Monday, July 28, 2014

The Litany of Godzilla: Millennium Series Part Two – Ignoring Everything

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Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack

Commander McAwesome of the navy gives a briefing to let everyone know the Continuity Du Jour.  Godzilla attacked Tokyo in 1954 (as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be) and then went away.  There’s concern of a return as other monsters have started to appear.  Those foolish Americans thought the first one a few years ago in New York was Godzilla, but Japan knows they’re mistaken.

There’s also a report that an American submarine has gone missing.  The Japanese research sub Satsuma finds the wreckage, and sees some big, familiar looking dorsal plates sneaking away from the scene of the crime.

Of course there is a Plucky Struggling Reporter.  She works for a sensationalist pseudo-science outfit, but yearns to do real news items instead of fake documentaries about “monsters.”  Again, why these things aren’t one and the same in a world where Kaiju exist is never fully explained. She’s teamed with Slacker Cameraman and Research Guy, who carries as much of a torch for her as Japanese cinema allows.  We see her excelling at her work, convincing a man to let them film a fake monster story on his land because if Godzilla really did come there, he’d be living on a tourist attraction.  She deftly leaves out the part about him probably not being living. Between takes, she sees visions of a spooky old guy. (Played by Hideyo Amamoto King Kong EscapesDoctor Hu.) 

While the land owner happily tells his wife how great it will be when Godzilla comes, a Jerky Teenage Gang of dirt bike riders harass them, and knock over a Little Stone Guy.
They then ride into a tunnel which collapses on them due to a moving earthquake that roars, has claws and teeth, and looks remarkably like Baragon from Frankenstein Conquers the World.  Rescue efforts are made using an exploding rocket drill missile thingy that is far too cool not to come back later.

Research Guy brings Plucky Struggling Reporter “The Big Book of Guardian Monsters” that lists a location that matches up with the tunnel collapse, and what happens in the next scene.

Some more Jerky Teenagers are on a beach; robbing a house, trying to drown a dog, and knocking over a Little Stone Guy. (See a pattern?) There are very Jawsy happenings in the water, but instead of a fin, a giant angry caterpillar pops out of the surf.  The reporter team goes over monster information at a bar and sees a news story showing the Jerkys are all dead, but the dog is fine.  Afterwards, to connect the two parts of the movie, Research Guy brings Plucky Struggling Reporter home “drunk again.”  To his horror, and our amusement, we all learn her dad is none other than Commander McAwesome

The Commander attends a government meeting split between the “Why now, and why always Japan?” whiners, and tough guys who talk about how they have much bigger weapons than 1954.  You’d think the Captured Computer Programmer from Earth DestructiveDirective: Godzilla Against Gigan who’s sitting in the meeting could have warned them about thinking that way.

Meanwhile, the reporter gang heads to the as yet unkaijued third location from the “The Big Book of Guardian Monsters.”  There they find Spooky Old Hu in jail.  He babbles on for a bit and lets them know Godzilla is returning so they’d better go wake the heroic King Ghidorah. (Remember to forget all the old movies or you’ll never make it through this one.)   The book talks about King Ghidorah having eight heads, but since he’s only had two thousand years since he died last time instead of ten thousand, he probably won’t have grown them all back.  Really, this is all in there. This film not only ignores continuity with any other Godzilla film, but with itself.

Once more, we find some Jerky Teenagers. These are playing pool and loafing about a seashore home with pictures of Godzilla’s original attack in it.  They go on about how the army was mean and nasty for killing the Big G back in 1954.  Cue a typhoon, a roar, and a large Godzillaish foot smashing the home and Jerkys.  I could have done without the reaction shot of the guy in the toilet for this one.

The reporters learn from the Spooky Old Hu tape that Godzilla is made of all the souls killed in World War II in the pacific, and because Japan wants to forget its past, he comes there to attack.
Well, yes, naturally. 

There’s also stuff from American Indian Legends about rocks being recording devices like CDs and needing to wake up the Guardian Monsters using that valuable information.  There are some further details later on explaining that the Guardians protect the homeland, which doesn’t always extend to the people. (Especially Jerky people, apparently.) They also explain that while Godzilla did absorb the souls of those protecting “the homeland” he absorbed more souls of people from other countries, who are still angry about the whole getting killed thing.  Basically, the movie pulls ideas and rationales from any piece of history, mythology or spirituality to justify any monster in it doing as much damage as possible.

The last Little Stone Guy turns up under a businessman trying to hang himself.  He falls into a cave holding the frozen and still unseen King Ghidorah, and yells.
For a LONG time.

