Conan The Barbarian Through a Kid's Eyes

1982

Inevitably, while looking for movies to watch I brought up Conan. 

And, although she did enjoy the PG-13 rated sequel when younger, Anabelle inevitably shot this idea down whenever I mentioned it.

However, on my birthday and (in this case) Father's Day, Anabelle will select a film she's been vetoing for a long time. (This is how we watched Tron one year.)

Then she will mercilessly make fun of it for the entire run time.

Like so-

On knowing more about Food Network than trashy Eighties films:

*Dino DeLaurentis's credit shows*

Anabelle- "It's Giada's relative!"

On the movie's beginning:

Anabelle- "There is nothing on the screen."
*Forging the sword begins*

Anabelle- "This opening is 'fire.'  Literally."

On Conan's Father explaining the Riddle of Steel:

Anabelle- "Who's that."

Me- "His Dad, Mr. The Barbarian."

Conan’s Dad- “Fire and wind come from the sky,

from the gods of the sky, but Crom is your god.

Crom lives in the earth. Once giants lived in the earth, Conan.

And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Crom and took from him the enigma of steel. Crom was angered and the earth shook. Fire and wind struck down the giants and threw their bodies in the water. But in their rage, the gods forgot the secret of steel, and left it on the battlefield.

And we who found it...

are just men.

Not gods. Not giants. Just men.

The secret of steel has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn it, little Conan. You must learn its discipline.

For no one, no one in this world can you trust.

Not men, not women, not beasts.

This you can trust.”

Anabelle- "You talk about Crom an uncomfortable amount."

On the attack on the village:

Anabelle- "Are his parents gonna die?"

Me- "Yup."

Anabelle- "Unfortunate. Hate to see it."

*Conan's mother takes out several attackers with her late husband's sword*

Anabelle- "Slay, Mrs. The Barbarian."

On Thulsa Doom's main henchmen:

Me- "That actor is one of Arnold's lifting buddies, Sven Ole Thorson."
Anabelle- "Wow! What a name!"

On the narration:

Anabelle- "Who's talking."

Me- "His chronicler."

Anabelle- "When do we meet him."
Me- "Later."
Anabelle- "You always say that."

On Conan's youth part of the film:

"This is boring when does the barbarianing start?"
*Conan is introduced to the Wheel of Pain*

[Note- she knows that name from the soundtrack]
"I always wondered what that was.
Hey, its a maypole!
'The Maypole Of Pain' is a more appealing name."
*Conan ages*

"This part is like 'Hakuna Matata.'

You know... the Maypole of Pain does wonders for your muscles. 

And gives you luscious hair."

On Conan being thrown into pit fighting and the guy biting him:

Anabelle- "Ewww.*

*Conan beats him to death*

Anabelle- "This is what you get for messing with the Master of the Maypole. 

Ew. That guy looks like tomato."
*Conan Wins*
Anabelle- "Yeah!"

On the narrator saying Conan was being "Bred with the finest stock" while he's in a cage:

Anabelle- "This is like a zoo.

Wait, why is she naked?"

Me- "He's being bred with the finest stock."
Anabelle- "I can’t with these movies.
*Fast forwards*

We didn’t need to see that.

Why are they doing this?"

Me- "He's being bred with the finest stock."
Anabelle- "Stop saying that."

On the most famous line in the film:

War Master- "We won again! This is good. 

But what is best in life?"

Less Barbariany Son of War Master- "The open steppe.

Fleet horse.

Falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair."

Exasperated War Master- "WRONG!!!

Conan, what is best in life?"

Conan- Crush your enemies, 

see them driven before you 

and to hear the lamentation of the women." 

Anabelle- "What huh?

I much prefer falcons at my wrist and wind in my hair.
I don’t like him."

On Conan running from the wolves after he's freed and falling into a cave:

Anabelle- "He's taking a tumble.
Now he's going spelunking."
Rosa- "He's what?"

Anabelle- "Going in a cave. You call it that if you're cool like me."

