This post contains
bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your
spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace
without honor.”
This is not a post
for children. Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a
post for those adults who are offended by this type of language. Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my
cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything
else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.
The
Fourth Edition of the George Awards continues here with the upper half of the
funny sex scenes list.
Much
like this year’s Dick Jokes list, the cream of the crop (sorry) many times has
more to do with reactions than the actual event.
Fifth
Place is further representation of the Eighties on these lists. It was an
outstanding decade for the George Awards.
I’m not sure why, perhaps it was the same massive expansion of cable
networks that meant a PG rating insured one random, unnecessary boob exposure
per PG film…or should that be, “two random…?”
Anyway,
our old friend director John Landis is back for an award along with yet another
of my favorite horror comedies, 1981’s American Werewolf in London. While
the actual love scene in the film was both tender and passionate, the use of
Landis’s trademark “film in a film” See
You Next Wednesday was anything but.
Susan
Spence as Georgia Bailey, Dave Cooper as Chris Bailey, Lucien Morgan and Lance
Boyle (*snicker*) and
Linzi
Drew as Brenda Bristols (*bwa ha ha!*) delivered an award winning scene on
their own. But it’s the reactions of David
Naughton as tragic monster David Kessler and Griffin Dunne as happy go lucky
corpse Jack Goodman that brings it home.
The
film isn’t real clear about who’s who in See
You Next Wednesday, so I’ll stick with generics.
“What are you doing
'ere? You promised never to do this kind of thing again!”
Surprised Man in Bed
–
“I never promised you
any such thing.”
Enraged Man at Door –
“Not you, you twit.
Her.”
Woman in Bed Doing Naughty
Things with Surprised Man in Bed –
“I've never seen you
before in my life.”
*comedic pause*
Suddenly Confused Man
at Door-
“Oh, sorry.”
David- “Gooood movie.”
Jack – “mm Hmm.”
Now it’s time to stay in the comedy horror genre, but modernize the list a little with a 2012 remake of a 1966 television classic: Dark Shadows. In addition, it’s time to bring Tim Burton back to the George Awards for the first time since Beetlejuice commented on Adam’s model way back in the first edition.
Vampire
Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) and Witch Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green)
participate in some hysterical apartment destructing nookie, showcasing the
dangers of combining unbridled passion with super strength and invulnerability.
Barnabas punctuates the event nicely with the bleedin’ obvious.
With
both John Cleese, and Kevin Kline participating, A Fish Called Wanda (1988) is a shoe in for multiple George Awards. In fact, Kline earned not only my stupid awards, but a fucking Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his genius level moronity. It earns the Third Place on this
list for a perfectly constructed comparison. Cleese’s Archie Leach preparing
for a loveless and separate bedtime with his wife Wendy (Maria Aitken)
was
intercut with Kline’s Otto West and his insane attempts at romance leading to
passion with Wanda Gershwitz (Jamie Lee Curtis).
Curtis being able to play the
scene at all without collapsing into hysterics shows her abilities as an actor,
while her interplay with both men highlighted her comedic ability, which also
showed up in True Lies and Trading Places. In all three cases, her
beauty and humor were never sacrificed at each other’s expense.
Otto
also deserves mention on this year’s Dick Joke list for the near infinite
variety and timing of Kline’s deliveries of the running gag:
and he’s dead!”
One
final modern entry in the Number Two spot before we bring it home with the
Eighties. Realizing how well Scott
Snyder adapted the famous graphic novel Watchmen
to the screen in 2009, makes me angry all over again that he was unable to
make the same connection to DC’s two premier superheroes. While he made the symbol of hope dark and
depressing in Man of Steel, he
rendered the beloved misfits and failures of Watchmen as more likable and competent than their four color
counterparts.
In
the movie, the heroes are shown to be excellent at fighting low level crime,
and the point was that the bigger picture issues eluded them. However the
comic, even their “street crime fighting” abilities are questionable.
e.g. Rorschach displayed actual detective
abilities on screen, where in the book; he randomly beats people up and only
learns something by accident.
Sorry,
long geeky off topic there. Back to the list at hand, and the famous sex scene
in the Owlship between Dan Dreiberg -Nite Owl II (Patrick Wilson) and Laurie
Juspeczyk- Silk Spectre II (Malin Åkerman).
In the comic, it’s implied Dan is unable to perform with her earlier on
the couch because wearing the costume is what turns him on. The film has a more impressive and competent
Nite Owl.