Plucky Struggling Reporter calls her dad to try to get information, but he tells her that he isn’t allowed, and she needs to use her reporter skills.  She kind of fails at using those skills, arguing with him while the “Godzilla’s Back” press conference is on the TV behind her. The father and daughter reach a truce afterwards when she brings him the “Big Book of Guardian Monsters.”  With all the Kaiju action, Commander McAwesome has a PTSD flashback to 1954 when he was a lad and his parents were killed by Godzilla.  No wonder he’s awesome, he’s basically this worlds Batman!

Baragon surfaces and breaks open the jail, killing pretty much everyone except Spooky Old Hu. All the people who see him think he’s Godzilla, which means they haven’t been paying attention.

The real Godzilla emerges from the ocean in full view for the first time.  He isn’t pointy anymore.  His scales are jet black, his eyes are empty white and he is evil…EVIL … EEEEEEEEVIIIIILLLL!
And a little on the chubby side.

But still

His evil rampage passes through the city, reduced slightly in its evilness by the extremely comical behavior of the crowds running away from him.  He also passes the hospital containing the injured landlady of the pool playing Jerkys.  She screams while watching him, but is completely relieved as he passes…

Until he smashes the whole hospital with his tail.

His breath turns the town into a mushroom cloud, seen by Plucky Struggling Reporter and Research Guy heading towards him with a broken piece of a Little Stone Guy.  Baragon is heading his way too, passing far too many people with absurd reactions.  Godzilla puts a stop to their over acting by pushing a mountain on them.

Baragon attacks in full Guardian Monster mode. Unfortunately, he’s about half Godzilla’s size, and lacks any sort of energy attack.  It’s basically a large dog that digs well against an inferno breathing dinosaur.   Godzilla clobbers him with one arm and stomps on his head a bit.  A news copter provides wrestling like commentary, and adds insult to injury by only referring to Baragon as “The Red Monster.”   Godzilla puts a stop to that too by tail flicking Baragon through the chopper and into the next valley. 

Baragon pathetically tries to scramble away while Godzilla blasts the ground out from under him, and finally atomizes the first Guardian into a flaming cloud of Magic Dust.

With one monster down, the other two really need to do something.  Spooky Old Hu puts his Little Stone Guy on the ice in the Ghidorah Cave, and there’s a giant white peanut on the lake where we last saw the caterpillar.

The General whining about Godzilla always attacking Japan confidently sends out the fighter jets. Meanwhile Plucky Struggling Reporter and Research Guy have a spat over her issues with doing stupid things. She proves him right by taking off after Godzilla on a bicycle.  Using the bike, she reaches him at the same time as the fighter jets do. 
Of course she does. 
She gets there in time to watch the planes do just as badly as expected.  Godzilla makes sure that one crashes directly onto a home.

King Ghidorah wakes up and stares at Spooky Old Hu.  He’s kind of stumpy and has Varan’s head(s). This is because Varan was supposed to be a Guardian Monster, but no one cares about Varan except the director.

Over at the lake, the giant peanut hatches, and a way smaller than normal, bee like Mothra flies out. This is because Anguirus was supposed to be a Guardian Monster, but no one cares about Anguirus except me.  Mothra flies over a pair of twins…that really don’t look all that much alike.  Well, they tried.

As she bikes along with the King of Monsters (remember, he is kinda chubby) Plucky Struggling Reporter mentally connects with King Ghidorah and Spooky Old Hu via her piece of Little Stone Guy.
I have definitely been watching too many of these, I found nothing unusual in that last sentence.

In order to “avoid confusion” the army decides to name the creatures.  Luckily, Commander McAwesome has the “Big Book of Guardian Monsters.” Sucks for you Baragon.

Captain Yells Alot welcomes Commander McAwesome to his vessel, and the Commander waxes philosophical about war, duty, and alliances with Guardian Monsters.  He watches the ensuing Kaiju battle, planning to come in when Godzilla has been injured.  That’s why he’s the Commander.

Mini Mothra fights Godzilla, but even the new flaming stinging butt darts she has don’t help her much. Between her flapping and Godzilla’s breathing, buildings are exploding everywhere. Plucky Struggling Reporter screams a bunch and realizes she should have come in a sturdier vehicle.

Stumpy King Ghidorah joins in the fight, with his lightning bite.  He does about as well as Mini Mothra, whose stealth needs a bit of work. She tries to sneak up on Godzilla while he’s distracted fighting the other Guardian.  She ends up with a no look tail swat for her troubles.  The Big G then unloads a breath blast that knocks Stumpy King Ghidorah across town; his second blast is blocked by Mini Mothra, leaving both of them grounded and dazed.