On Conan emerging from the cave:

Anabelle- "Look at his bangs, he's slaying."
Me- "Notice he's wearing skins now?"

Anabelle- "I see that.
Did he kill the wolf?
Aww, that’s so sad."

On the creepy lady in the forest:

Wolf Witch-  "There's warmth and fire...

Do you not wish to warm yourself by my fire?"

Anabelle- "She gives witch vibes."

Me- "Why."
Anabelle- "She lives in a hut in the wilderness...
And that looks like a human skin dress."

...

Conan- "Snakes- Did you say snakes?"

Wolf Witch- "What is is you seek?"

Conan- "A standard. A symbol. 

Perhaps on a shield. 

Two snakes, coming together.

Facing each other, but they're one. 

With a sun and a moon below.

Black sun, black moon."

Wolf Witch- "Yes...

There is a price."

Anabelle- *suspiciously* "What price?"

*Conan...um... Warms himself by her fire*

Anebelle-  "Grrrrrr" *Waves fists at screen*
"Jeeze, I’m sick of this.
Why is everything blue?"

*The witch transforms with claws and fangs and tries to eat Conan*
Anabelle- "Oh my God!" *Laughs uncontrollably*

*The witch turns into energy and zooms away laughing*

Anabelle- "Anyway."

On Conan and Subotai discussing religion:

Conan- "What gods to you pray to?"

Subotai- "I pray to the Four Winds."

Anabelle- "Lame."
Conan- "Crom laughs at your Four Winds."
Anabelle- "Yeah, suck it Four Winds Guy. 

This is my favorite part so far."

On Conan and Subotai running across the steppes:

Anabelle- "Why are they frolicking?"

On entering the first city:

Anabelle- "What’s that?
That snake tower is very ominous and ...
Elephant !!! 

Sorry I got excited."

On entering another town that looks almost exactly the same:

Anabelle- "These Barbarian Cities are very cookie cutter"

*Another famous scene happens*
Anabelle- "Why did you punch the camel?"

*Stoned Conan has an unpleasant conversation with townspeople*
Anabelle- "As if he didn’t just call that a horde of women sluts.

This is my least favorite part

*thoughtful pause* 

No that was the witch."

On a mention of the Tower of the Serpent:

Anabelle- "Is that Mufasa? I feel like it is."

On Valeria's introduction:

Valeria- "You don't even have a rope. Two fools who laugh at death." 

Anabelle- "Ha! Losers! She’s cooler than you."

Valeria- "Do you know what horrors lie beyond that wall?"

Conan- "No."

Valeria- "Then you go first."

Anabelle- "Because she’s smart. 

Unlike someone I could mention who punched a camel."

On seeing Thulsa Doom's symbol with the two snakes down in the pit:

Anabelle- "It’s the thing!"
*Does goofy imitation of Arnold's goofy two fisted pose whenever he's describing it*

[Note- She did this pose in my face any time the symbol appeared on screen,

any time Arnold did it...

and any time she got bored.]

On Conan confronting the giant snake:

Anabelle- "He’s gonna do something dumb. 

'Cause when does he not?

Oh it’s big! 

Didn’t realize it was that big."

On Valeria yelling, "Do you want to live forever?" and leaping off of the tower, laughing:

Anabelle- "She’s a queen. I love her, genuinely.

Bye now. Come on girl leave."

*The montage of Valeria and Conan growing closer*

Anabelle- "Girl leave."

*The couple have a night together*

Anabelle- "We hate to see it. You can skip this part."
Me- "This track on the soundtrack is called 'Wifeing.'"

Anabelle- "Basil we need to have words."

*I stop fast forwarding*

Anabelle- "GAH! Too soon!"

Me- "I didn’t realize they  took a taco break in the middle of that."

On Conan passing out when King Osiric's guards arrive:

Anabelle- "Face first in the soup when guests arrive. 

That’s an 'L'."

On King Osric's speech and offer:

Anabelle- "This King is delivering lines with a lot of drama and I like his hat."

*He offers them chalices full of red shiny objects*

Anabelle- "Cranberries!!!!"
Me- "Or, rubies."

