Warning
This post contains
bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your
spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace
without honor.”
This is not a post
for children. Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a
post for those adults who are offended by this type of language. Do
yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can
kick in.
End of Warning.
It’s time to bring back
the George Awards!
The reason for this
momentous return is last month New York City honored its native son by naming
the street in Morningside Heights next to the perfect location for it after
him.
The reason it’s “next
to,” instead of “at” is because Corpus Christi Church and School gave their
former parishioner and student the finger, by refusing to allow the city to
name the street they are on after him.
Probably in repayment
for all the times he verbally flipped them off through his routines.
To honor this moment, we’re
going to present the top ten uses of “The Finger” in motion pictures. This gesture is far more important than uptight
individuals may believe.
.
Thanks to the borderline
insane methods of the MPAA, films can be cowed into removing any and all traces
of a desperately needed “Fuck You” from the script.
However, with the use of
“The Finger” the required tone and emotion of a needed insult can be maintained
despite the “boredom through sanitation” methods of the censors.
We’ll start off with
some special mentions before the main list…
Because it’s me.
As far as the use of the
delightful digit, a recent film only merits an Honorable Mention. This is due to the trailer of 2014’s Guardians of the Galaxy censored version
of the Flipping the Bird in the Line Up scene was far funnier than the
unscrambled scene in the movie itself.
But, besides being
independently awesome, Guardians also
merits a special George Award for a Hat Trick use of the word Shit in the
Marvel Universe, where all three occurrences were justified, hysterical and devistatingly
correct.
The first two come by
way of Chris Pratt as Peter “Starlord, man” Quill.
When discovering Gamora
(Zoe Saldana’s) contact will be paying multiple orders of magnitude above any
other price or bounty mentioned in the film so far, his reaction to “Four
Billion Units” is expected and justified.
“HOLY
SHIT!”
It is his later use that
is more award worthy, though.
Using one of Mr.
Carlin’s traditional seven words to be uplifting, motivating and inspiring is
the highest of artistic levels.
Starlord:
“When I look around, you know what I see? Losers.”
“I
mean like, folks who have lost stuff.
And
we have, man, we have, all of us.
Homes,
and our families, normal lives.
And
you think life takes more than it gives, but not today.
Today
it's giving us something. It is giving us a chance.”
Rocket
“To do what?”
And
I am not gonna stand by and watch
as
billions of lives are being wiped out.”
The third is said by a
cyborgized, heavily armed, space Raccoon (played by Bradley Cooper) to a huge psychotic
alien warrior. (Dave Bautista as Drax the Destroyer)
No other explanation is
needed.
“That’s
the first thing you’ve said that wasn’t batshit crazy.”
Next up are two
citations for artificial fingers. The
offending extenders in these cases are not actual digits, but metallic extras
in the proper location.
The first of these goes
to an indestructible adamantium finger. Hugh Jackman, in 2000's X-men, spikes the center most of
Wolverine’s claws to show the metal detector exactly what he thought of it.
The second metallic
digit is a much more direct and imposing one, likely leading to poor Cecil
shitting himself.
1987 – Robocop (Peter
Weller) shows his data spike does not care to stand on ceremony.
One last honoree in this
pre show:
A Behind the Scenes
George Award!
Martin Freeman is best
known as the shy and thoughtful Bilbo Baggins (The Hobbit)…
Or the shy and
thoughtful Doctor John Watson (Sherlock)…
Or the shy and
thoughtful Arthur Dent (HitchhikersGuide)
Heck, even in 2003’s Love Actually (which I am embarrassed to
admit seeing, and much more embarrassed to admit enjoying) he plays a body
double who spends most of the story naked filming sex scenes…and he’s shy and
thoughtful.
Once the studio's cameras
stop rolling, however:
The man flips off every
single piece of photographic equipment he sees.
The George Awards salute
you with a Lifetime Achievement Mr. Freeman for your constant and entertaining visual “fuck you”s.
Come back next week for
the Finger List!
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