Let Me Tell You of the Days of High Adventure!

Conan the Barbarian is a character who works by nature of being incredibly straight forward, yet, amazingly, very few writers nail that simplicity correctly.

I discovered the “real” Conan in the same weird bookshop at the dying Morris County Mall in Cedar Knolls, where I purchased Burroughs’s Tarzan novels.

I never figured out if its weirdness stemmed from ordering eclectic and unusual stock, or from almost no one shopping there and having an extremely old stock. 

I amassed the full set of a particular release series of Barbarian tales over multiple trips.  
Regular visits to that mall were required as it also housed an undervisited Bradlees featuring a toy department that was a fantastic, off the path, practically hidden, stash of action figures. This was in the days before web based specialty shops, direct ordering, and even looking online to know when stuff comes out. It was in the height of the days that the thrill of the hunt ruled.

The Conan books were some of my favorites. However, it was always incredibly clear which stories were penned by the Cimmerian’s creator, Robert E. Howard, and which were written by others. This included the cases where seasoned fantasy writers like L. Sprague De Camp or Lin Carter would complete an unfinished Howard adventure, or take a Howard story set in another time, featuring another lead, and morph it into a Conan story. Most of his leads were burly tough guys so that's not as out there as it sounds.

Back in pre-internet days, I had to figure that transition out all by myself. I was reading De Camp’s Conan tale, “The Bloodstained God.”  It was a brand new acquisition, yet I kept thinking, “I know I’ve read this.”  I went to check my growing pile of Conan books and found the tale next to them in Howard’s book of stories about another of his many manly and mighty characters (Kirby O'Donnell) called Swords of Shahrazar.  The whole reason I owned that book was a mistake anyway, since I grabbed it in a Harvest Festival Book Barn stack noting the Author, Title and the word, “Conan” on the cover, but missing the note between the title and “Conan” where it said, “By the creator of.”

Sometimes I was in a little too much of a hurry to escape the German oom-pah band when leaving the original Book Barn.

All other writers try to give Conan far more character development, and internal turmoil than Howard ever did.

Early in college, Mom bought my sister and I calligraphy marker sets as a little extra present for Christmas. My sister naturally used hers for letters, invitations and other normal things. 

I immediately used the red one to transcribe an excerpt of my favorite Conan quote that truly sums up the character perfectly.  It is from one of the best stories that includes the introduction of a Conan’s true love and equal, Belit, “Queen of the Black Coast.”

“I seek not beyond death.

…

Let me live deep while I live;

let me know the rich juices of red meat and stinging wine on my palate,

the hot embrace of white arms,

the mad exultation of battle when the blue blades flame and crimson,

and I am content.

Let teachers and priests and philosophers brood over questions of reality and illusion.

I know this: if life is illusion, then I am no less an illusion,

and being thus, the illusion is real to me.

I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content."

It took two pages and I mounted it on black construction paper as a border.  Sadly after moving it- from home, to dorm, to back home, to condo, to cubicle- it finally fell apart when they renovated our office the third time. I haven’t had the energy, nor retained the skill, to recreate it.

My rather meandering point is-only the original author truly did the character right.

There is one exception.  Conan comics started at Marvel in 1970 (the same year I started at living…coincidence?) and ran to 1996.  Dark Horse got the license from 2003-2018 when it came back home to Marvel.  While there were a great many combinations of writers and artists that told and showed excellent and beautiful tales, it goes back to an original again for the best ones.  Roy Thomas was the first Conan writer at Marvel (as well as Stan Lee’s first follow up as editor in chief) and he’s the only one, in my overly soaked in this mythology opinion, to perfectly capture Howard’s version.   The artists are similar with a caveat.

Barry Windsor Smith was the original Conan artist. His pages are fantastic, and he really captures how I imagined the younger Conan, often compared to a hungry wolf, or panther a little later.  However, Big John Buscema was unparalleled, and still unequaled at showing the height of his powers, unstoppably mighty thewed, Amra the Lion age of Conan.