Commander McAwesome orders many exploding rocket drill missile thingies fired, and they do nothing.  Godzilla retaliates by spewing radioactive death on all the ground troops and most of the navy.

The Big G walks to the shore line and charges up an attack to toast the Command Ship.  Mini Mothra’s second attempt at stealth is as successful as her first.   Godzilla spins around at the last second and vaporizes Guardian Number Two out of the sky.  The magic dust from the Mini Mothra explosion settles on Stumpy King Ghidorah, turning him into regular King Ghidorah with a Magic Dust Anti Godzilla Breath Shield.  (Yes, really. The Magic Dust is back full force.)

King Ghidorah can now, surprisingly, emit a ginormous flaming sparkling Magic Dust ball, that flattens and injures Godzilla sending the King of Monsters swimming.  The “Thousand Year Old Dragon” gives chase, ending with his standard flying kick and an underwater battle.

With the entire military force crippled, Commander McAwesome decides the only way to deliver one of the few remaining exploding rocket drill missile thingies into Godzilla’s wound is to pilot it using the Satsuma research sub.  Plucky Struggling Reporter hears about this in the Jeep she’s been rescued/captured in and grabs a walkie talkie to plead with her father.  The conversation can be summed up thusly:

“Don’t go Daddy!  You’re a high ranking officer, why do you have to do it?”

“Because I’m awesome.  Now go be awesome too.”

Then he tells the guard to release her to report on the chaos.  Research Guy finally arrives, because he had to take a car instead of a bike, looks uncomfortable for a bit, and tags along to film her.  They choose a tower of a bridge, which Godzilla accidentally breathes on while fighting King Ghidorah in short order.  There is much screaming and hanging out of a window.

Captain Yells Alot shoots his exploding rocket drill missile thingy at Godzilla, who does another last minute spin putting King Ghidorah in the target zone.  The blast distracts Guardian Number Three enough to let Godzilla breathe on him and kill him…again.  He also grabs Commander McAwesome’s sub.

Luckily for everyone, the piece of Little Stone Guy falls out of Plucky Struggling Reporter’s purse and Magic Dusts its way onto King Ghidorah. He revives just as the pair plummets out the window and belches a cushion of magic air bubbles to break their fall…or something.  The reawakening frees the Satsuma as the Kaiju fight once more.  King Ghidorah is stumpy again, but excessively shiny, and can finally breathe lightning.  That doesn’t help him much either; and a point blank atomic ray breath blast blows the snot out of him, disintegrating King Ghidorah. 

As King Ghidorah bits rain down on the bay, the left over Magic Dust turns into all three Guardians before Godzilla absorbs it and presumably their souls.  No, I didn’t make that up, he’s just that EEEEEEEEVIIIIILLLL!

Commander McAwesome pilots the Satsuma right into Godzilla’s mouth…and nearly dies.  Plucky Struggling Reporter shows up next to him in the cockpit, because she was drowning, or maybe they both breathed in too much Magic Dust.  Once she vanishes, he’s refocused and fires the rocket drill missile thingy from the inside out through Godzilla’s shoulder wound.

The Big G rises up from the sea in front of the exhausted and soggy Plucky Struggling Reporter and Research Guy, while starting to charge up a breath attack for them.  The energy bursts out the new hole in him, shortly followed by the Satsuma. 

Because the commander is THAT awesome.

Godzilla, refusing to give up after only one attempt, tries to breathe again, and this time EXPLODES!!!!

Everyone at Headquarters cheers, especially the one military lady who’s been the most emotional about every aspect of the Commander’s actions.  Yeah, she’ll be joining the McAwesome harem.

Slacker Cameraman and the rest of the gang at the sensationalist pseudo-science outfit also cheer wildly.  They’re expecting to get major awards based on Plucky Probably Not Struggling Anymore Reporter’s work. They also find that all evidence of Spooky Old Hu has vanished from their tapes, likely because he died at age seventy five shortly after Godzilla’s 1954 attack.


Commander McAwesome exits the Satsuma, but can’t hug his daughter because he might be radioactive and, more importantly, it wouldn’t be awesome enough.  She salutes him, and he salutes the Guardian Monsters.  The late, human killing, pretty dang useless against Godzilla, Guardian Monsters - in case anyone forgot that point.

Meanwhile, at the bottom of the ocean, the now bodiless giant black heart of Godzilla still beats.


An Ifukube march plays over the closing credits, in case we thought it was someone else’s heart there, I guess.

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