Monday, March 28, 2016

George Awards: Personally, I'm using the ones everybody else has been using.

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

Once again, after breaking a list for no reason, The Third George Awards are back to complete the awards for made up profanity.

Or words that kinda sound like profanity but aren’t.

Or ten scenes in movies with rude sounds and/or words that I couldn’t be fucking bothered to find a better theme for but really wanted to mention.

Speaking of really wanting to mention, I haven’t given a George Award to 1999’s Mystery Men for a while. I must be slipping.  Yes, there have already been citations for real swears in this favorite of mine, but this one sounds kinda dirty…and I yell it a lot. 
Well that’s all I’ve got.

Here’s Ben Stiller as Mr. Furious with number Five:

“Mamma Pajama”

There was a Disney Film last week, so it’s only fitting we bestow another George Award on the Jim Henson Company.  The world building Henson and Brian Froud put into 1982’s The Dark Crystal is positively Tolkienian in nature: 
Languages, mythologies, societies,
animals, plants…
and weird shit in between animals and plants.

It was truly a mature story told with puppets, as opposed to the recent attempt that ended up as Muppets for immature adults.  

Bonus awsomeness for all the incredible creation being hand crafted in the days before CGI.  

It makes sense that original crude epithets were also in the mix of items unique to Thera. 

This film is further proof in my continued quest to get the world to acknowledge that Muppets are so much more than their voice they really should retire them with the performers and make new ones.  To prevent sounding like well-known characters, other voice actors were used for the Dark Crystal. Yet it was still completely obvious (to Muppet geeks like myself) that-
Jim Henson was Jen and the Emperor,
Dave Goelz was Fizzgig and the Garthim Master,
and Frank Oz was the Chamberlin and George Award recipient Aughra.

Billie Whitelaw provided the words, but Oz’s “body” language added extra weight to her tirade at the Skesis.  What makes it overly impressive is the ancient as the planet, one eyed science witch managed to offend a crew based on the seven deadly sins.  In Fourth Place:

“Mouldy mildew, mother of mouthmuck,
dangle and strangle and death.”

The grand champion of the Hell George Awards, Conan The Barbarian spawned a mass of sword welding, muscle bound followers throughout the Eighties.  A company decided if one barbarian was awesome, twin barbarians would be even more awesomeer.  This company was Golan Globus, and…


They were wrong.

Part of their wrongness came from the “we can’t afford to show you one so it’s an invisible dragon” level budget.  Most of the wrongness came from bodybuilding brothers David and Peter Paul being incredibly goofy bastards for the entire film, and to be honest, pretty much their entire acting careers.  The Barbarians, from 1987, is a stupifyingly entertaining film because of these flaws, and their shenanigans gets them the Number Three George Award on this list.

Aside from squabbling like five year olds about who got the sword or the axe, Kutchek and Gore introduced an entertaining expletive in a call out to a made up mythology. It ended up sounding like a dirtier version of Wonder Woman’s, “Great Hera!” 

“Holy Eister!”

Ghostbusters (1984) has gotten a George Award before, and will likely get one again when future versions of the George Awards descend to the level of dick jokes.  For now, Doctor Peter Venkman wins Second Place in this bizarre and uncontrolled category for three reasons:

A) It sounds filthy while being completely clean.
B) It’s something I say about once a week.
C) It’s Bill Murry


Finally our First Place entry for whatever the hell this category is goes to Richard Dimitri.  He played the main villain in this 1984 movie, which amazingly also starred two comedians that no one expected would face each other in the hottest summer superhero action blockbuster of eight years later.  Those comedians were Michael Keaton and Danny Devito. 

Before they caused me to yell my own made up profanities out loud in a theater multiple times in Batman Returns, they appeared in Johnny Dangerously. This is a film famous for using Alan “the Skipper” Hale to make shelf paper funny.  Dimitri played crime boss Roman “Deported to Sweeden, claims he’s not from there” Moroni, and is basically the reason for this whole confusing category, because the following monologues deserves some kind of recognition in the George Awards.

You fargin sneaky bastage.
I'm gonna take your dwork.
I'm gonna nail it to the wall.
I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder.
I'm gonna cut off your arms.
I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole.
Dirty son-a-ma-batches!

I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel:
You lousy cork-soakers.
You have violated my farging rights.
Dis somanumbatching country was founded
so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens
like me
could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes...
like yourselves.

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