Thursday, February 23, 2017

George Awards: That’s a Signpost Bob

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

The Fourth Edition of the George Awards continues here with the upper half of the funny sex scenes list.

Much like this year’s Dick Jokes list, the cream of the crop (sorry) many times has more to do with reactions than the actual event.

Fifth Place is further representation of the Eighties on these lists. It was an outstanding decade for the George Awards.  I’m not sure why, perhaps it was the same massive expansion of cable networks that meant a PG rating insured one random, unnecessary boob exposure per PG film…or should that be, “two random…?”

Anyway, our old friend director John Landis is back for an award along with yet another of my favorite horror comedies, 1981’s American Werewolf in LondonWhile the actual love scene in the film was both tender and passionate, the use of Landis’s trademark “film in a film” See You Next Wednesday was anything but.

Susan Spence as Georgia Bailey, Dave Cooper as Chris Bailey, Lucien Morgan and Lance Boyle (*snicker*) and
Linzi Drew as Brenda Bristols (*bwa ha ha!*) delivered an award winning scene on their own.  But it’s the reactions of David Naughton as tragic monster David Kessler and Griffin Dunne as happy go lucky corpse Jack Goodman that brings it home.

The film isn’t real clear about who’s who in See You Next Wednesday, so I’ll stick with generics.

Enraged Man at Door –
“What are you doing 'ere? You promised never to do this kind of thing again!”
Surprised Man in Bed –
“I never promised you any such thing.”
Enraged Man at Door –
“Not you, you twit. Her.”
Woman in Bed Doing Naughty Things with Surprised Man in Bed –
“I've never seen you before in my life.”
*comedic pause*
Suddenly Confused Man at Door-
“Oh, sorry.”

David- “Gooood movie.”
Jack – “mm Hmm.”

Now it’s time to stay in the comedy horror genre, but modernize the list a little with a 2012 remake of a 1966 television classic: Dark Shadows.  In addition, it’s time to bring Tim Burton back to the George Awards for the first time since Beetlejuice commented on Adam’s model way back in the first edition.

Vampire Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) and Witch Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) participate in some hysterical apartment destructing nookie, showcasing the dangers of combining unbridled passion with super strength and invulnerability. Barnabas punctuates the event nicely with the bleedin’ obvious.

“That was a regrettable turn of events.”

With both John Cleese, and Kevin Kline participating, A Fish Called Wanda (1988) is a shoe in for multiple George Awards.  In fact, Kline earned not only my stupid awards, but a fucking Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his genius level moronity.   It earns the Third Place on this list for a perfectly constructed comparison. Cleese’s Archie Leach preparing for a loveless and separate bedtime with his wife Wendy (Maria Aitken)
was intercut with Kline’s Otto West and his insane attempts at romance leading to passion with Wanda Gershwitz (Jamie Lee Curtis).
Curtis being able to play the scene at all without collapsing into hysterics shows her abilities as an actor, while her interplay with both men highlighted her comedic ability, which also showed up in True Lies and Trading Places. In all three cases, her beauty and humor were never sacrificed at each other’s expense.

Otto also deserves mention on this year’s Dick Joke list for the near infinite variety and timing of Kline’s deliveries of the running gag:

“Touch his dick,
and he’s dead!”

One final modern entry in the Number Two spot before we bring it home with the Eighties.   Realizing how well Scott Snyder adapted the famous graphic novel Watchmen to the screen in 2009, makes me angry all over again that he was unable to make the same connection to DC’s two premier superheroes.  While he made the symbol of hope dark and depressing in Man of Steel, he rendered the beloved misfits and failures of Watchmen as more likable and competent than their four color counterparts.

In the movie, the heroes are shown to be excellent at fighting low level crime, and the point was that the bigger picture issues eluded them. However the comic, even their “street crime fighting” abilities are questionable.

e.g.  Rorschach displayed actual detective abilities on screen, where in the book; he randomly beats people up and only learns something by accident.

Sorry, long geeky off topic there. Back to the list at hand, and the famous sex scene in the Owlship between Dan Dreiberg -Nite Owl II (Patrick Wilson) and Laurie Juspeczyk- Silk Spectre II (Malin Åkerman).  In the comic, it’s implied Dan is unable to perform with her earlier on the couch because wearing the costume is what turns him on.  The film has a more impressive and competent Nite Owl.

