Warning
This
post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that
“will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God
help us, peace without honor.”
This
is not a post for children. Kids, take a
hike.
This
is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language. Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my
cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
End
of Warning.
Hello and welcome to the
George Awards, where the highly entertaining use of profanity in film is
saluted and recognized.
We’ll be starting off
with the fan favorite “Fuck” awards.
Before scampering on to the official list, there are some special
recognitions that need to be handed out.
Firstly, three in the “Almost”
category. These are awarded to movies that could have, should have, were obviously
meant to, but for some reason didn’t quite get all four letters out.
In 3rd place
we have J.J McClure, Fenderbaum and Blake (Alias Burt Reynolds, Sammy Davis
Junior and Dean Martin) from 1981’s The
Cannonball Run. With the Rat Pack
there, we can be sure there was hot and cold running benevolent cursing behind
the scenes. Since Farah Fawcet’s f-bombs
were expunged from HBO and video releases all that remains is the beeped scene
in the bloopers.
“I’m gonna take these
Rosary Bleeds and stick em up your nose.”
“These *BEEP*ing
Bleeds?”
The 2nd Place Almost
goes to Galaxy Quest’s Sigourney
Weaver’s playing Gwen Demarco playing Lieutenant Tawny Madison. (Everyone got
that?) Upon seeing those “choppy crunchy
things” that serve no purpose a proud and powerful “Well fuck that!” can be
read on her lips. However, the ADR dubbing changed it to the more ratings
friendly for the 1999 film, but less emotionally accurate.
“Well screw that!”
The first place “near
miss” George award can only go to one person. Young Peter Billingsley in 1983, years before
he had to admit he “wasn’t Tony Stark,” perfectly illustrated the kind of
nightmarish moment when “fuck” is the only proper word, where most of us kids
learned the word, and the total an abject fear when we did use it in front of
the parent who unintentionally taught it to us.
From A Christmas Story, the best “artificial fuck”
in a movie:
“Ooooohhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuudgggggggeeeeeeeee!”
Enough subtlety for this
episode.
On to the Hat Trick
Citations for using “fuck” impressively and creatively at least three times.
Our first George Hat
Trick goes to director, composer, and generally cool guy, John Carpenter.
“Fuck” is a pretty
standard reaction for those greeted by the types of horrors that frequent Carpenter’s
imagination. However, he manages to pull
off extra appropriateness and expression from his actors.
From 1982’s The Thing. That’s the original remake,
not the sequel to the remake…I think.
Is
there any other response that the line Palmer (David Clennon) spouted when the
head of the co-worker he just had to set fire to because he turned into a
monstrous alien shape shifter on the autopsy table, falls on the floor, grows
spider legs and starts to run away upside down than:
"You gotta be
fucking kidding..."
Rowdy Roddy Piper was a
walking quote machine as Nada in another Carpenter classic, They Live, but his reaction to how the
subliminally hidden aliens appeared when he donned the sunglasses, that also
made him high was quite memorable:
“You, you’re OK. This
one, real fuckin’ ugly!”
Finally, Kurt Russell
dripped crazy awesome as Jack Burton all the way through Carpenter’s Kung Fu
comedy Big Trouble in Little China. His reaction to finding a paper wall in their
way was practical, low key, and inspired.
“Hollow?” (“Hollow.” ) “Fuck it.”
Our next George Hat Trick winner is the former Governor of California, who has probably had enough “Oh Fuck” moments in his recent personal life to create his own awards show.
While profanity is by no
means limited in his works, indeed Total Recall
probably has too many to count, there are three iconic uses of “fuck” where
his accented delivery have earned the man his George.
Predator
(1987) features what
may be the most honest reaction to a horribly monstrous alien ever recorded
when Dutch realized:
“You are one ugly
motherfucker.”
A more light hearted and
humorous use came up in 1987’s the Running
Man, in his reply (as ben Richards) to Maria Conchita Alonso (Amber Mendez)
stating they should have gone to Hawaii.
“I had the shirt for it,
but you fucked it up.”
And of course, in his
second breakthrough appearance in The Terminator
(1984) his methodical and robotic presentation of a line placed it in
contention to be his catch phrase.
Though he did use it in other films, “I’ll be back,” was much easier to include
on television ads and lobby posters than:
The final actor based “Hat
Trick” award winner is Mr. Bruce Willis.
