
to Jaws than HIDING GODZILLA FOR AN
ENTIRE MOVIE! (I may not have worked through all my issues with the 2014 film.)
Evil
Mercenaries storm the base led by Ra’s Al Numsie, kill everyone else and take
Eleven, Communications Mom and the Orca with them.
News
of this interrupts a congressional review of Monarch causing British Scientist
(from the last movie) Doctor Serizawa (no, not that one) and Doofy Scientist to
rush out. Since they were in the middle
of explaining that Monarch doesn't need military assistance or control at the
moment a group of armed thugs broke into the first (of what will be several)
sites, “poor timing” doesn't begin to cover it.
The
three meeting leavers rush off to the forest to find Behaviorist Dad, because
he has a better chance to find his estranged family than their global scientist
and paramilitary filled organization. OK
then.
At
the awesome, giant underwater Monarch base hidden in an oil rig used to track Godzilla, (Outpost 54,
naturally, and armed with masers! woo!) we learn why they didn’t want military interference…they have their
own army run by Colonel Boss Lady. It consists of three named people (Latin
Soldier Guy, Awesome Pilot Lady, and Ice Cube Junior), and a horde of Kaiju
food. We also meet two other exposition
providing experts, Snarky Audio Guy, and Spooky Asian Mythologist.
Godzilla
swims by to flash his plates and pull an impressive jump scare before swimming
off though the hollow earth to the rest of the movie. Behaviorist Dad figures
out that Mothra was a diversion and Ra’s Al Numsie must be going for something
bigger, because Behavior! When he mentions “something bigger” everyone in the
room suddenly looks like they wet themselves.
Considering
the size of the military force that Monarch calls up to get munched on, stepped
on, and otherwise monsterized in this film, you have to wonder where they all
are, as only a handful are guarding the Antarctic base with a familiar and super
colossal huge multi-headed shadow encased in the ice. The base is Outpost 32 (as a reference to one more after Carpenter’s The Thing but my daughter insists it's a shout out to “Three heads, two
tails.”) The shadow is referred to as the equally familiar, “Monster Zero.”
(Woo!)
The
Monarch strike team reaches the base in what must be a ridiculously fast flying
wing before the bad guys can complete their plan. Behaviorist Dad doesn’t trust the
paramilitary strike team and runs out into the ice to save his estranged family from the
deadly mercenaries armed with a single stolen pistol. Good luck with that.
Amazingly,
he comes pretty close to achieving his goal. That is until we learn
HOLY CRAP!!!! Communications Mom is working WITH Ra’s Al Numsie!!
when she blows up the ice freeing the main antagonist of the film (and the franchise, honestly). She and Eleven leave with the mercenaries while Behaviorist Dad goes after them in a dramatic elevator chase scene. (Really!) Since he’s not a total jerk, and we need them for the rest of the movie, he reverses his elevator to rescue many named characters.
HOLY CRAP!!!! Communications Mom is working WITH Ra’s Al Numsie!!
when she blows up the ice freeing the main antagonist of the film (and the franchise, honestly). She and Eleven leave with the mercenaries while Behaviorist Dad goes after them in a dramatic elevator chase scene. (Really!) Since he’s not a total jerk, and we need them for the rest of the movie, he reverses his elevator to rescue many named characters.
The
good guys arrive on the surface and head into one of their osprey aircraft
while a group of “Not the Military” Monarch soldiers look nervous. And well
they should as, in all its two tailed, three headed, golden scaled glory, all 521
feet of King Ghidorah rises out of the ice, to his new chanting monk
accompanied orchestral theme. All of that size is apparent,yet he is able to
interact with the humans because the effects and performance capture are that
good. (Woo!)
One
of the “soldiers” appropriately drops the sole PG-13 allowed F-bomb right
before Ghidorah’s gravity beams vaporize the squad.
With
a hint of his Ifukube theme, Godzilla makes an impressive entrance out of the
ocean and the two ancient enemies have a truly awesome battle on the ice
shelf.
Note:
I will reference Godzilla’s Theme and March in this piece, they both are often part of single musical cues but there is a difference.
His
theme is the slower one that goes- “BWOM, bwom bwom bwom bwom BWOOOOMMMMMM!”
While
the march is the faster one that goes- “Dun dun dun, Dun dun dun, dun dun dun
dun DUN dun dun”
Thank
you.