Side Note: Howard’s stories, much like classical myths and legends were not released chronologically following the life of Conan.  However reading all of them, there feels like a consistency based on his age of what animal Howard usually compares the Cimmerian to.   

The ancient realms Howard created have the geography and climate based on our world, with all kinds of fantastical and magical elements thrown in.  Conan travels throughout all of them and becomes (in probably the wrong order) an adventurer, a thief, a pirate, a mercenary, a king, and an explorer.  Yet during all these changes and locations, in Howard’s tales, he maintains the single minded Conan-ness at all times.

Other authors give him introspective moments of doubt, which never feel right. They also try to create drama by putting Conan in danger, “Will he survive? Will he escape?”

In any Howard story, there is never a question of whether or not Conan will triumph, the drama and suspense comes from figuring out what epic, massive, and lacking in any internal turmoil way he will accomplish this- and how much property damage, government upheaval, and corpses hewn from shoulder to hip he’s going to leave in his path.

While being a longtime fan of the literary character, my first encounter with him was probably the film. Once I bathed in the blood of the originals, for quite a while I treated 1982’s Conan the Barbarian the same way my too serious young and foolish mind set treated the ever awesome Adam West Batman or Roger Moore James Bond.  They were something too off the beaten path from the “respectable” source material.

I was outraged, outraged I say, when Conan was given the “Batman origin” of having his village and family killed before being taken into slavery. The books have him captured as part of a raid on another group and escaping on his own.  Yes, I was more focused on details than the overall feel of the character.

I’ve gotten better.

Having been drawn back to this film many times, it is clear why it stands a mighty thewed head a shoulder above the slew of followers it created.  This is not only because that slew included a comedy filled sequel, a  gender swapped pale imitation pseudo sequel, Matt Huston with a three bladed rocket sword, twin doofuses (doofi?) protecting their circus family, and a musclebound Doctor Doolittle in a loincloth. 

(OK, I really do like that last one…last two to be totally honest.)

Conan the Barbarian succeeds as a visual spectacle running on power and emotion. It nails the simplicity and definition of the character.  Arnold was often mocked by reviewers for his extremely limited amount of dialogue who missed the point - that is one of the movie’s strengths.  There’s a reason they cast bodybuilder Arnold, dancer Sandahl Bergman and  surfer Gerry Lopez as the three principals: Conan, Valeria and Subotai. Their main physical opponents are football player Ben Davidson as Rexor and power lifter Sven-Ole Thorsen as Thorgrim.

This is a visual tale.

The fact that Conan doesn't speak for the first twenty-four minutes, adds that much more power to the iconic answer to “What is best in life?”-

“Crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of the women.”

In fact, in the extended edition, which I naturally own, there is a scene when Conan and Subotai prepare for the Battle of the Mounds where they have a heartfelt discussion. It’s nice, but it takes away from the scored scene of preparation for that battle that visually conveys their bond much better.  Then Conan’s volatile prayer carries much more strength as the only spoken lines between the preparation and the battle.

The few extended speeches in the film are handled by other, more classically trained actors and stand out all the more because of it- such as  Max Von Sydow as King Osric, William Smith as Conan’s dad, and Mako as the Wizard.

Of course, James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom led them in bringing power and skill to their words, and handling the heavy lifting of the monologues.

Cassandra Gava as the “Warm you self by my fire” witch was probably cast for …well...other reasons too.  (As Arnold himself mentioned in the commentary after a long, thoughtful pause, "...I get laid a lot in this movie.")

I just wanted to mention her because I'm convinced, based on her transformation and location that she was the mystical leader of the wolf pack Conan slew when he was released.

The epic score by Basil Poledouris has been praised as a high mark in twentieth century classical music by experts on music I’m not going to take the time to look up while I’m writing about a barbarian film.  This is what holds the film together and is also what makes this sex and violence filled extravaganza remind me the most of another film that it probably shouldn’t.

Fantasia.

A large portion of the story of Conan is told through montages accompanied by the magnificent, emotional and powerful score. It is a display of the visualization of orchestral music, just like the Disney classic, but with more beheadings.

