Thursday, July 19, 2012

What if Dr. Seuss was a Dirty Old Man

Ode to a Gentlemen’s Club

With reluctance I go
            To a bachelor party,
Then with folded arms sit
            Like a grumpy old farty.         

It never made sense
            What would make this place neat.
Seems like a good rest’rant
            That says, “Look but don’t eat.”

I stay unimpressed
            Till a friend, on a whim,
Hands a bill to a dancer,
            Saying, “Take care of him”.

So she crawls off the stage
            To join me in my chair,
Then does a great handstand
            In the space that we share.

As I smile quite stunned
            At her butt in my face,
I suddenly grasp
            The appeal of the place.

All worries all schedules
            All plans and all fear,
Disappear in a flash.
            There’s just now and here.

To go back to the rest’rant
            And make a joke rude:
Though no eating’s allowed,
            You can play with the food.   

So I join in the fun,
            Tipping each girl thats neared,
‘Cept the one I grew up with
            ‘Cause, Man! That was weird.

I alone in the group
             Will recall this tomorrow.
As the one sober driver
            No hangover sorrow. 

The night flies by fast,
            Everything’s going cool.
Then I’m purchased a lap dance
            By some drunken fool.

As before, I expected
            All look and no touch.
But I once more discover,
            That I do not know much.

She envelops my face,
            With breasts scented vanilla.
Stopping all of my air,
            Which so quickly can kill-ya.

As consciousness wanes,
              and its time for a nappy
One thought fills my brain,
              “Well, at least I’ll die happy!”


longbow said...

have you heard Patton Oswalt. "finest. Hour"?

Jeff McGinley said...

Nope, but I'm a fan of his, so I'll have to look for it, thanx!

Saucy Pizza said...


Jeff McGinley said...

Many thanx. Yet another useless skill honed to perfection