Farewell to Childhood

Warning

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.

This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.

Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.

End of Warning.

Many years ago, my ability to compose song parodies for sales meetings at work prompted a request from Customer Service.

One of the women working there asked me to help write a poem to be read along with the presentation of the end of the year thank you gift for the teachers.

So here it is:

    

The Greatest Prank

A day late for this story, but oh well, here's the tale:

Over the years I have submitted many theoretically funny essays, stories and poems to be judged for the Writer’s Digest annual contest.

None of them have gotten the slightest moment of recognition.

One day in the he coffee room at work, I found a freshly delivered box of flowers in the garbage can.   The image stuck with me and by the end of the weekend, this was in my head.

I sent it in, and it took 7^th place in the Rhyming Poetry category in 2010.

Perhaps I’m focused on the wrong type of expression?
Here's the poem:

Moo Mighty Moo Cow

Years back, my cousin sent me bizarre E‑mails about moo cows for a while, culminating in a little poem. 

It became the first verse of this…thing.

Then I wrote two more verses and a chorus. 

I'm not sure if it's funny, strange, or just stupid (possible all three). 

The fact that she went on to be a veterinarian, and I went on to attempt comedy on the internet twice a week may or may not be relevant, but I feel a bizarre urge to share it.

Maybe the moo cows have gotten to me too...or maybe it’s just the deadlines.

 "Praise The Mighty Moo Cow" 

by Lauren and Jeff

The Not Before Christmas

Since everyone else seems to have written their own versions of this Clement Moore classic…

Not to be confused with the Clayton Moore classic, “Hi-Yo Silver, Awaaaaaaaaaaay!”

I figured I’d have a go.

Although now and days, I think it’s the grown-ups who really need Santa.

Here Comes October

Many years ago, someone mentioned to the cafeteria staff that I might be the one to contact for a rhyme to go along with their “Guess the amount of Candy Corn in the Jar” contest.

They ended up using one of these…

I don’t remember which, although I’m pretty sure of one they didn’t pick.

Flying Bananas to Europe

This is a song…

or a poem,

or something that formed in my head when the title was said in a very boring meeting.

I really need a shorter leash for my brain

What if Dr. Seuss was a Dirty Old Man

This one started as a story of the only bachelor party I ever went to that I was never happy with.  It wasn't my style in general and never came out right.  One night I forgot my reflux medication and woke up at 3am with this fully formed in my head. (Which indicates there's probably some other medication I should be on)

Ode to a Gentlemen’s Club

With reluctance I go

            To a bachelor party,

Then with folded arms sit

            Like a grumpy old farty.         

Five O'Clock on Friday

A much wiser man than I stated that being foolish on April Fool’s Day is like drinking on Saint Patrick’s day…strictly for amateurs.

Therefore in that spirit, and to preserve my professionally foolish nature, here’s an attempt at a serious poem.

From the Works of Edgar Allan Goose

As I sit here in my kitchen,

Noises set my old eye twitchen’.

Tiny sounds that I know I’ve heard before.

My husband out in fields a’ reaping,

Once again the vermin creeping

Slowly in the corner near the door.

Father's Day Tribute

Sigmund Freud said that a man only becomes a man after his father dies.

He’s wrong.

Justice League Haiku

Last Son of Krypton

Truth Justice and Liberty

Up Up and Away

Dark Knight of Gotham

Endless nocturnal crusade

Hides grieving orphan

Amazon princess

Warrior pleading for peace

Truth personified

Fastest man alive

Scarlet streak through twin cities

Chasing destiny

Jade ring constructs shine

Unlimited willpower

Honest and Fearless

King of Atlantis

Lord of all beneath the waves

Ocean guardian

Shape shifter from Mars

The heart of the justice league

No longer alone

Unerring archer

Hot headed social conscience

Boxing glove arrow

Shrinking scientist

Travels along phone wires

Has a tiny chair

Thanagarian

Winged warrior from Egypt

Retconned to be both

Sonic scream deafens

Pretty bird martial artist

Wears mother's fishnets

Gingold makes him stretch

Nose twitches for mystery

Sue makes him complete

Gnitsac slleps sdrawkcab

S'rehtaf cigam egaenil

sliat dna a pot tah

Elements transmute

Professor Stein shows the way

Flames atop his head

Android turns hero

Crimson wind contained within

Machine with a soul

Strange topic Haiku

Satellite based J L A

Why did I do this?

The Great DC and Marvel Index