Monday, March 7, 2016

George Awards: Don’t Waste Your Prayers on Me

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

And after that stirring (or something) musical intro, it’s time to get to the latest version of the George Awards proper.  

It was a good year for cussin’ in film.  Two major family aimed franchise summer blockbusters had a well-executed, “Shit!” in the opening moments by a household name movie star:
Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark in Avengers 2: Age of Ultron
Chris Pratt as Owen in Jurassic World.

However, today our primary performing profanity is a low level word that still packs a high level wallop when wielded expertly.

In other words, here’s a Hell of a tribute to “hell.”

Note to people who freak out easily”
You really should have stopped reading at the warning.

Other note to people who freak out easily:

This tribute is to “hell” not Hell.
We’re celebrating a word, not demonic life choice here.

Moving on…

Charlton Heston deserves a mention here for his tirade at the greatest twist ending in cinema history from 1968’s Planet of the Apes.


However, since that film dominated the living shit out of the “damn” awards, we won’t let Chuck be greedy and take point on two lists.

Leonard Nimoy has been on these lists, and his Trektastic use of the word has been cited elsewhere as an Awesome Ending Line, meaning he gets a nod here instead of a number.

“If I were human, I believe my response would be 'Go to Hell!' ...
If I were human.”

On the Town should be on this list.  Sadly, the 1949 claws of censorship gouged one of the most famous lines from the show’s most famous song.  Anyone who knows New York City is fully aware that, “It’s a wonderful town!” is nice and all, but far less accurate than,
“It’s a helluva town!”

But enough already wasses and could have beens, let’s get on with a helluva list.

Since we all know 1974’s Blazing Saddles will obtain Mel Brooks a well-deserved spot on every George Awards list, it’s as good a place to start as any.  This one is perfect reminder that a big part of becoming George Award worthy is generating lines that I’ll say out loud on a regular basis. Number Ten features Dom DeLuise playing director Buddy Bizarre blasting out with a scientifically precise mix of disdain and fabulousness when his dance number is interrupted by a fist fighting gang of unruly cowboys.

“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?
This is a closed set!”

Fans of Kramer on Seinfeld were sadly missing out on just how deranged Michael Richards could be.  Anyone who has seen Transylvania 6-5000 or his turn as Stanley Spadowski in Weird Al’s UHF (1989) knows exactly what I’m talking about.  While the inspiration for this, delivered by Howard Beale (Peter Finch) in 1976’s Network, is immensely more famous, it is not what my roommate yelled out the window of our dorm room on a particularly stressful day.  That’s the kicker making Ninth place:

“These floors are dirty as hell, and
I’m not going to take it anymore!”

For Number Eight, it’s a hell phrase that is one of the most common uses of the word in film.  In fact it will show up on the second half of this list as well.  This version is from a movie that has taken several George Awards, for the same reason any entry appears on these lists with high frequency.  It’s an extremely weird experience and a personal favorite.  Number Eight goes to the final words of Lord John Worfin (John Lithgow) before he’s blown to Red Lectroid bits in 1984’s The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.

I'll see you in HELL!!!”

A film from 1996 is chosen to be Seventh Place for a spectacularly played moment by an awesome actor.  It’s also here to prove that I have no troubles with dark or “adult” humor in Muppet adventures when they’re true to the characters.   (As opposed to when the characters are royally fucked over.)   Tim Curry’s clinically perfect overacting was a brilliant match for lovable and persuasive rogue Long John Silver in Muppet Treasure Island.  In this scene, the pirate cook transitions himself from being an utterly doomed victim of his enraged former crew to being their forgiving and admirable leader.

“The black spot?...
You dare to give me the black spot?...
Drawn on a page torn from a page from the bible?
You tore a page from the Holy Scriptures, to make a pirates death sentence…
“Oh the red hot gates of hell are creeping open.
Satan is heating his pokers for you for you, you blasphemous heathens.
Fall down on your knees and beg for deliverance from damnation.”
*much groveling and begging from the crew*
“Very good you're forgiven.
Now untie me! And let's go find the treasure!”

Return with us next week, and the journey through the ten (ish) hells of the George Awards continue.

Click here to continue.

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