Anabelle- "Ah."

On Valeria suggesting they take the treasure and leave while Conan broods and stares:

Anabelle- "Leave. Save yourself!
Is he gonna say anything?
I’m so sick of him."

*The next morning, Conan is gone*
Anabelle-"He left her behind? What a loser.
She should have left when I told her.
Where’s Subotai? Bet he's still around.

I don't like Conan, he sucks."

On meeting Conan's chronicler, the Wizard:

Mako- "It was here that I met my master.

It was no accident. Nor is it mere chance that I am the teller of his tale."

Anabelle- "FINALLY!"

Mako- “I'm a wizard, mind you. This place is kept by powerful gods and spirits of kings.
Harm my flesh and you will have to kill the dead.”
Conan- “Can you summon demons?”
Wizard- “Yes! I strike at you!
I summon demons more ferocious than all in hell!”
*Cackles like a loon*

Anabelle- "Hey!!!!
I like him already!"

On Conan's capture with Thulsa Doom lecturing him:

Thulsa Doom- “I wish to speak to you now. Where is the Eye of the Serpent?

Rexor says that you gave it to a girl.

Probably for a mere night's pleasure?

What a loss.

People have no grasp of what they do.

You broke into my house, stole my property...

murdered my servants and my pets.

And that is what grieves me the most.

You killed my snake.

Thorgrim is beside himself with grief.

He raised that snake from the time it was born.”

Anabelle- "Thorgrim does not look beside himself with grief."

Conan- “You killed my mother. You killed my father. 

You killed my people! 

You took my father's sword.”

Thulsa Doom- “Ah! Must have been when l was younger. There was a time, boy,

when I searched for steel. When steel meant more to me than gold or jewels. 

The riddle of steel.

Yes! You know what it is, don't you, boy?

Shall I tell you?

It's the least I can do.

Steel isn't strong, boy. 

Flesh... is stronger.

Look around you. There, on the rocks. That beautiful girl.

Come to me, my child.”

*Girl swan dives off the cliff into some woodwork*

“That is strength, boy. That is power. The strength and power of flesh.

What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?

The strength of your body...the desire in your heart. I gave you this.

Such a waste.

Contemplate this on the Tree of Woe.

Crucify him.”

Anabelle- "What is the Tree of Woe? 

Is it like the Maypole of Pain?"

*Cut to Conan nailed to a dead tree in the desert*
Anabelle- "That looks like a pretty woe-ey tree.
He's being eaten by bird, that's a yikes."

*Conan kills the vulture by biting it*

Anabelle- "Aaaah! That’s horrible!"

*The Sun rises*

Anabelle- "*Sings opening to "Circle of Life*"

*Conan sees Subotai coming, laughs and passes out*

Anabelle- "I hate Conan."

On the Wizard trying to heal Conan:

Anabelle- "What is happening?"
Me- "He's doing spells."
Anabelle- "He appears to be drawing a picture on him.
Is Conan only 'Mostly Dead?'"

Valeria- "All the gods, they cannot sever us. If I were dead and you were still fighting for life, I'd come back from the darkness. Back from the pit of hell to fight at your side."
Anabelle-"It seems like she is not doing that.
Unless she's like a ghost. 'Woooo!' y'know?"

Me- *Bites tongue to keep from laughing*

On the healed Conan looking back and forth between his sword and fist on the mountain top:

Anabelle- "What is he doing?"

Me- "Contemplating the Riddle of Steel."
Anabelle- "Ugh. why?"
Me- "Um. Maybe because it is the central theme of the movie?"
Anabelle- "Boo Hiss."

On the black and white camouflage makeup the three heroes put on before going to rescue the princess:

Anabelle- "There are no zebras there.
*pause*

Oh, only Subotai looks like a Zebra...

but he REALLY does."

On the giant bowl brought up from the room below Thulsa Doom's Throne Room:

Me- "Ah, the kitchen."

Anabelle- "That's a person [hanging on the rack] its not a kitchen, you clown."

Me- "Sure it is, there's the soup."