The
battle is viewed from far enough to see it, and also from the close up humans' eye view. This is much to the dismay of
the osprey, and especially British Scientist (from the last movie) who gets stepped
on by Monster Zero forcing us to worry about the other named characters for the
rest of the film.
The
Big G takes a bit of a beating and has to swim off after his flying foe who
vanishes in a category six hurricane.
Given they’ve nearly been (or have been in some cases) trod on by skyscraper
sized monsters, we can forgive the Monarch Gang for not panicking at the moment
about a category SIX HURRICANE.
The
good guys regroup in the Flying Wing and try to make sense of what
happened. Behaviorist Dad says it was
definitely Communications Mom who pulled the trigger. The Monarch gang isn’t sure they believe him,
until Communications Mom facetimes to explain she’s releasing the Titans (Kaiju)
to save the earth from humans. They all
call her an idiot (justified), and Spooky Asian Mythologist calls her a bitch.
(Equally justified.)
Her
and Ra’s Al Numsie’s next target is in a volcano in Mexican outpost 56. Hmmm, “56,” a volcano? who could it be?
Rodan bursts out of the volcano in what may be the best entrance of the film. He’s partially made of stone and lava now, because an 871 foot wingspan pterodactyl just wasn’t cool enough for these kids today. (Woo!)
Rodan bursts out of the volcano in what may be the best entrance of the film. He’s partially made of stone and lava now, because an 871 foot wingspan pterodactyl just wasn’t cool enough for these kids today. (Woo!)
The
Monarch Gang are coordinating evacuation and freaking out because they realize
that Monster Zero isn’t hiding in the Category Six storm, he’s generating it and steering it.
Dang! It’s also heading towards Rodan, leading
to the first fully rendered airborne Kaiju fight. This is good as Rodan was practically
smirking as he tore through Monarch’s “not the air force” fighter jets. Things go poorly for the winged one with a single
head. Luckily Godzilla leaps out of the
ocean and takes the three headed evil one down into his turf before he can take
out the Osprey, the Flying Wing and everyone we’ve met so far.
The
real King Kaiju rips off one of his foe’s heads (Kevin) and looks about ready
to win. Sadly, the military are always idiots in these films and General Previous
Movie fires the Oxygen Destroyer (Woo!) at both Kaiju. It kills a bunch of fish (like it does) and
probably Godzilla (like it does) but not Monster Zero (like it doesn't). Nice one there General Previous Movie.
Eleven
and Ra’s Al Numsie are upset and excited by this respectively, but both agree
that Communications Mom is an idiot.
WOO!!!
SHOBJIN!!!!!!!
Anyway,
Behaviorist Dad is going to find his daughter in an osprey, despite having
absolutely no idea where on earth she is.
Luckily, Mothra flies in to play some cool traditional music, clear the
clouds and sprinkle magic dust on a path to Godzilla. This is because, and I am not
making this up, they have “a thing.”
Well, she does have wing spots that match his eyes.
Yup,
gives Godzilla Vs. The Thing a whole
new meaning now.
Some
of the people we know, which if this wasn't a Godzilla film, I’d probably care
about more, follow the magic dust trail in a conveniently located
submarine. He's resting in radioactive sunken ruins of
a civilization that worshiped Godzilla (Seatopia?) They get there through the hollow earth
tunnels that Cab Blues predicted, exciting Snarky Audio
Guy to no end.
While
this is going on, the rest of the Monarch Gang tries to help out in Washington
DC, which due to a combination of Rodan, King Ghidorah and his category six
storm is simultaneously broken, flooded and on fire. Woo!
Eleven
has had enough of her mom’s idiocy, steals the Orca and brings it to Fenway
Park to draw King Ghidorah away from whatever he’s doing. Communications Mom goes to find her, with
Ra’s Al Numsie, and all his men calling her an idiot again for good measure.
The
Orca works, stopping the other Kaiju rampages that have been going on all over
the earth, and summoning Ghidorah to Boston.
There are two awesome moments about his arrival at Fenway, even if you aren’t a
Yankee fan.
1)
He makes the classic Showa era “bidibidibidibidibidibidibidi” noise right
before he gets there.
2)
His arrival really drives home the MASSIVE SCALE of the Kaiju.
