Monday, March 14, 2016

George Awards: You Go Where You Think You’re Gonna Go

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

With the third rendition of the George Awards fully underway, it’s time to return to the Hellstorm in progress.  The first half of the hells hit last week, and it only goes up from here.

Or probably it only counts down from here. 

The numbers go down, the hell quality goes up.

Shit, I ruined the flow. You know how lists work, let’s forget that mess and continue, shall we?

A classic man in a classic film comes in at the number six spot.  Before a military reference, I need to refer back to the Bitch List for reasons why, though demonstratively dynamic in his dirty word delivery, we won’t be seeing George C. Scott’s Patton on these lists. The original was better at it.

The true entry comes from 1962’s The Longest Day.  John Wayne Himself as the man General Matthew B. Ridgway called, "One of the bravest and toughest battle commanders I ever knew,"
Lieutenant Colonel Benjamin Vandervoort.  His place on this list is secured based on this line during a briefing speech that needed a bit more manlyocity after playing with a child’s click toy.

“You can't give the enemy a break.
Send him to hell.”

Fifth place enters the realm of weirdness in a couple of ways.  It’s Harrison Ford tying with himself in two early Eighties films designed to be family adventures. Pegging the weirdness needle, in both cases, he uses the world in a situation where it sounds fantastic, yet is completely out of place in the context.

The first brings the Star Wars universe to the George Awards for the first time.  In Empire Strikes Back (1981) when the rebel soldier tries to dissuade Han Solo from riding out in search of his friend in the frozen night of Hoth, by saying, “Your Tauntaun will freeze before you reach the first marker!” His answer, remarkably, references a concept that flat out doesn’t exist in the Universe he inhabits.

“Then I'll see you in hell!”

The second Harrison Ford bitchin’ yet incorrectly used “hell” in fifth place comes from 1984’s Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  It’s one of the instigators of the PG-13 rating, and the moment occurs directly after the Ninth place on the coveted Shit List.  Yes, this film is extremely important in preparing young minds for the more colorful aspects of the English language, and life in general.  The facts that Hindu’s call it “Naraka” and Kali doesn’t live there are two things an archaeologist should know.  Despite that, Indy does know how to deliver an ultimate pre “I’m taking you out now,” statement, which this line was:

“Mola Ram! Prepare to meet Kali...

Our first soundtrack offering George Award sings its way to number Four.   Sure, everyone knows how awesome it was when Iron Man 2 used AC / DC music as an integral part of its soundtrack.  However, Steven King figured that out twenty-four years before John Favereau and company did.  Maximum Overdrive (1986) ran on diesel fuel and Australian metal.  The key moment for this list was how the humans feelings of total exhaustion and domination by the evil sentient vehicles were captured by the music and lyrics of this 1980 classic.

“…Hells bells, they're taking you down
Hells bells, they're dragging you under
Hells bells, gonna split the night
Hells bells, there's no way to fight…”

Third place was going to be on the Awesome Eighties list…until I remembered the, “Stole the baby while you were taking a pee pee” line.  Yes, my love of juvenile humor often blunts the awesomeness in my existance, but it’s totally worth it. (See pretty much other post relating an actual event for evidence of this.)  The quote finds new life here on this list, and not just in the title.  There are several categories of horror movies in my family.  
A) Disturbing and lacking in supernatural elements films designed purely toe shock that none of us enjoy, like Saw or Hostel.
B) Scary but fun movies that it’s obvious the whole family will enjoy, like (George winningDark Shadows.
C) More blatantly scary ones that maintain a sense of fun which I’ll prescreen before telling my wife she’ll enjoy it, like the Fright Night remake or Sleepy Hollow.
D) Evil Dead 2  which I vow I will make a concentrated effort to get everyone who is related to me, knows me, or has passed me on the street to see.
E) Nightmarish horrors from realms of ancient evil oozing with the unspeakable, that my wife will never ever ever ever (fifty seven more evers) watch- such as the Brian Yuzna Lovecraft films featuring Jeffrey Combs, and the Hellraiser series. (ever ever ever.)

While the first film was a twist on the typical slasher with demonic intent genre, the second one in 1988 opened the floodgates to the celebrated word of the day.

Doug Bradley delivers Pinhead’s ultimatum and shows that screwing with the Cenobites is not something to ever put on your to do list:

“Your suffering will be legendary even in hell.”

George Award Number Two goes to an Oscar winning film.  Fortunately, it’s not one of those movies typically loved by the Academy featuring two women having tea for three hours while discussing whether or not to meet someone on the moors.  No, this feature film from 2000 was an old fashioned Roman epic following on the heels of the successful, yet also awesomely violent Braveheart.

Russell Crow delivers a performance leaving no question that Maximus was a supremely competent commander who led and inspired his troops, be they Legions or slaves, by his battle hardened example. His command to the Roman army facing the Germanic barbarians was simple, direct, and left no doubt who would be victorious in the forest that day:

“Upon my signal, unleash hell.”

There can be only one choice for the top spot on the hell list.  In 1982 the massive, muscled man mountain of Arnold Schwarzenegger reignited the entire sword and sandals genre in director John Milius’s interpretation of Robert E. Howard’s unstoppable force of nature with a broadsword, Conan the Barbarian.  It also has the greatest classical score in the history of scoredom by former Star Trek redshirt Basil Poledouris.

Not only was his use embodying the literal sense of the word, but it’s actually in a freakin’ god threatening prayer.  I give you the grand prize “hell” as spoken by Conan of Cimmeria, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow directly before the Battle of the Mounds where he would face those who took his beloved Valeria from him:

“Crom, I have never prayed to you before.
I have no tongue for it.
No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad.
Why we fought, or why we died.
All that matters is that two stood against many.
That's what's important!
Valor pleases you, Crom...
So grant me one request.
Grant me revenge!
And if you do not listen,
Then to HELL with you!”

That was a hell of a lot of fun, but the Third George Awards have much more on the way.  Come back next week for profanity that screenwriters just plain ole made up.

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