Anabelle- "That is not soup."

*This repeats many times until they bring it upstairs*

Anabelle- "It's not...

AAAH! Why is there a Jaguar there?

soup!"

Me- "Then why is there a ladle in it."

Anabelle- "Shut up it's not soup.

EEEEEEEEEEWWWWW She's eating a hand!

I really thought you were kidding."

On Thulsa Doom on his throne:

Anabelle- "It looks like Thulsa is pooping. What is going...

Anyway back to the orgy.
Is he gonna turn into a snake?
No, that's dumb.
Why is that Jaguar there when it’s a snake cult?"

*Thulsa Doom is now a giant snake*

Anabelle- "Aaaah! So sudden!
This movie is so bad."

On priorities:

*Movie is paused right after Valeria is shot by the Snake Arrow so Anabelle could watch the Surprise Taylor Swift song.*

On Valeria's pyre on the site where nothing will burn:

Anabelle- "What are they going to do, cover her in hand soup?"

*She does burn, Conan morns*

Anabelle- "This is your fault. Boo Hiss."

On the preparation for the Battle of the Mounds:

Conan- "For us, there is no spring. Just the wind that smells fresh before the storm"

Anabelle- "What, is he a poet all of a sudden?"

Conan- "Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... 

So grant me one request. 

Grant me revenge! 

And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!" 

Anabelle- "I don’t know if I agree with that normally,
But in this scenario, yes."
*Conan and Subotai start taking out masses of Thulsa Doom's men*

Anabelle- "I feel Crom is granting him revenge."

On Thorgrim hitting the empty helmet and getting impaled on a huge spike:

Anabelle- "Ha! Ha! Loser!"
Rosa- "Ewwww!"
Anabelle- "You just got Conaned."

On Valeria's return as a Valkyrie:

Anabelle- "What...

*Long pause*
I was right!!!!!
I was not expecting her to come back as a little ghost and go 'wooooo.'
I was kidding."

On Thulsa Doom riding off and trying to kill the princess with another Snake Arrow:

Anabelle- "I’m so sick of him
Stop shooting snakes at people!"

*Subotai blocks the snake with a shield wielding leap*
Anabelle- "Slay! Subotai!
I love him."

*pause*

"That is such a lie. 

I have no feelings whatsoever about him."

On realizing Conan broke his father's sword:
Anabelle- "Noooo. 

Go after him more, movie."

*Conan salutes the sun and sky*

Anabelle- "I forgot he was a pit fighter. 

It was so long ago."

On Thulsa Doom's final speech:

Thulsa Doom- "My child, you have come to me, my son. 

For who now is your father if it is not me?"

Anabelle-"Everything the light touches is our kingdom."

Thulsa Doom- "I am the well spring, from which you flow."

Anabelle- "What works, works, bestie."

Rosa- "What, is he Darth Vader?"

Me- "Um... yes?"

Rosa- "Oh yeah, I forgot."

Thulsa Doom- "When I am gone, you will have never been."

Anabelle- "Can we have less snakes please?"

Thulsa Doom- "What would your world be, without me? My son. My son."

Anabelle- "Bite him, Conan! 

I miss the biting."
*Conan starts hacking off Thusla Doom's head*

Anabelle- "Yeah!"
Rosa- "eww."
*The hacking continues*

Anabelle- "Wooo... 

oh my gosh. Woo!"

*Conan hurls Thulsa Doom's head down the stairs*
Anabelle- "He did not just throw it at them."
Rosa- "There can't be much left."
Me- "Well, he killed Thulsa Doom and broke the spell over his followers."
Anabelle- "Good riddance to the spell! 

Do we have to watch ALL OF THEM throw their torches in the pool?  Ugh.
Why is he pondering again?"

Me- "Brooding over what's next in his life."

Anabelle- "Probably that other movie that I do not remember at all and do not care. 

*Waves toward empty area of living room*

Behold this empty sea where all my hoots would be."

On the film in general:

Anabelle- "I give that one a solid Seven out of Ten.

Fun to watch but SOOOOOO long."

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