Thursday, November 8, 2012

Instructions For Life {Modified}

When first had this e-mailed to me I thought I shouldn't add little smart ass comments in curly brackets because it was probably just someone trying to make people feel good and have a nice day.

Then I thought, in the immortal words of Han Solo:
"Hey...It’s me."

This tantra totem has been sent to you for good luck.
 {And to suck up valuable work time}

 It has been sent around the world ten times so far.
{But now we're trying to send it to people}

You will receive good luck within four days of relaying this tantra totem
{Or at least gripe filled e-mails}

Send copies to people you think need good luck
{And you think have more free time than they need}

Don't send money as fate has no price
{Destiny however, is available wholesale}

Do not keep this message
{Because it’s useless}

The tantra totem must leave your hands in 96 hours
{Or you may actually start to believe it}

Send ten copies and see what happens in four days
{Most likely, ten people will “unfriend” you}

You will get a very pleasant surprise
{Your e-mail actually works} 

This is true, even if you are not superstitious
{And you can fly if you think happy thoughts...go try}


1.  Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
{For it confuses the hell out of them, and allows you to screw them over later}

2.  Memorize your favorite poem.
{Unless it starts "there once was a man from Nantucket"}

3.  Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
{Or bludgeon all who deserve it}

4.  When you say, "I love you", mean it.
{At least until they say yes}

5.  When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
{So you can determine if they bought it}

6.  Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
{This way you can plan the fights you want to last forever}

7.  Believe in love at first sight.
{Use a bottle of Tequila to help this belief}

8.  Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
{Unless they involve "alternative food sources” or "experimental art forms"}

9.  Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
{Completely sure of getting hurt, that is}

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
{Rude gestures, however, are encouraged}

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
{Until you've met them}

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
{But if you don't think about what you're talking about, it doesn't matter}

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
{Then kick them in the groin and run out of the room}

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
{And yet everyone thinks they're gonna hit the lottery in both cases}

15. Call your mom.
{What you call her, is up to you}

16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
{And say "what the hell died in your butt?" when they pass wind}

17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
{Or the location and weaknesses of the one who beat you}

18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
{That you could get caught for}

19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
{Unless it’s over money, power or chocolate}

20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps
{To hide the evidence, and cover up the bodies}

21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
{They still can’t see "the finger" though}

22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
{Plus vocal senility is more entertaining than the silent type}

23. Spend some time alone
{For some people, as much as possible}
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
{Having no values makes this easy}

25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
{Unless the question is really stupid, then derisive laughter is the best answer}

26. Read more books and watch less TV.
{Better yet, do neither and go outside once in a while}

27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
{If you're one of those smug self-satisfied types, otherwise, have as much fun as possible to really enjoy what you look back on}

28. Trust in God but lock your car.
{Especially in the church parking lot}

29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
{Like sending the kids to boarding school, and the Grandparents to a rest home}

30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
{Unless it can be used to your advantage only}

31. Read between the lines.
{Or you miss smart ass comments, like this one}

32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
{And gain control over people}

33. Be gentle with the earth.
{However, since the Earth can deal with volcanos, earthquakes, meteors, pole reversal, solar flares etcetera, this is a pretty wide definition of gentile here}

34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
{As in, you can't measure the power of something that has no visible effect}

35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
{Use this time to figure out what they want from you}

36. Mind your own business.
{It’s harder for others to exploit you that way}

37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
{Of course you have to open your eyes to find out- basically don't trust anyone}

38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
{And stay there}

39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
{Right after buying cool stuff, and influencing people}

40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
{Like, if you wanted a kick in the head}

41. Learn the rules then break some.
{But don't break the wrong ones, or you're screwed...the wrong ones will change continuously}

42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
{And you can both get a little on the side}

43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
{If you gave up your morals, your standards or your responsibilities that’s BIG a success}

44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
{Translation: if you're a jerk now'll be jerky till you die}

45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
{And try to get the other person to clean up after both}

Now, here's the FUN part
{For the extremely sad and lonely}

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
{By not having to deal with those five people anymore}

0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
{Because there are less people who won’t talk to you than if you send it to five or more}

5-9 people:  Your life will improve to your liking.
{As opposed to all those times your life improves not to your liking}

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
{Most of these will involve peoples e-mail addresses surprisingly no longer working}

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape
{For you will be forced to move out of the country and start over}


Bruce Fieggen said...

Hilarious! Especially the unintended joke of 'a pretty wide definition of gentile here'

Bruce Fieggen said...

Hooray! You got rid of the indecypherable 'Prove you're not a robot' eye test. Thank you.

Jeff McGinley said...

Your welcome. Far too many of my friends and relations are apparently robots.

And thanx, but no humor is truly unintentional.