Remember
(sorry for bringing this up) the scene in the 1976 King Kong where the giant ape is captured in Shea Stadium. He looked huge, dwarfed all the people and
vehicles but was still well contained within the confines of the stadium.
Ghidorah
takes out most of Fenway by stepping on it with one foot.
Woo!
Back
under the sea the submarine weapons are damaged, messing up plan “Jump Start
the Giant Monster with a Nuclear Torpedo.”
That is, messing it up until Doctor Serizawa (not that one) realizes he’s
due for a heroic sacrifice, brings the bomb in himself and gets a personal improvised
in Japanese moment with the gorgeously rendered King Kaiju (“good bye old
friend”…sniff) before being atomized.
The big sub escapes, breaches, and the Godzilla march blares full force as he
triumphantly rises, fading into his theme while he breaths an atomic blast
skywards. Woo!
Colonel
Boss Lady shows up with the remaining Monarch Gang in the flying wing to gather
the human cast for the rest of the movie in Boston. That city is having a bad day because King
Ghidorah is wrecking most of it chasing after Eleven and the Orca.
Then,
there is an awesomely familiar roar, and the March is used as originally
intended for the military forces as they are accompanying Godzilla into battle.
Woo! They are also discovering that
Godzilla’s extra bit of blue glowing means he’s supercharged from the atomic
blast and may blow up soon. Oopsie.
There
is much cheering. (Actually, there was much cheering throughout the very
excited opening night Godzilla fan crowd.) Woo!
Mothra
swoops in to help her man, but Rodan shows up to make it a city wide four way
Kaiju tag team! Woo!
Rodan
takes the upper hand, er wing in the airborne fight, until we learn this Mothra
has a big honkin’ stinger. Woo!
Still,
she’s pretty much on fire, but hanging in there.
Meanwhile, Godzilla puts in a good effort, but the larger King Ghidorah
lifts him up into outer space, and drops him with a harsh finality. Mothra launches a direct assault, which goes
astonishingly badly in the face of a triple gravity beam blast. The Queen of Monsters vaporizes into what
some of us old Heisei era fans recognize as “magic dust” that drops on
Godzilla. His little blue glowing cracks are now red, and though he’s not
moving, still it’s some nice foreshadowing.
Oh
yeah, there are some humans in this movie we’re supposed to pay attention
to. Everyone whose names we know lands
to rescue Eleven. Even Communications
Mom shows up, and works with Behaviorist Dad to fix the Orca and give Godzilla
a break after Eleven is found.
Finally
agreeing that she has been an idiot, Communications Mom sacrifices herself to
lead Ghidorah away from not only Godzilla but everyone else. Lady in a Humvee versus the largest of all
Kaiju is a remarkably short battle, but long enough for the Big G to take
advantage of the dual supercharging by science and magic.
To
add insult, and more injury, to injury, he uses a regular atomic blast breath to
finish the last head while eating it…
WOOOO
HOOO!!!
Godzilla
then roars proudly as all the Titans (Kaiju) gather around him and bow.
This
is not an “Alpha”of a pack as the film keeps referring to him…
No
this is the lead god of a mythological pantheon!
WOOOO!!!!
Cue
the credits and a mix of awesome new music, and new versions of Toho and Blue Oyster
cult classics all by Bear McCreary, who has fantastically brought in a giant orchestra and chorus to lend unprescendented power to the classic tunes.
While they play we see news articles (one by Steve Martin, Woo!) about
how the Titans (Kaiju) are making the world better.
Ra’s
Al Numsie shows up in a post credits scene to buy the Ghidorah head (Kevin)
that Godzilla ripped off in the Ocean.
Will
he use it to make a Mecha King Ghidorah or Mechagodzilla to face Kong and Godzilla
in March?
As we see a tribute to Yoshimitsu Banno (writer/director of Godzilla vs, Hedorah) and the heartwarming photo of Haruo Nakajima (Godzilla suit actor for the first TWELVE films)
We can only hope. WOOO!
We can only hope. WOOO!
Note:
I apologize if some events are out of order. I can’t watch this and take notes
like the other ones. Even after six viewings I still get caught up in a film
that makes me feel like a kid again since it looks like the original Showa
classics felt in my childhood head.
Maybe once I’ve seen it the nearly infinite times I’ve seen the other
films I’ll edit this.
SKREEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNKKKK!!!!!
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