Though the first example
was not delivered by him, he had enough involvement in 1991’s underrated,
incorrectly advertized, and awesomely silly Hudson
Hawk and was integral in the scene as Eddie “Hudson Hawk” Hawkins (Along
with Andie McDowell as Anna) to get him credit for Danny Aeillo’s repetitions as
Tommy "Five-Tone" Messina:
Hawk: “You're supposed
to be all cracked up at the bottom of the hill!”
Tommy: “Airbags! Can you
fucking believe it?”
Anna: “You're supposed
to be blown up into fiery chunks of flesh!”
Tommy: “Sprinkler system
set up in the back! Can you *fucking* believe it?”
Continuing the theme of his
less popular film appearances from 1991, the next one is from The Last Boy Scout. The quiet, introspective multiple call backs
to this line made by Joe Hallenbeck over and over again earns it a spot on the
list. This is especially because he carried out on his promise after dispensing
with the villain in a very satisfying way involving a long fall and helicopter
blades.
“If we get out of this,
I’m gonna dance a fuckin’ jig.”
Finally, this 1988
benchmark setting action movie is the reason that Bruce well and truly deserves
the George Award. It is the greatest use of this particular compound word off
the original list of seven. Accept no
substitutes, imitations, call backs, watered down PG13 versions, or television replacements
by a fruit grower. The original was not
a pre-assault one liner, it was not a direct attack; it was the accepting of
his “cowboy” status and a low key smartass barb against his enemy. The original, from Die Hard:
“Yippie Ki Yay, Motherfucker.”
The final two “Hat
Trick” awards go to individual films.
Again, this doesn’t simply go to movies that indiscriminately fill
themselves with profanity, but rather ones that pull off the difficult
achievement of having a meaningful, funny and in some way surprising “fuck”
multiple times.
The first of these two
impressive recognition goes to Mel Brooks (who we’ll be hearing quite a lot
from) for History of the World Part I (1981). His achievement is made more
impressive by containing all three instances in the Ancient Roman section of
the story.
Starting with the
quietest and most subtle, is this exchange between Roman soldiers (Ron Clark
and Jack Riley) after being felled by “Mighty Joint”
First Soldier - “So, do you care if it falls?”
Second Soldier – “What?”
First Soldier - “The Roman Empire.”
Second Soldier - “Fuck it!”
The second Award Worthy
moment is expertly delivered by Gregory Hines as Josephus to Ronny Graham. It gets extra points for being a hysterical
joke in a mostly lowbrow film that requires knowledge of classic literature to
get.
Graham – “Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey,
Josephus!”
Hines -“Heeeey,
Motherfucker”
The crowning achievement
of History of the World Part I is a
glimpse into the Roman Senate illustrating how all governing bodies, from
ancient to modern times, work. John Myhers delivers this stirring speech:
Speaker: “All fellow
members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after
palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build
decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?”
Senate: “FUCK THE POOR!”
Speaker: “Good,”
Our final “Hat Trick” George
for the Best Use of “fuck” is awarded to A
Fish Called Wanda. Like every other piece of comedy the man has written,
John Cleese’s farcical film is contains brilliantly precise large and small
scale timing, as it explores (among other things) differences between English
and American stereotypes. These
differences are highlighted in the use of “Fuck” in varied ways from either side of the Atlantic
Cleese himself, as
barrister Archie Leach, delivers it using classic British manners in the
following scene.
Fuck off, pigs.
[Pause as the police are
unsure]
Did you hear what I
said? … Fuck … off.
Kevin Kline’s lunatic
Otto, on the other hand, displays the standard American levels of personal
control practicing for his apology.
“Oh, I'm so very, very,
very ssssssssssss... FUUUCK YOUUUU!”
As a bonus entry (giving
this film a “Grand Slam ‘Fuck’ George” I suppose) here is what happens when the
two styles met:
Otto: “You pompous,
stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead,
asshole.”
Archie: “How very
interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?”
Otto: “You are the
vulgarian, you fuck.”
They key award winning moment
from this movie however, comes from neither Kline nor Cleese. No it is George Thomerson (played by Tom
Georgeson…or maybe it’s the other way around) belting out this inexplicableness
to those on either side of the Atlantic:
“Unbe-fuck-alievable!”
Thanx for joining us for
the start of this celebration of obscenity.
Next time: Now that the
specials are out of the way - the top ten!
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