Seriously, there is only one track in the universe better than the “Anvil of Crom” to drive home to after a rough day at work- and that is “The Defilers” which has two other epic cuts mixed around the most bass heavy and awesome performance of “Anvil of Crom” ever.  

The film is a visual experience capturing the tone and flavor, if not the exact moments of the Howard stories.  Although biting the vulture in the Tree of Woe scene comes directly from one Howard tale.

Arnold at this point didn't have the speaking chops to handle a verbose cinematic lead, but did have an insane presence and emotive ability.  Acting silently carried the character well. A prime example is after his rescue and rejuvenation following the Tree of Woe.  He is clearly contemplating the riddle of steel, and Thulsa Doom's answer when swinging his massive sword around, all without uttering a sound.

The visuals apply other ways as well.  Conan’s evolution of purpose is clearly delineated by his choice of neck wear. First it is the symbol of the Wheel of Pain that formed him, then it is the symbol of the Cult of Set that drives him, and finally it is the Jewel of Valeria that inspires him.

Yes, they stole a lot of Belit’s character to make Valeria, but starting with Conan the Pirate would have been a mess.  

Valeria's arc is fine it works well, and she is an incredibly awesome character. She has goals and plans, is clearly smarter than the two men she's working with, and has a higher body count than they do in the battles they’re in together.  She also takes on the forces of the afterlife itself and wins...twice!

While Conan remains Conan, the story visually demonstrates his learning and growth.

This is sometimes shown in one montage:

His transformation and Arnoldization on the wheel of pain.

His evolution through styles and gaining self-worth as a pit fighter.

His training and increase of skill in the far east.

His quest for Doom.

Side comment on a couple of these-  The guy who used him as a pit fighter must be new at this, as his method for creating pit fighters was awful, and the creation of Conan was dumb luck.

Starting with the wheel of pain:  it looks like a grain mill of some kind. However, it’s in the middle of absolute nowhere, and there is never any evidence of grain going into or out of it. Clearly it is only design to pump up and barbarianize the slaves.  Since it is in the middle of nowhere, it’s clear that there isn’t a whole field of wheels of pain.  No other slaves got bigger  leading to the conclusion that the rest died. 

When Conan is finally economy size, after years of wheeling, and being the only survivor…he’s tossed into the arena with no weapons or training. Once again, it is by coincidence of his sheer Arnoldness that he survives.  After this Red Hair invests in training from that Hyrkanian sword master, he then lets Conan go.  

Not the shrewdest of businessmen there.  

Conan's progress is shown over longer stretches as well.
When they first raid the snake tower, Conan is a terrible thief. He lacks the gear he needs, and is responsible for them almost being caught.  Subotai doesn't need gear, and handles himself well.  

Valeria is clearly the master, though.  She leaves her weapon behind knowing there’s no fighting through that crowd and silently offs and replaces a worshiper to get in position, then insures their escape.

Conan learns from her and we see it in three phases. 

The first time he tries to infiltrate Thulsa Doom’s gathering, he fails epically, yet he is trying to follow Valeria’s example.  He silently and successfully replaces one of his enemies, leaving his sword behind.  On as many watchings as I have under my belt now, it seems clear that his failure came from not the overall execution, but from choosing a high priest to replace, instead of one of the common rabble, allowing an easier blending in.

Working with his two companions, he is later able to sneak in without anyone but the magically connected Thulsa Doom seeing them, and become “The Defilers” of the orgy.  That also showed a combination of understanding how to combine his unmatched battle skills and strength with the stealth he picked up from the others.

Leading up to the final confrontation with Doom he shows how much he learned from Valeria by using distractions to sneak through the temple to Thulsa Doom himself undetected.

In a rather bizarre conclusion, like Fantasia the mixing of music and images carry the story without words in a truly impressive fashion.

Plus, awesome broadsword fights and mayhem!  WOO!!!

Bring on the long delayed King Conan Please, while Arnold is still the right age.

Click here to see Anabelle make fun of this film