Warring in a Winter Wonderland
Or
Remember, Snowing … Is Half the Battle
Additions: A couple of figures, Lincoln Logs replaced by an influx of Hess Trucks…and the exciting seasonal update of SNOW!
When this time of year rolls around, what drives me to set these up?
Is it the creativity inherent in the season?
The chaos in the shopping centers?
The excuse to display more action figures that there is normally not enough room to be displayed year round? (Thanx, Honey!)
We may never know.
In any event, the Cobra civil war issues of last year have been resolved and they are holding yet another secret meeting atop yet another isolated plateau, while the Joe’s mount yet another climbing assault. The battle takes place in the snow capped, “Couldn’t Find the Second Table in the Attic” mountain range.
The primary purpose of the meeting (aside from swapping tips on how to drink egg nog through a metal full face mask) is Destro’s delivery of a new cache of weapons. Zartan agreed to transport Croc Master to the snow covered locale from the bayou and has recently arrived. He’s propped against, I mean checking the truck’s engine, while the Dreadnoks take a well earned rest after sharing an open topped ride for several hundred miles with a large carnivorous reptile. Croc Master is here, of course, to have his prized pet outfitted for Arctic Combat (“Because we all know one of the main factors of war is surprise,” – Eddie Izzard)
Croc Master is heading toward a sword edged squabble between the cobra ninjas. Storm Shadow has apparently learned of Firefly’s role framing him for killing his mentor/uncle…or maybe he was just reminded of it…or maybe he’s a good guy again this week, it’s really hard to keep up. Storm Shadow would never use a gun, so he has none, you’ll notice (Stephen Sommers didn’t. Not that I’m bitter about any of the movie continuity changes. Larry Hama only wrote every stinkin’ issue of G.I Joe for twelve years and all the file cards…what does he know? ) Note: the fact that there are so many figures sitting, lying down or kneeling this year has nothing to do with the inability to find the bag with a majority of the stands in it, it was just a creative decision (*whistling nonchalantly*).
Between the vehicles, the Baroness is about to mercilessly execute a greenshirt prisoner, captured by the nearby Iron Grenadier. This is not because of nanomites, nanobites, nanu-nanus, or any other mind control devices. It is because she is an intelligent, self sufficient, highly ranked officer of a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. (Not that I’m bitter about any of the movie continuity changes or anything.)
Watched over by two of the elite Crimson Guard, Cobra Commander and Destro meet to discuss the new technology. The Guard’s twin commanders at the tailgate are busy checking out the two new Battle Android Troopers…or maybe one B.A.T. and a Terminator; or whatever that other one is. Man, they made some ugly figures in that “Spy Troops” line didn’t they? Like the nearby Cobra CLAW, who is unloading the Uncomfortably Large (and silly looking) Gun, which would probably strike fear into the Joes, if he can, in fact, get it out of the truck without a double hernia. Serpentor stands atop the delivery truck issuing field commands …
Or giving a speech …
Or posing for a photo shoot in Evil Reincarnated Composite Despots Monthly.
Either way, he looks nifty up there, doesn’t he?
The main piece of hardware from this delivery is currently being outfitted with various rocket launchers by a Snow Serpent and Scrap Iron.
It is, of course, the dreaded Combat Snow Plow (mostly because there were no G.I. Joe Vehicle clearance sales this year). The C.S.P is destined to give Cobra the upper hand in their surprisingly frequent arctic battles with G. I. Joe…such as the one just sighted by the Crimson Guardsmen.
The Joes have established a landing point on the plateau. Major Bludd and a Cobra officer lean on the delivery truck to coordinate the Viper’s crawling attack (creative decision). The first Cobra casualty lying in the snow is a completely mis-equipped Desert Trooper. Some smart aleck switched his foot lockers, poor guy. In the back Wild Weasel, top cobra pilot, can be seen adjusting the Trubble Bubble’s engines for winter combat. (Again, no clearance sales.) The Bubble is guarded by a Cobra Anti-Armor Trooper, wielding an RPG, and a small knife. (Cue Sinatra’s “All or Nothing at All”)
The Joe beachhead was landed by helicopter. Beachhead (naturally) and Shipwreck lay down cover fire as Bombstrike spots for the artillery, using the copter for cover. (And not just to hold them up, really it’s a creative decision.) Duke is leading Snow Job (Really…Snow Job.) on an assault to capture the C.S.P. Duke is carrying the U.S. Flag into battle for two reasons:
A) So he can say, “Do you have a flag?” as the second of three Eddie Izzard references, and
B) To remind everyone that G.I. Joe is “the code name for America’s highly trained special mission force,” and not an international group of bad accents led by the Tuck Pendleton Machine, Zero Defects. (OK, maybe I’m a little bitter about the movie continuity changes.)
The newly established base is guarded by Mutt and Junkyard. They are the perfect guards as it is common knowledge that all members of ruthless terrorist organizations are afraid of dogs. Wild Bill is frantically demanding Lady Jaye call for support in order to get his helicopter out of there before it’s either damaged in the crossfire, or shrinks out of existence. (Really could have used a clearance sale this year.) Lady Jaye is relaying the information down to the base camp. She can do this because she isn’t dead, regardless of what the Devil's Due comic book said. I know she isn’t dead because she hasn’t had her daughter with Flint yet, and I saw their daughter in the Transformers episodes that take place in the future, which were set in 2006…
I think I’m going to go lay down for a while before continuing. Take five everyone, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
Ah, that’s better. On to the Joe base camp.
Barbeque has graciously lent his fire truck for the assault. (Technically, my daughter has lent her fire truck, thanx kiddo!) Due to an avalanche, and the large fake fichus in the corner, a flanking maneuver is not feasible. Therefore the Joes are reinforcing the beachhead directly. Stalker coordinates the ascent as Quick Kick Predator’s Billy, Snake Eyes, Scarlet and Jinx climb the ladder. Each member of this team was chosen for their commando skills, ninja training, and especially their ability to be hung on the ladder without falling off. On top of the fire truck is a large lizard.
Why?
Your guess is as good as mine so we’ll ignore it.
Spirit waits below to take the rear guard position, or for the “Keep America Beautiful” film crew, or possibly for the rest of the Village People.
Speaking of the Village People: Gung Ho is with Bazooka by Cover Girl’s Wolverine missile tank (mistletoe … missile tank … close enough to make it a Christmas display.) Flint conveys the information from above to get the artillery barrage to target the Cobra vehicles without blowing up the couch. Nearby the heavy machine gunners, Rock ‘n Roll, Heavy Duty and Roadblock, sit (yet another creative decision) patiently awaiting the next air transport.
Skystriker pilot Ace is once again prepping the helicopter landing zone. (Stupid no clearance sales.) Clutch sits ready for airlift into combat on the R.A.M. (Although he could probably point the Vulcan cannon into the ground and blow himself up there…I’m just sayin’.) Next to the command cab, Breaker is transmitting all communications for the field commander, General Hawk. Hawk stands proudly atop his command vehicle; issuing orders while waving his pistol around, as all U.S. Army generals do (I know it is true, I have seen it in movies).
Well, that’s the third Izzard reference, so I guess I’m done. Merry Christmas, see you next year!
Bonus Shot: top view of the whole plateau
“Pay no attention to the curtain behind the men!”
Yo Joe!
Or is that Yoe Joe? Shouldn’t those two be spelled the same?
Maybe it’s time to lie down again?
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