When first had this e-mailed to me I thought I shouldn't add little smart ass comments in curly brackets because it was probably just someone trying to make people feel good and have a nice day.
Then I thought, in the immortal words of Han Solo:
"Hey...It’s me."
This tantra totem has been sent to you for good luck.
{And to suck up valuable work time}
It has been sent around the world ten times so far.
{But now we're trying to send it to people}
You will receive good luck within four days of relaying this tantra totem
{Or at least gripe filled e-mails}
Send copies to people you think need good luck
{And you think have more free time than they need}
Don't send money as fate has no price
{Destiny however, is available wholesale}
Do not keep this message
{Because it’s useless}
The tantra totem must leave your hands in 96 hours
{Or you may actually start to believe it}
Send ten copies and see what happens in four days
{Most likely, ten people will “unfriend” you}
You will get a very pleasant surprise
{Your e-mail actually works}
This is true, even if you are not superstitious
{And you can fly if you think happy thoughts...go try}
THE LIST
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
{For it confuses the hell out of them, and allows you to screw them over later}
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
{Unless it starts "there once was a man from Nantucket"}
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
{Or bludgeon all who deserve it}
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
{At least until they say yes}
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
{So you can determine if they bought it}
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
{This way you can plan the fights you want to last forever}
7. Believe in love at first sight.
{Use a bottle of Tequila to help this belief}
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
{Unless they involve "alternative food sources” or "experimental art forms"}
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
{Completely sure of getting hurt, that is}
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
{Rude gestures, however, are encouraged}
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
{Until you've met them}
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
{But if you don't think about what you're talking about, it doesn't matter}
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
{Then kick them in the groin and run out of the room}
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
{And yet everyone thinks they're gonna hit the lottery in both cases}
15. Call your mom.
{What you call her, is up to you}
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
{And say "what the hell died in your butt?" when they pass wind}
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
{Or the location and weaknesses of the one who beat you}
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
{That you could get caught for}
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
{Unless it’s over money, power or chocolate}
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps
{To hide the evidence, and cover up the bodies}
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
{They still can’t see "the finger" though}
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
{Plus vocal senility is more entertaining than the silent type}
23. Spend some time alone
{For some people, as much as possible}
.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
{Having no values makes this easy}
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
{Unless the question is really stupid, then derisive laughter is the best answer}
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
{Better yet, do neither and go outside once in a while}
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
{If you're one of those smug self-satisfied types, otherwise, have as much fun as possible to really enjoy what you look back on}
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
{Especially in the church parking lot}
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
{Like sending the kids to boarding school, and the Grandparents to a rest home}
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
{Unless it can be used to your advantage only}
31. Read between the lines.
{Or you miss smart ass comments, like this one}
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
{And gain control over people}
33. Be gentle with the earth.
{However, since the Earth can deal with volcanos, earthquakes, meteors, pole reversal, solar flares etcetera, this is a pretty wide definition of gentile here}
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
{As in, you can't measure the power of something that has no visible effect}
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
{Use this time to figure out what they want from you}
36. Mind your own business.
{It’s harder for others to exploit you that way}
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
{Of course you have to open your eyes to find out- basically don't trust anyone}
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
{And stay there}
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
{Right after buying cool stuff, and influencing people}
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
{Like, if you wanted a kick in the head}
41. Learn the rules then break some.
{But don't break the wrong ones, or you're screwed...the wrong ones will change continuously}
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
{And you can both get a little on the side}
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
{If you gave up your morals, your standards or your responsibilities that’s BIG a success}
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
{Translation: if you're a jerk now -.you'll be jerky till you die}
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
{And try to get the other person to clean up after both}
Now, here's the FUN part
{For the extremely sad and lonely}
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
{By not having to deal with those five people anymore}
0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
{Because there are less people who won’t talk to you than if you send it to five or more}
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
{As opposed to all those times your life improves not to your liking}
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
{Most of these will involve peoples e-mail addresses surprisingly no longer working}
15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape
Hilarious! Especially the unintended joke of 'a pretty wide definition of gentile here'
ReplyDeleteHooray! You got rid of the indecypherable 'Prove you're not a robot' eye test. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYour welcome. Far too many of my friends and relations are apparently robots.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanx, but no humor is truly unintentional.