Thursday, January 26, 2017

George Awards: A Stack of Dimes

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

With a bit of poetry out of the way, it’s time to say:
Welcome back to the George Awards, the seemingly endless, if occasional, attempts to identify excellent uses of profanity in the movies to create humor.  (Click here for a full explanation (and index) of how and why this foray into filth began..)

Today - Dick Jokes.

Yup, that’s where we’re going.

They’re crass, crude, and often aimed at the lowest common denominator.

However, they’re also easily translatable and depending on placement, context or reaction can be hysterical due to unexpectedness, and in some cases quite clever.

In other words, it’s all about how you use it.

Well, that was awkward. 

On to the Dick Jokes…but first an Honorable Mention-

Technically, this instance originated in the television version of these characters and should not be considered for these completely non-prestigious awards.

However, there was a film version in 1992 that put all of the stupid catchphrases we were throwing around the dorm for the past couple of years onto the big screen together with enough well timed pop culture gags to add to the list and have us continue to quote them well beyond graduation.

For this, Mike Meyers and Dana Carvey (Wayne and Garth) a mere twenty days before the film's twenty-fifth anniversary, the George Awards is proud to saulte Wayne’s World:

And now the official list

Starting us off at number Ten 10 is Harry Shearer as Bass Player Derek Smalls in 1984’s This Is Spinal Tap.  The film is remarkable for being mostly ad-libbed, giving it the distinction of the deleted scenes feature being longer than the actual film. Despite or perhaps because of this- many rock musicians have referred to it as far closer to a documentary than a comedy.  The line about having “Armadillo’s in our trousers,” by Christopher Guest’s Nigel Tufnel could have made the list on its own.

However, it’s the nonverbal removal of Derek’s oddly tin foil wrapped cucumber from his pants in the metal detector scene that wins the award.

Kentucky Fried Movie shouldn’t make the list either, for most of the rules I’ve been following. It’s full of sex jokes, profanity, and a comedy trailer for a porno film. The George Awards are somewhat based on surprise.

So why chose this one?

The reason is that the Fist Full or Yen Bruce Lee parody segment rises above the rest of the film that I admittedly still find hilarious.  (I spent far too long a time trying to loophole “Big Jim Slade” into the second list of this edition)  The winning moment takes a “joke” used in many other films, and satirizes it for the lame, cheap and racist gag it is. (I’m looking at you 16 Candles)   

Here’s the Ninth Place winner, at the game show based guard review of Doctor Klahn, played by Hapkido Grand Master Bong Soo Han.

Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain,
and aspires to be a research chemist.
Welcome, please, Hung Well!

Guard number two is a real skating buff.
A warm welcome for Long Wang!
Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot.
Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!

The talent Show featuring the twenty somethings playing horny teenagers in 1980’s Hollywood Knights earns another George Award this time out.  I have no idea who the young actor is that performed this famous burlesque routine, nor the old man who reacts.  But at the end of the classic “One Armed Violinist Piece” when the bow is placed and held with all calmness and a straight face in front of the performer’s zipper, it is that old actor’s reaction that makes it memorable.

“He’s holding it with his dick!!!”

Not nearly as informative as most of my award winners, but tough shit I’m tired.

Though, there will be a video example of a version of this gag to an illogical and amazingly funny extreme in the Special George Awards for this year.

Moving on:

Seventh place goes to the Frank Oz directed In and Out from 1997.  Multiple George Award winner Kevin Kline steals this one as he plays teacher Howard Brackett learning his true orientation in a small town that deals with it worse than he does.

The award is earned by Kevin Chamberlin, who besides adding a bit of actual comedy to the Disney Channel’s Jessie also played Uncle Fester on Broadway, and shoveled piles of awesome as Charlie, the explosion happy bomb disposal guy who risks his life to save a school in Die Hard with a Vengeance.

I hope that’s enough information to make up for not finding a picture of the scene in the teachers’ lounge where the following conversation took place.  Chamberlin is clueless teacher Carl Mickley, opposite Debra Monk’s Mrs. Lester.

Mickley-  “Why is everyone talking about Howard?”
Lester     “Because he likes DICK, Carl!”
Mickley    “Oh.”

*Extremely long pause where his look of knowledge expertly transfers back to confusion again*
“Who's Dick? “

To make up for the lack of an image for that one, here’s a “Lost George Moment”: right before Howard is belted by the jilted Emily Montgomery. (Joan Cusak who marries Uncle Fester in Addams Family Values…making some weird link with the previous scene that is tenuous, even for me.)

Emily- “Does anybody here know how many times I had to watch Funny Lady?”
Howard-“It was a sequel. She was under contract.”
Emily - “Fuck Barbra Streisand!

And before I start posting random memories with absolutely no verified quotes or pictures, we’ll take a much needed break.

Come back when the George Awards continue…at some point…for the rest of the dick jokes.

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