This
post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that
“will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God
help us, peace without honor.”
This
is not a post for children. Kids, take a
hike.
This
is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of
language. Do yourself a favor, and go
read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just
about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End
of Warning.
And after that stirring
(or something) musical intro, it’s time to get to the latest version of the
George Awards proper.
It was a good year for
cussin’ in film. Two major family aimed
franchise summer blockbusters had a well-executed, “Shit!” in the opening
moments by a household name movie star:
Robert Downey Jr. as
Tony Stark in Avengers 2: Age of Ultron
And
Chris Pratt as Owen in Jurassic World.
However, today our
primary performing profanity is a low level word that still packs a high level
wallop when wielded expertly.
In other words, here’s a
Hell of a tribute to “hell.”
Note to people who freak
out easily”
You really should have
stopped reading at the warning.
Other note to people who
freak out easily:
This tribute is to
“hell” not Hell.
We’re celebrating a
word, not demonic life choice here.
Moving on…
Charlton Heston deserves
a mention here for his tirade at the greatest twist ending in cinema history from
1968’s Planet of the Apes.
GOD
DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
However, since that film
dominated the living shit out of the “damn” awards, we won’t let Chuck be
greedy and take point on two lists.
Leonard Nimoy has been on these lists, and his Trektastic
use of the word has been cited elsewhere as an Awesome Ending Line, meaning he
gets a nod here instead of a number.
“If
I were human, I believe my response would be 'Go to Hell!' ...
If
I were human.”
On the Town should be on
this list. Sadly, the 1949 claws of
censorship gouged one of the most famous lines from the show’s most famous
song. Anyone who knows New York City is
fully aware that, “It’s a wonderful town!” is nice and all, but far less
accurate than,
But enough already
wasses and could have beens, let’s get on with a helluva list.
Since we all know 1974’s
Blazing Saddles will obtain Mel Brooks a well-deserved spot on every George Awards list, it’s as good a place
to start as any. This one is perfect
reminder that a big part of becoming George Award worthy is generating lines
that I’ll say out loud on a regular basis. Number Ten features Dom DeLuise
playing director Buddy Bizarre blasting out with a scientifically precise mix
of disdain and fabulousness when his dance number is interrupted by a fist fighting
gang of unruly cowboys.
“What
in the hell do you think you’re doing?
This
is a closed set!”
Fans of Kramer on Seinfeld were sadly missing out on just
how deranged Michael Richards could be.
Anyone who has seen Transylvania
6-5000 or his turn as Stanley Spadowski in Weird Al’s UHF (1989) knows exactly what I’m talking about. While the inspiration for this, delivered by
Howard Beale (Peter Finch) in 1976’s Network,
is immensely more famous, it is not what my roommate yelled out the window
of our dorm room on a particularly stressful day. That’s the kicker making Ninth place:
“These
floors are dirty as hell, and
I’m
not going to take it anymore!”
For Number Eight, it’s a
hell phrase that is one of the most common uses of the word in film. In fact it will show up on the second half of
this list as well. This version is from
a movie that has taken several George Awards, for the same reason any entry appears
on these lists with high frequency. It’s
an extremely weird experience and a personal favorite. Number Eight goes to the final words of Lord
John Worfin (John Lithgow) before he’s blown to Red Lectroid bits in 1984’s The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the
8th Dimension.
I'll
see you in HELL!!!”
A film from 1996 is
chosen to be Seventh Place for a spectacularly played moment by an awesome
actor. It’s also here to prove that I
have no troubles with dark or “adult” humor in Muppet adventures when they’re
true to the characters. (As opposed to
when the characters are royally fucked over.) Tim
Curry’s clinically perfect overacting was a brilliant match for lovable and persuasive
rogue Long John Silver in Muppet Treasure
Island. In this scene, the pirate
cook transitions himself from being an utterly doomed victim of his enraged
former crew to being their forgiving and admirable leader.
“The
black spot?...
You
dare to give me the black spot?...
Drawn
on a page torn from a page from the bible?
You
tore a page from the Holy Scriptures, to make a pirates death sentence…
Satan
is heating his pokers for you for you, you blasphemous heathens.
Fall
down on your knees and beg for deliverance from damnation.”
*much
groveling and begging from the crew*
“Very
good you're forgiven.
Now
untie me! And let's go find the treasure!”
Return with us next
week, and the journey through the ten (ish) hells of the George Awards
continue.
Click here to continue.
Click here to continue.
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