This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”
This is not a post for children. Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language. Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.
Hello everyone and welcome back to what is amazingly the fourth go round of the George Awards for movie profanity. (Click here for explanation and index history) This year’s second list will be a twist on the usual method of these awards. Instead of verbal profanity, they are the top ten funny sex scenes as selected by me. (Because no one else had a mind in this particular comedy gutter.)
As always, there are odd rationales, explanations and exceptions:
1) These are intentionally funny escapades, not merely hilariously poorly acted ones…Predator II better luck next time.
2) Since there were far too many Dick Jokes to choose from on only one list, and uncoincidentally, movies that throw humor into fooling around tend to have Dick Jokes in them anyway- a film that also made this list was left off of the other top ten list of this year and both were cited here.
3) The first official one of these wasn’t deserving of a George Award on its own, but I missed an epic use of profanity in it that needs to be recognized. Maybe not fully fair to the other entries but, tough shit it’s my awards.
4) Speaking of “Tough shit it’s my awards,” here’s an honorable mention, since it sorta counts.
If only 1989’s Mystery Men had come out a couple years later after superhero films emerged triumphant, we could have gotten more of them.
Anyway: Kel Mitchell as Invisible Boy, Paul Reubens as The Spleen.
And a skunk being way too happy with the flatulent Spleen’s leg.
“Just go with it.”
Let’s get on with the list, shall we?
The questionable Tenth Place entry is 1985’s Once Bitten, which along with almost half this list reminds everyone that comedy horror is my favorite genre. Lauren Hutton played the button biting Countess in pursuit of eternal youth by drinking the blood of virginal Mark Kendal, played by a young Jim Carrey.
Mark’s ultra-chaste girlfriend Robin Peirce (Karen Kopkins) decides to save him by ending both of their virginities in a coffin near the climax (ha!) of the piece. The comedy comes partially from the visual of the shaking coffin, but mostly from the Countess’s reaction:
“You couldn't have…
You've been in there less than a minute.
But you didn't have time to enjoy it.”
Funny, maybe, but probably not George Award worthy. However, mentioning this film allows me to reference an epic use of a powerful word following the dance off that introduced the movie going public to Jim Carrey’s individual brand of physical comedy.
Robin starts off pissed at the Halloween Dance because the slowly turning Mark didn’t wear the Jack costume to match her sweet and innocent Jill outfit, and instead dressed as a vampire. (“I’m not wearing a costume.”)
The Countess shows up at the High School, where she and Robin battle for Mark with a dance off…
Robin’s Jill outfit is, naturally, easily removable in sections to allow her to end up in a sexy, yet still chaste and white Danskins ensemble.
Her verbal beat down of the Countess following the musical battle is far more deserving of a George Award than the previously mentioned scene.
“Mark doesn't want you because you're mean and evil.
He wants me because I am nice and sweet and pure,
So FUCK OFF!”
If I had let the Ninth Place entry on the Dick Jokes list, it would have filled it.
Monty Python’s Meaning of Life from 1983 was specifically designed to offend everyone who saw it.
John Cleese was brilliant as instructor Humphrey Williams and used his own experience as a teacher in the British boarding school system, and borrowed a speech actually used about coats before the scene in question.
Now, before I begin the lesson,
will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut,
unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy,
in which case, collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair cut,
and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you.
With Patricia Quinn (Magenta of Rocky Horror fame) as his wife, he continues the clinical dullness throughout the Number Nine George Award moment in a demonstrated Sex Ed scene that is simultaneously offensive, funny and exceedingly drab and awful.
The rest of the film is a near parade of Dick Jokes, including two musical ones which deserve recognition:
Michael Palin and Terry Jones as the catholic couple that begins “Every Sperm is Sacred” which somehow morphs into an enormous Oliver style musical performance is the first.
The second is the Eric Idle foray into the world of penis synonyms in the “Not the Noel Coward Song.”
Thanks to Mr. Idle’s flair for musical theater, well-practiced in his own travelling show and Spamalot, both numbers got hilarious expansions and upgrades in the Python’s 2014 final reunion Monty Python Live (Mostly): One Down, Five To Go.
The former had added Riverdancing and phallic cannons…
While the latter had dancing sailors, and two added verses:
One about analogous female anatomy (using the “Accountancy Shanty” melody) and one about butts.
All three wove together with outstanding choreography for the big finish.
And if that level of artistic devotion to filth doesn’t deserve an award I don’t know what does.
Hey, you know what? I haven’t gratuitously given awards just so I can mention some of my favorite movies in a while.
Let’s fix that with the Eighth Place:
Multiple George Award winner John Carpenter brings us Rowdy Roddy Piper as Nada in this 1988 subversive, subliminal set of strange happenings. Well after he runs out of bubble gum, and just after he blows up the aliens’ projector while giving them the finger, all the skeletal freaks from another planet that have infiltrated human society, and taken it over, are revealed This is much to the stunned surprise of those around them.
And no one was more stunned or surprised than the young lady (Cibby Danyla) in the middle of a whoopee party with one of those previously disguised invaders in the final scene.
“Hey, what's wrong, baby?”
For Number Seven, another of the Films Jeff Loves Too Much: Transylvania 6-5000.
Gil Turner and Jack Harrison (Ed Begley Jr. and Jeff Goldblum) follow Lawrence Malbot on a moonlit night.
Lawrence is played by none other than the film’s writer and director (and pal of Mel Brooks) Rudy Deluca.
Gil believes he’s a lycanthrope, but he quickly learns what he will find out later from Lawrence’s wife Madame “then doooooon’t jump off” Moravia (Inge Appelt). “He is a wolf, my son is a werewolf.”
When they find him in rustling bushes after following him, they learn they did not stop his attack on a victim, but rather his nighttime adventures with a local peasant girl (Visnja Babic)
Their discovery would lead to a later George Award moment when Jack yelled, “You shined the light right on his ass.”
During the light shining they apologize, with Gil claiming, “I thought you were an animal.”
The moment's award worthiness ratchets up above where the fantastic Wolf-Man reference fall on their face with the girl’s straight faced, deadpan response.
As good as the Nineteen-Eighties are to the George Awards, they need some new blood as well…
And very few films have more blood that 2016’s Deadpool.
The year long, raunchy, holiday montage of lust between Ryan Reynolds’s Wade and Morena Baccarin’s Vanessa oddly also serves as the romantic lynchpin for the two characters. Because as screwed up as they both are, and as violent and ridiculous as the film gets, at its heart it’s a truly romantic love story between the two.
This point is made the clearest when in the middle of all the festive fornication to the foolishly fun "Calendar Girl" by Neil Sedaka, they’re enjoying each other’s company while silently reading:
Since I’ve pointed out Deadpool could have been on just about every other George Awards list, let’s throw another Dick Joke on the pile, shall we.
There are several to pick from, but since Leslie Uggams as Blind Al added quiet comedy gold to every scene she reacted to, how about this one:
Click here next week to continue this terrible idea.