Monday, December 29, 2014

George Awards: How do you Cook Them…

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike. 
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
End of Warning.

Hi there folks.  It’s time to continue with our return to the George Awards.  Today we’re going to feature a tribute to a lower weight, but still valuable profanity.

“Damn” has been allowed on network television for years, and it’s hardly even considered a dirty word anymore.  However, as a modifier it has many and varied meanings, and adds a great deal of strength and oomph to a phrase.

In some cases, “really” and “very” lack the punch needed for emphasis, and actual profanity would distract from the central point.

A well placed “Damn” can kick things up to the required level without overwhelming the declaration.

That being said, it seems a waste to use that powerful warning header for such a frequently allowed word.  Therefore, I shall take this opportunity to correct an egregious omission and hand out a bonus George Award.

Back to the Future (1985): Christopher Lloyd’s Doc Brown lets Marty (Michael J. Fox) and the audience knows exactly how amazing, groundbreaking and awesome his flux capacitor fueled discovery is.

“When this baby hits 88 miles per hour
you’re going to see some serious shit.”

Since we’re mentioning missed moments, a “damn” honorable mention goes to a scene missed on another of my selections of movie scenes.

George McFly’s resolve trailed off to prevent, “Hey You, Get your damn hands off her,” from making the list proper.

However, his subsequent refusal to walk away, and decking of Biff Tannen (Thomas F. Wilson) is a Teargeeker moment of epic proportions.

I believe every nerd in the world at one moment or another has imagined a scenario where he could simultaneously defeat a bully AND rescue a crush.   Back to the Future brought that dream to life.

On to the damn list:

Once more the eighties is a hotbed of well used expletives. (Or, more likely, it’s when I grew up and attained full mastery of profanitese.) 10th place in almost all other circumstances would have been higher.  Unfortunately for Robert Stack, Ultra Magnus’s line of total frustration while he and his troops are threatened with destruction is overshadowed by the earlier moment when Transformers: The Movie (1986) won the Shit For Kids George Award.

That doesn’t lessen the gravity or emotion of the line uttered upon failing to open the Autobot Matrix of Leadership before the Junkions blow him apart:

“Open, damn it, open!
Prime, you said the Matrix would light our darkest hour.”

Mel Brooks once more graces one of these lists with additional recognition to 1974’s Young Frankenstein.  I truly believe this forty year old masterpiece is the perfect comedy, a mix of references and independent gags that run the full range of high and low humor without a single moment wasted.  The scene itself contains enough awesome to rank higher, but since the awesomeness comes from the reaction instead of the “damn,” it takes the number 9 spot.

Freddy’s exasperation and panic is utterly believable in the line spoken by Gene Wilder, yet it is Marty Feldman’s execution of Igor’s reply that steals the scene.

Doctor “Fronkensteen”- “Damn your eyes.”
“Eyegor”- “Too late.”

Let’s have a little more from Christopher Lloyd and a little more from 1984’s The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension for the appropriately numbered 8th place George Award.

John Lithgow (Lord John Worfin) made the definitive use of this insult to the human race in his Italian accent.  However, Lloyd’s John Bigbootee’ expertly conveyed the universal contempt the Red Lectroids had for Earth’s dominate species with:

“It’s not my god damned planet monkey boy.”

Moving forward a decade or so, Number 7 comes from 1997’s Men in Black.  Will Smith as Agent J proves once more that a profanity is worth more than a thousand “polite” words. He starts off with a full back story and pleasant new life for Beatrice. (Siobhan Fallon, aka the woman offended by Drew Carey’s French fry cartoon.) He then manages to sum up the condition, taste and style of her home of using a single syllable.

“Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway.
 In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out!
And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town,
 you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses,
get yourself some shoes,
you know, find somewhere,
maybe you can get a facial.
And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick,
'cause... DAMN.”

In 6th place we have a the first George Award on this list in the new millennium (2012) and also  the first use that truly shows the power of “damn” to act as an infinite amplification modifier.

Without his armor, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is just a man.  Fixing himself a drink, he unflinchingly hands the god Loki an epic verbal lashing ending with the use of today’s word, and a title drop for The Avengers.

“You're missing the point!
There's no throne,
there is no version of this where you come out on top.
Maybe your army comes
and maybe it's too much for us
but it's all on you.
Because if we can't protect the Earth,
You can be DAMNED well sure we'll avenge it!”

Damn it, Jeff’s being a weenie and splitting the list over two posts again.

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