A non-standard Christmas Letter
Not your Daddy's Christmas Village
After several years of typical World War Two battles waged while patriotic and brave U.S. green plastic army men defended Santa Claus from Fascist oppressors, I upgraded.
A personal note to other G.I. Joe fans: (The rest of you may talk among yourselves.)
This was done well before I discovered the awesomeness in a can of the Marvel G.I. Joe comic series and had to base everything on the lack luster Spy Troops line and my decrepit memories of the cartoon series.
Ok the rest of you can come back for the story now.
Destro and the Baroness have brought their newly designed U.L.G. to Cobra Commander at the secret meeting cabin. Suddenly, the attack begins and the Uncomfortably Large Gun is immediately field tested when a member of the Crimson Guard (or as close as I could get with Spy Troops) starts firing it out the window. As the battle progresses, Storm Shadow leaves the commander's side and follows his super-secret magic ninja tingly sense up to the roof.
Around the front, we see that the first strike team has reached the cabin. Quick Kick (or as close as I could get with Spy Troops) has taken out one of Destro's Iron Grenadiers while Shipwreck prepares to open fire through the window. Duke leads the assault through the front door. He is able to do this, because Snake Eyes has made it undetected to the roof, and gotten the drop on the Crimson Guardsman (with the U.L.G.). However, his old nemesis, Storm Shadow has confronted him, which will lead to the inevitable rooftop, blurred-action, ninja battle.
The assault was made possible, not by a grant from Johnson and Johnson, but by a hail of suppressing fire laid down by Gung Ho and Roadblock (or as close as I could get with Spy Troops), played in this village by Mac and Blain from Predator (Don't the Hasbro people even look at the cartoon anymore?) This hailstorm of bullets has cleared the way for Duke and the gang by taking out the Battle Android Trooper, and another standard poor slob Cobra soldier (Translation: I couldn’t get the little buggers to stand up, and there was nowhere left to lean them.). As Beachhead signals to follow the main assault, Scarlett notices that all is not as it should be at the command bunker (bum bum BUUUUUUUUM!!!).
Flint and Lady Jaye are coordinating the operation from the command bunker (and probably picking out dinnerware too). They are surprised by a flanking ambush (That sounds dirty, but it’s not.) by two of Cobra's masters of sneaking up behindness, Zartan and Firefly.
So the Joes will likely win the day, and learn the secrets of the U.LG. However, as Scarlett leads the rearward assault to protect the bunker, and the two ninja's play footsie on the roof, the Baroness, Destro and the Commander will slip away in the confusion to plot another day ...COOOO-BRAAAAA!!!!
What does this have to do with Christmas? Nothing really, my original idea was to have the Joes defending the Nativity against a Cobra assault, but thankfully I am married to someone much saner than I. (Who is also very patient with these goofy ideas, thanks honey!) She fortunately vetoed any blasphemy under the tree. Oh, and a big thank you to my then infant daughter for not trying too hard to eat the village.
Don’t worry readers…they got better later on.
Ho Ho Ho…YO JOE!!!!