Ta da!  What can I say, I like the guy.

And it is the idea is that he was actually doing good fighting crime as a superhero, and being prevented from that makes him feel useless and impotent.  Being able to save lives again is what gives him his mojo back, not the goofy suit.

However, superheroes knocking thematically accessorized boots in a flying bird ship is going to be ridiculous no matter how artistically it’s shot, or how much it drives and develops the characters.  Therefore Scott Snyder INSISTED on underscoring the airborne tryst with “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen insuring the audience would not only feel comfortable laughing, but be forced too.  The fact that it also forces me to laugh at any serious occasion the song is played, and laugh more often in church, which was already a problem, is bonus points for Mr. Snyder.

Recreating the comic’s uncontrolled flamethrower burst at the moment of climax was a nice touch as well.

As we reach the top spot on the last top ten George Awards list of this year, I’ll remind everyone that one of the main criteria of these is the surprising or unexpected use of these words or events.

I do this to allow all the readers a chance to decide I’m completely full of shit when I announce that 1982’s Porky’s takes the top spot.

The first day we got cable, Porky’s was on. 

I haven’t stopped watching television since.

Granted, seeing Webster’s Mom (Susan Clark) as hooker Cherry Forever commenting on Meat (Tony Gainos), “That boy is deformed,” probably did untold psychological damage.

This film was universally reviled by critics and looked down upon as ushering in a generation of low brow, exploitative, sex -so called- comedies.

Which it did.

However, here’s the big difference between Porky’s and most of what followed it. 

Porky’s was funny.

Sure the jokes were dirty, stupid, and lowest common denominator material.

But the set ups and executions were well done, and the punch lines had fantastic pay offs.  As with many other high ranking spots on these lists, it comes down to reactions that win the prize.

The gym teachers were the biggest source of comedy gold. 

On one side there was:
Boyd Gaines as the young and horny Coach Roy Brackett.
Bill Hindman as seen it all but not immune old man, Coach Goodenough.
And Doug McGrath as the knowledgeable instigator Coach Fred Warren

And the other side had:
Nancy Parsons as the impassible Coach Beulah Balbricker
And Kim Cattrall as the less demure than she appeared Miss Lynn "Lassie" Honeywell

Again any joke is all about set up and reaction.

The seeds were set throughout the film by Coach Warren:

Coach Brakett: You can tell me why they call her Lassie.
Coach Warren: Just get her up in the equipment room, and you'll find out. But beware of King Kong.

And the payoff began when Miss Honeywell was pushed too far:

“Take your moral turpitude and stick up your old gazoo, Beulah!”

Once in the locker room, what could have been played as a tender moment, pleasurable fling, or fifthly spectacle rapidly becomes a hilarious disaster when the howling loud explanation of the “Lassie” nickname rises.

To endlessly repeat myself, it’s all about the reactions.

Brackett's abject panic.

Goodenough’s confusion.

And the kicker, Warren’s near aneurism causing hysteria as he tries and fails to hide behind the gym mats on the wall.

This film is also chock full of Dick Jokes, but thanks to those same gym teachers only one is worthy of the highest level George Award.

The shower scene may be what this film is most famous for, but my favorite scene from Porky’s, like my father before me, is the aftermath in Principal Carter’s office.  Principal Carter (Eric Christmas) primes the scene substantially as Beulah’s demands about identifying the offending organ she had recently grabbed through a hole in the wall by insisting they refer to it as a “Tallywhacker.”

But it’s Coach Bracket’s solution, which knocks the already laughing Coach Warren out of his chair, and reduces the (until then holding it together) more mature Coach Goodenough and Principal Carter to incoherent hysterics.

“Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this.
We, uh, call the police,
and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists.
And Miss Balbricker can give a description.
We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school...
"Have you seen this prick?
Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker.
Do not attempt to apprehend this prick,
as it is armed and dangerous.
It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room
at Angel Beach High School."

I wasn't kidding, Dad fell out of his chair just like the Coach did.  His humor has been well documented.

That’s all for the lists folks, thanks for tuning in to this year’s George Awards.

Readers who’ve been here for all four of these classless comedic excursions must have realized long before now that a glaringly giant omission was made from these two lists.

Don’t worry, Mel Brooks’s Special Recognition for the use of Dick Jokes and Funny Sex Scenes in ALL his films will be coming shortly.  (Click here.)

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