Monday, April 1, 2013


Rooters- Once again, a seemingly harmless and commonplace piece of technology has brought a new heath hazard to the workplace.  A new and experimental laser-printing cartridge has been prematurely released into offices around the country, which can pose serious health threats to users.

The new cartridges use lasers that are exponentially more powerful than those of standard systems on the market.  Several cases of the prototypes, intended for tests on various companies’ systems, were mislabeled as standard replacement units and accidentally given out to Konica, HP and Cannon servicemen.  They were then placed into an unknown number of printers, photocopiers and fax machines nationwide.

In a press conference yesterday afternoon, Edward Koherent Ph.D., leading research scientist for Advanced Printing Enterprises, issued the following statement:

“The intent of implementing higher-powered lasers was to produce faster and bolder printing.  However, the prototype shielding has proven to be insufficient and will wear away after multiple operations.  This allows the laser to pierce the housing of the device and reach the user.”  

He also stated that the danger is great. Depending on the amount of wear on the shielding the effects could range from a tingling sensation through mild burns and possibly more serious injuries.

This was frighteningly confirmed late last evening when Ms. Anne Cawtrize, an executive assistant in Boise, Idaho, lost her left arm while collating a report.

Tragedy struck again this morning after an as yet unidentified system administrator in Wichita, Kansas was cut cleanly in half by a PagePro 1350.

Dr. Koherent has advised everyone who has had their printer or copier serviced in the last month to avoid using the devices until every last cartridge has been found and recalled.  He advised:

“If you must make a printout or copy, stand as far away from the machine as possible, push the buttons with a long stick, and never look directly at the machine.”


Anonymous said...


pretty funny...

Anonymous said...

Hi Jeff,
holy crap!
not april fools, but I just read this and it blew my mind. I am angry that I have to die one day and will not know how reality I had to share...
like...holy crap!
oh yeah Im anonymous because im too lazy to find my password

Jeff McGinley said...

Many thanx...

Wow, so did the laser printers create those holes in the universe? It's worse than I thought!

Bruce Fieggen said...

Pretty bad that I got to the fourth paragraph before looking for the post date. Must be getting old.

Jeff McGinley said...

Thanx Bruce. If it makes you feel better, I hung up an earlier version at work several years ago and the only thing that tipped of some people was, in that version, I incorrectly listed a Deskjet which is an inkjet printer.

Some people miss the big picture by focusing on the details.