This
post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that
“will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God
help us, peace without honor.”
This
is not a post for children. Kids, take a
hike.
This
is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of
language. Do yourself a favor, and go
read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just
about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
And
Spoilers too, big ones! Really, go read
something else.
End
of Warning.
First of all, everyone
relax. I didn’t let someone in middle school see this film. Geeze, give me a little credit. As promised, I bought this the day it came
out. The “Kid’s Eyes” here relate to if
I had seen this thing as a more impressionable seventeen or eighteen year old,
there’s a good chance it would have ended up my favorite film of evenness.
It is difficult to
describe in the context of other movies in this genre.
It has the same amount
of mature content in a significantly shorter running time than Watchmen.
However, it is hysterically funny.
A better comparison is:
“What if Freakazoid had
extreme violence, constant profanity, and gratuitous nudity and sex?”
A brief pause for all
the geeks who grew up in the mid-nineties to say “Fuck YEAH!” and I can
continue.
The amazing part of this
film was its duality. Mixed in with the
low brow gags are some excessively clever self-referential satirical bits and fourth wall breaks making fun of Ryan Reynolds himself, two previous super hero attempts of his, and this film's budget. The fact that they turned a budget issue preventing them from having massive shoot outs into a running gag and two awesome hand to hand battles shows the caliber of film maker here.
If it isn’t the most
violent movie I’ve ever seen…it’s in the top two.
But a majority of that
violence is highly cartoony and goofy.
OK, maybe it would be a
far bloodier and dismemberyer type of cartoon than most people are used to, but
the point is it’s generally fun and silly.
He decapitates one guard
and then soccer kicks his head to knock out another one for crying out loud.
Hell, Death by
Zamboni! I rest my case.
The profanity is free flowing,
constant and creative. This movie could
easily place in the top five in every category of George Award multiple times,
plus win a few special ones.
It is also the best
representation in cinema of someone stringing swear words together into a complex
tapestry as they get more frustrated which matches my own constructions.
Leslie Uggams as Blind
Al, Wade’s roommate who puts up with none of his shit hands out a wonderfully
exhausted, “Fuck you,” in the arming scene.
While Deadpool’s own,
“Time to make the chimi-fuckin’-changas!” deserves a special George Award for…oh I don’t know…Mexican food profanity or
something.
And really, when
introduced to someone named “Teenage Negasonic Warhead” there really is no
other reaction than Wades:
“Teenage Negasonic WHAT
THE SHIT!?!?!? That’s like the coolest
name ever!”
There’s a severed hand
flipping the bird, and a fart punctuated by Deadpool saying. “Hashtag-driveby.”
And we can’t forget this
little gem addressed to the best and most comic book accurate rendition of
Colossus ever (who made a fantastic straight man in both the comedic and square jawed superhero sense) to grace the silver
screen:
"If I ever decide
to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other
little whiners at Neverland Mansion with some creepy... old... bald... Heaven’s
Gate-looking motherfucker… on that day, I’ll send your shiny, happy ass a
friend request."
You’d think with so much
profanity, it wouldn’t need to make its own words up…but it does!
Both of them are (possibly
uncoincidentally) testicle references.
When Deadpool poses the
question, “Whose balls did I have to fondle” to get a movie, and answers with
“it rhymes with Polverine.” He then goes
on to refer to Mr. Jackman’s naughty bits as “Smooth criminals down under,”
complete with accent.
Later on when Vanessa
grabs “fat Gandalf” by his unmentionables, Wade’s answer had me nearly pitch
off the treadmill the first time I heard it:
“Hey!!! Hakuna his
ta-tas!”
Yet, somehow, between (and,
yes during) all of the immature potty mouth stuff there is true communication
and bonding between characters.
The scene from the
trailer where Weasel compares Wades face to avocado sex…
Which goes WAY further
than the censored trailer allows…
Ends up transitioning to
a scene that’s far more about their friendship than gross guacamole ingredient
porn.
And T.J. Miller adds a
second superhero one to his list of franchises his ad-libbing has
improved. Kids who met him as Fred in Big Hero Six have a place to graduate to now.
Wade’s relationship with
Blind Al is equally touching, and insult driven. But that’s kinda how
friendship works some times.
Then there’s the love
story between Wade and Vanessa. The ads
weren’t kidding, under all the violence, mayhem, profane insults and the raunchy
sex montage is a truly sweet, well developed, and touching romance about a
couple dealing with the effects of a terminal illness.
Except that the illness
isn’t really terminal because this is a comic book film, not a Hallmark Channel
special.
On the flip side of
that, the raunchy sex scene is also one of the sweetest, funniest, and
endearing parts of their relationship.
Yeah, it’s weird but it
works. Somehow Vanessa’s acceptance of
Wade’s new appearance sounds romantic, loving and cute…even though the words
she uses aren’t:
“After a brief
adjustment period, and a couple of drinks, it’s a face… I’d be happy to sit on.”
Ryan Reynolds and Morena Baccarin maintain an air of childlike innocence around their ultraviolent, foul
mouthed, hordndog characters and…um…
So, anyway...
I forget where I was
going…
The next George Awards
will likely be Dick Jokes and Funny Sex Scenes.
Expect to hear about this film again.
Till then:
This movie is awesome;
DON’T GRAB THE KIDS BY ANY MEANS, UNLESS ITS TO DROP THEM OFF ELSEWHERE!
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