George Awards: Toys in the Sand

Warning

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.

This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.

Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.

End of Warning.

Welcome back to this year’s George Awards as we sing to new depths and continue on with the top ten Dick Jokes in movies.

Sixth place is an even more detailed documentary than last week’s Tenth place Spinal Tap was- Real Genius (1985).

Large portions of it are an amazing recreation of the technical university experience.  I have lived through multiple study sessions punctuated by screaming exits followed by indifference.  This film is also one of the many movies that I quote incessantly. You’d be surprised at how often, “Your mom puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?” can be worked into conversation.

In another instance of a scene that defies categorizing, Val Kilmer as Chris Knight’s read of, “What about that time I found you naked with a bowl of Jell-O?” deserves mention, if not an actual George.

It is the interaction between Chris and Susan Decker that wins the prize, however. 

Decker has the distinction of appearing in three movies I like far more than I should: this one, Lobstermen from Mars, and Sundown the Vampire in Retreat.   Why she does not have multiple Oscars I have no idea, but at least she’ll net a George Award for this exchange.

Chris- “So, if there's anything I can do for you - or, more to the point, *to* you - just let me know.”

Susan- “Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?

Chris- “ Not right now.”

Susan- ”A girl's gotta have her standards.”

If that wasn’t enough, when Chris later returns to the home of Doctor Jerry Hathaway’s (Played by William Atherton, who we’ll meet again shortly) to interrupt his inappropriate nocturnal activities with the far too young for him (and daughter of his co-worker) Susan, the following awesome call back occurs.

Jerry- *Dismissing the half-dressed co-ed* “Take a cab.”

Chris-  “So you'll hammer later!”

Susan – *frustrated growl of righteous indignation*

Monty Python’s Meaning of Life is, for the most part, one long, and often musical dick joke. However, since that kind of gag is far more common than this year’s second list, I decided that instead of having movies appear on both, I’d reference the ones I left off this list the next time around.  This also explains some other obvious omissions…but not all of them.  (In other words, stick around folks, it’ll only get dumber.)

Instead we’ll look at another Python classic, Life of Brian.  This film was criminally left off an earlier list for the scene where the beleaguered Brian is trying to chase away the disciples and tells them to, “Fuck off!”

I apologize to John Cleese for not recognizing his clearly George Award worthy moment as the unflappable disciple Arthur who he ponders a moment, and replies with the earnest:

“How shall we fuck off, oh Lord?”

As far as Dick Jokes though, it’s would be tough to find a better sustained one than Pilate’s inquiries about what’s so funny about his friend having the name Biggus Dickus, which is Number Four.

When Graham Champan finally makes his appearance as Biggus, that’s just gravy.

The final four in this Weenie Roast all achieve their status not only based on the unexpected popping up (wha ha ha ha) of the gag, but also on the amazing comic reactions they generate.

Fourth place goes to My Favorite Year, (1982) a look behind the scenes at what would be my ultimate dream job, the comedy writers’ room of Your Show of Shows.

This moment is shortly after Errol Flynn in all but name, Alan Swann strides purposefully into the women’s rest room.  Alan is played by the actor who has doubly apt name for someone being honored for whipping it out in movies…Peter O’toole.

There he meets actual Caesar writer Selma Diamond, playing Lil, the costume lady who’s seen everything.

His response to her declaration would have made the list on its own, but it’s her perfectly timed reaction expression that wordlessly conveys an essay’s worth of acceptance, acknowledgement, and a bit of naughtiness that earns a spot near the top,

Lil-  “This is for ladies only.’

Swann- *ziiiiiiiiiiiiip*
“Well so it this mum, but once in a while I have to run a little water through it?”

Speaking of movies I love far too much, The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes Smarter Brother. The fact that this 1975 musical comedy has never had a soundtrack of its accurately chosen and expertly performed Music Hall songs released (outside of a single 45 RPM in France) is beyond an absolute sin.  It would deserve a spot in the George Awards if only for the opening scene, featuring Queen Victoria sighing, “Oh shit.”

Most of the time, it’s insanely funny, but the occasional bits of well-constructed suspense and drama connected by the loyalty to and knowledge of the Holmes cannon elevates the silly moments to hysterical by comparison.

The film is completely Gene Wilder’s baby, and his performance of Sigerson Holmes’ interrogation of operatically talented and completely insane Madaline Kahn’s Jenny Hill, could be straight out of a scene with Basil Rathbone, Jeremy Brett, or Benedict Cumberbatch.   

That is, it could be right up until the moment when she finally breaks…and Marty Feldman portrays Orville Stanley Sacker’s befuddlements with the right amount of pauses and takes to push the scene further off the rails than the significant distance it had already travelled.

Jenny- “Mr. Gambetti promised not to show my fiancè.

a-a-a foolish letter I wrote

to a silly young man I met in the country.”

Sigerson- “ What was in the letter?”

Jenny- “Nothing. It was just an innocent little note.”

Sigerson- “What was in the letter, Miss Hill?”

Jenny- “Won't you call me Jenny?”

Sigerson- “What was in the letter, Miss Hill?”

Jenny- “By the way, do you mind if I call you Siggy?” Sigerson seems so formal.”

Sigerson- “WHAT WAS IN THE LETTER MISS HILL?”

Jenny- “I said I wanted to touch his winkle!”

Sigerson- :I see.”

Jenny “Good-bye.”

Orville- “His what?”.

We now take a short break for me to jump around the room singing, “The Kangaroo Hop.”

Ghostbusters was one of three films that took advantage of poor William Atherton’s ability to play a pompous, self-important jerk off, and made his life miserable afterwards as a result. We’ve already seen him in Real Genius at Number Six, and his turn as the reporter in DieHard was cut from the same cloth.

Way up here in Second Place, we find him as EPA representative Walter Peck, who learns he is no match for the belittling, yet rib tickling, insults of Peter Venkman and Ray Stantz.

Join me in celebrating the comic genius of Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd, with David Margulies doing an extremely New Yorkish job as the mayor and straight man, won’t you?

Ray- “Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.”

Peck-“They caused an explosion!”

Mayor- “Is this true?”

Venkman- “Yes it's true.” 
 *pause with awesome Bill Murray side glance* "
This man has no dick.”

Finally we’ve reached the number one spot on this year’s first George Awards list and my all-time favorite cinematic Dick Joke.

It meets all the criteria:

Most of the film is all ages appropriate, and the line comes out of nowhere.

Yet, it’s expertly delivered and perfect for the scene.

The reactions add to an already amazingly timed laugh.

And for bonus points, the characters themselves seem to realize it doesn’t belong there. 

It gives me great pleasure to honor yet another John Landis film in the George Awards, here is Steve Martin as the in over his head (both of them) Lucky Day, Alfonso Arau as the “more than famous, he’s in-famous” despicable yet lovable El Guapo, and Tony Plana as the eternally put upon, plethora questioning, but always helpful Jefe in 1986’s The Three Amigos.

Lucky Day- “Not so fast El Guapo!

Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!”

El Guapo- “What do you mean?”

Lucky Day- *blank stare of thoughtful puzzlement* “I don't know.”

Jefe- “I think he means that if you...”

El Guapo- “Shut up!”

Thanks everyone, come back and click here in a bit for the next of this year’s George Awards lists, as I lose the most of the last vestiges of any self-respect I had, and honor funny sex scenes.

No there won’t be nasty pictures…allow me some dignity.