This post contains
bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your
spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace
without honor.”
This is not a post
for children. Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a
post for those adults who are offended by this type of language. Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my
cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything
else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.
Hello everyone and welcome back to
what is amazingly the fourth go round of the George Awards for movie profanity.
(Click here for explanation and index history)
This year’s second list will be a twist on the usual method of these
awards. Instead of verbal profanity, they are the top ten funny sex scenes as
selected by me. (Because no one else had a mind in this particular comedy
gutter.)
As always, there are odd rationales,
explanations and exceptions:
1) These are intentionally funny
escapades, not merely hilariously poorly acted ones…Predator II better luck next time.
2)
Since there were far too many Dick Jokes to choose from on only one list, and
uncoincidentally, movies that throw humor into fooling around tend to have Dick
Jokes in them anyway- a film that also made this list was left off of the other
top ten list of this year and both were cited here.
3)
The first official one of these wasn’t deserving of a George Award on its own,
but I missed an epic use of profanity in it that needs to be recognized. Maybe
not fully fair to the other entries but, tough shit it’s my awards.
4) Speaking of “Tough shit it’s my awards,” here’s an honorable mention, since it
sorta counts.
If
only 1989’s Mystery Men had come out
a couple years later after superhero films emerged triumphant, we could have
gotten more of them.
Anyway:
Kel Mitchell as Invisible Boy, Paul Reubens as The Spleen.
And
a skunk being way too happy with the flatulent Spleen’s leg.
“Just go with it.”
Let’s
get on with the list, shall we?
The
questionable Tenth Place entry is 1985’s Once
Bitten, which along with almost half this list reminds everyone that comedy
horror is my favorite genre. Lauren
Hutton played the button biting Countess in pursuit of eternal youth by
drinking the blood of virginal Mark Kendal, played by a young Jim Carrey.
Mark’s
ultra-chaste girlfriend Robin Peirce (Karen Kopkins) decides to save him by
ending both of their virginities in a coffin near the climax (ha!) of the
piece. The comedy comes partially from
the visual of the shaking coffin, but mostly from the Countess’s reaction:
“You couldn't have…
You've been in there
less than a minute.
But you didn't have
time to enjoy it.”
Funny,
maybe, but probably not George Award worthy.
However, mentioning this film allows me to reference an epic use of a
powerful word following the dance off that introduced the movie going public to
Jim Carrey’s individual brand of physical comedy.
Robin
starts off pissed at the Halloween Dance because the slowly turning Mark didn’t
wear the Jack costume to match her sweet and innocent Jill outfit, and instead
dressed as a vampire. (“I’m not wearing a costume.”)
The
Countess shows up at the High School, where she and Robin battle for Mark with
a dance off…
Because
Eighties.
Robin’s
Jill outfit is, naturally, easily removable in sections to allow her to end up
in a sexy, yet still chaste and white Danskins ensemble.
Her
verbal beat down of the Countess following the musical battle is far more
deserving of a George Award than the previously mentioned scene.
“Mark doesn't want
you because you're mean and evil.
He wants me because I
am nice and sweet and pure,
So FUCK OFF!”
If
I had let the Ninth Place entry on the Dick Jokes list, it would have filled
it.
Monty Python’s
Meaning of Life from
1983 was specifically designed to offend everyone who saw it.
John
Cleese was brilliant as instructor Humphrey Williams and used his own experience
as a teacher in the British boarding school system, and borrowed a speech
actually used about coats before the scene in question.
Now, before I begin
the lesson,
will those of you who
are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower
peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not
getting your hair cut,
unless you've got a
younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy,
in which case,
collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair
cut,
and make sure he
moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you.
Now...”
With
Patricia Quinn (Magenta of Rocky
Horror fame) as his wife, he continues the clinical dullness throughout the
Number Nine George Award moment in a demonstrated Sex Ed scene that is
simultaneously offensive, funny and exceedingly drab and awful.
The
rest of the film is a near parade of Dick Jokes, including two musical ones
which deserve recognition:
Michael
Palin and Terry Jones as the catholic couple that begins “Every Sperm is
Sacred” which somehow morphs into an enormous Oliver style musical performance is the first.
The
second is the Eric Idle foray into the world of penis synonyms in the “Not the Noel
Coward Song.”
Thanks
to Mr. Idle’s flair for musical theater, well-practiced in his own travelling
show and Spamalot, both numbers got
hilarious expansions and upgrades in the Python’s 2014 final reunion Monty Python Live (Mostly): One Down, Five
To Go.
The
former had added Riverdancing and phallic cannons…
While
the latter had dancing sailors, and two added verses:
One
about analogous female anatomy (using the “Accountancy Shanty” melody) and one
about butts.
All
three wove together with outstanding choreography for the big finish.
And
if that level of artistic devotion to filth doesn’t deserve an award I don’t
know what does.
Hey,
you know what? I haven’t gratuitously given awards just so I can mention some
of my favorite movies in a while.
Let’s
fix that with the Eighth Place:
They Live!
Multiple
George Award winner John Carpenter brings us Rowdy Roddy Piper as Nada in this 1988
subversive, subliminal set of strange happenings. Well after he runs out of bubble gum, and
just after he blows up the aliens’ projector while giving them the finger, all
the skeletal freaks from another planet that have infiltrated human society,
and taken it over, are revealed This is much to the stunned surprise of those
around them.
“Hey, what's wrong,
baby?”
For
Number Seven, another of the Films Jeff Loves Too Much: Transylvania 6-5000.
Gil
Turner and Jack Harrison (Ed Begley Jr. and Jeff Goldblum) follow Lawrence
Malbot on a moonlit night.
Lawrence
is played by none other than the film’s writer and director (and pal of Mel
Brooks) Rudy Deluca.
Gil believes he’s a lycanthrope, but he
quickly learns what he will find out later from Lawrence’s wife Madame “then
doooooon’t jump off” Moravia (Inge Appelt).
“He is a wolf, my son is a werewolf.”
When they find him in rustling bushes after following him, they learn they did not stop his attack on a victim, but
rather his nighttime adventures with a local peasant girl (Visnja Babic)
Their
discovery would lead to a later George Award moment when Jack yelled, “You
shined the light right on his ass.”
During
the light shining they apologize, with Gil claiming, “I thought you were an
animal.”
The
moment's award worthiness ratchets up above where the fantastic Wolf-Man
reference fall on their face with the girl’s straight faced, deadpan response.
As good as the Nineteen-Eighties are to the George Awards, they need some new blood as well…
And
very few films have more blood that 2016’s Deadpool.
The year long, raunchy, holiday montage of lust between Ryan Reynolds’s Wade and Morena
Baccarin’s Vanessa oddly also serves as the romantic lynchpin for the two
characters. Because as screwed up as they both are, and as violent and
ridiculous as the film gets, at its heart it’s a truly romantic love story
between the two.
This
point is made the clearest when in the middle of all the festive fornication to the foolishly fun "Calendar Girl" by Neil Sedaka, they’re
enjoying each other’s company while silently reading:
Since I’ve pointed out Deadpool could have
been on just about every other George Awards list, let’s throw another Dick
Joke on the pile, shall we.
There
are several to pick from, but since Leslie Uggams as Blind Al added quiet
comedy gold to every scene she reacted to, how about this one:
Click here next week to continue this terrible idea.
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