Thursday, February 6, 2014

“Think about it, chum. Good business is where you find it.”

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike. 
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
End of Warning.

The RoboCop remake opens next week.

It will not be as good as the original.

Sure, it looks to have a great cast, top notch effects, and wall to wall action, but it simply will not match the 1987 classic.

This is not because the original’s blend of over the top violence and social satire made it require its own post to avoid taking over the entire list of “Awesome ‘80s Movie Quotes.”

This is not because the original’s use of profanity would overwhelm multiple categories of the George Awards if allowed to compete.

After all, the more personable, image conscious and corporate professional villain of the piece (Dick Jones as played by Ronny Cox) delivered what started as a gentle, erudite and well-spoken warning, then escalated into what may be the most venom laden and threatening use of the F-Bomb in film history.

“You know... he's a sweet old man.
And he means well.
But he's not gonna live forever.
And I'm number two around here.
Pretty simple math, huh, Bob?
You just... fucked
with the wrong guy!”

Over and above those reasons, the 2014 version will not be able to compete with the 1987 version, because of the educational value of the original.

I now present the top ten Management Leadership Lessons of Clarence J. Boddicker as played by Kurtwood Larson Smith.

10)  Understand the image others have of you.

I'll bet that really pisses you off.
*stares down at Murphy*
You probably don't think I'm a very nice guy... do ya?

9)  Be assertive and explaining the timing and causes of project roadblocks to upper management.

“Hey, take a look at my face, Dick!
He was trying to kill me!”
“Well listen chief-
Your company built the fucking thing!
Now I gotta deal with it?
I don't have time for this bullshit!”

8) But also remember to maintain strong alliances with upper management, as they can aid in the removal of those road blocks.

“Well, I guess we're gonna be friends after all -

7) Be concise, specific and clear with your directives of what you require and expect from others.
“Bitches, leave.”

6) Remain confident and composed when on the weaker side of negotiations, and focus on items you are assured of.

“Just give me my fuckin’ phone call.”

5) Provide the people on your team with the most appropriate and state of the art tools needed to complete their assigned tasks.

“Cobra assault Cannon,
state of the art Bang Bang.”

4) Ask questions that will create goals for your employees that require them to stretch outside of their usual comfort zones and promote personal growth.

“Can you fly bobby?”

3) Use relevant humor to diffuse conflict in tense situations with confrontational individuals.

“Well, give the man a hand.”

2) Understand your bargaining strengths when dealing with vendors, and make sure to emphasize them when specifying supply criteria.

“Maybe I'm just not making myself clear.
I don't want to fuck with you, Sal,
but I've got the connections,
I've got the sales organization,
I got the muscle to shove enough of this factory so far up your stupid wop ass,
 that you'll shit snow for a year!”

1) Yet, once you are sure your point has been made, always leave time for small talk about mutual interests to  insure the vendor feels relaxed and confident the relationship will not be adversarial.
“Ooh, guns, guns, guns!
Come on, Sal!
The Tigers are playing 
*table drum solo* 
I never miss a game.”

How could any remake hope to compete with that combination of the awesome, the profane, and the management training?


longbow said...

"Buddy, I think you're scum". One of my favorite retorts. But, it didn't really work.

I once came very close to busting out a "Bitches Leave" when I walked into a conference room and saw sales guys at a vital design meeting.

Jeff McGinley said...

Thanx for sharing. Alex's retorts were all good, but they didn't become effective until around, "Your move, creep."

You shoulda used the line. Clarence has the keys to business success.

Anonymous said...

As soon as I read the warning I knew I was going to like this post. I've always wanted to say "You just fucked with the wrong guy" to my boss but never had the nads too. However there is still hope for me because my last day is November 30th, 2015. I have from now until then to grow some stones and decide if I want to do it in front of my colleagues and the rest of the office or just me and her between closed doors. Hmmm! Any suggestions?
As always, great post Jeff.
Cousin Michael

Jeff McGinley said...

Thanx for playing, Mike. All of the George Awards are filled with many excellent parting remarks. ( I wore the shirt at the end of an the intro post under my unform the last day of a summer job.) Probably stay away from the fart joke posts, you want to leave with a little bit of class.

thanx again