Ta
da! What can I say, I like the guy.
And
it is the idea is that he was actually doing good fighting crime as a
superhero, and being prevented from that makes him feel useless and
impotent. Being able to save lives again
is what gives him his mojo back, not the goofy suit.
However,
superheroes knocking thematically accessorized boots in a flying bird ship is going to be ridiculous no
matter how artistically it’s shot, or how much it drives and develops the
characters. Therefore Scott Snyder
INSISTED on underscoring the airborne tryst with “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen
insuring the audience would not only feel comfortable laughing, but be forced
too. The fact that it also forces me to
laugh at any serious occasion the song is played, and laugh more often in
church, which was already a problem, is bonus points for Mr. Snyder.
As
we reach the top spot on the last top ten George Awards list of this year, I’ll
remind everyone that one of the main criteria of these is the surprising or
unexpected use of these words or events.
I
do this to allow all the readers a chance to decide I’m completely full of shit
when I announce that 1982’s Porky’s takes
the top spot.
The
first day we got cable, Porky’s was
on.
I
haven’t stopped watching television since.
Granted,
seeing Webster’s Mom (Susan Clark) as hooker Cherry Forever commenting on Meat (Tony Gainos),
“That boy is deformed,” probably did untold psychological damage.
This
film was universally reviled by critics and looked down upon as ushering in a
generation of low brow, exploitative, sex -so called- comedies.
Which
it did.
However,
here’s the big difference between Porky’s and most of what
followed it.
Porky’s was funny.
Sure
the jokes were dirty, stupid, and lowest common denominator material.
But the set ups and executions were well done, and the
punch lines had fantastic pay offs. As with
many other high ranking spots on these lists, it comes down to reactions that
win the prize.
The
gym teachers were the biggest source of comedy gold.
On
one side there was:
Boyd Gaines as the young and horny Coach
Roy Brackett.
Bill Hindman as seen it all but not
immune old man, Coach Goodenough.
And Doug McGrath as the knowledgeable
instigator Coach Fred Warren
And
the other side had:
Nancy Parsons as the impassible Coach
Beulah Balbricker
And Kim Cattrall as the less demure
than she appeared Miss Lynn "Lassie" Honeywell
Again any joke is all about set up and
reaction.
The seeds were set throughout the film
by Coach Warren:
Coach Warren: Just
get her up in the equipment room, and you'll find out. But beware of King Kong.
And
the payoff began when Miss Honeywell was pushed too far:
Once
in the locker room, what could have been played as a tender moment, pleasurable
fling, or fifthly spectacle rapidly becomes a hilarious disaster when the
howling loud explanation of the “Lassie” nickname rises.
To
endlessly repeat myself, it’s all about the reactions.
Brackett's
abject panic.
Goodenough’s
confusion.
And
the kicker, Warren’s near aneurism causing hysteria as he tries and fails to
hide behind the gym mats on the wall.
This film is also chock full of Dick
Jokes, but thanks to those same gym teachers only one is worthy of the highest
level George Award.
The shower scene may be what this film
is most famous for, but my favorite scene from Porky’s, like my father before me, is the aftermath in Principal Carter’s office. Principal Carter (Eric Christmas) primes the
scene substantially as Beulah’s demands about identifying the offending organ
she had recently grabbed through a hole in the wall by insisting they refer to
it as a “Tallywhacker.”
But it’s Coach Bracket’s solution,
which knocks the already laughing Coach Warren out of his chair, and reduces
the (until then holding it together) more mature Coach Goodenough and Principal
Carter to incoherent hysterics.
“Mr. Carter, I think
I have a way out of this.
We, uh, call the
police,
and we have 'em send
over one of their sketch artists.
And Miss Balbricker
can give a description.
We can put up
"Wanted" posters all over school...
"Have you seen
this prick?
Report immediately to
Beulah Balbricker.
Do not attempt to
apprehend this prick,
as it is armed and
dangerous.
It was last seen
hanging out in the girls' locker room
at Angel Beach High
School."
I wasn't kidding, Dad fell out of his chair just like the Coach did. His humor has been well documented.
That’s all for the lists folks, thanks for tuning in to this year’s George Awards.
That’s all for the lists folks, thanks for tuning in to this year’s George Awards.
Readers who’ve been here for all four
of these classless comedic excursions must have realized long before now that a
glaringly giant omission was made from these two lists.
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