This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”
This is not a post for children. Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language. Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
End of Warning.
Welcome back to the final ranked entries in the first ever George Awards. We had several quality ones last week, but now it’s time for the really good shit.
Two probably sorely underrepresented films tie for number 5. I’m sure if I went hunting, I’d find many more George Award worthy lines in 2000’s The Replacements. However, these awards are for profanity that is entertaining, quotable, properly used, and highly memorable without cheating by doing an internet search. Jack Warden’s exasperated cry of a literal use, as team owner Edward O’Neil, meets all of these categories, and also aptly describes many a project team meeting it has been far from my pleasure to attend:
“I’ve seen monkey shit fights at the zoo that were more organized than this”
Also at this level is a figurative use accusingly spat out by Steve Buscemi in 1995’s Desperado. “The American” hiding in a confessional provided the precisely perfect answer to (Antonio Banderas) El Mariachi’s admission,
“Bless me father for I have sinned, I have just killed quite a few men.”
The George Award for 4th place is the highest achievement for a single use of the word “shit” and another victory for Bruce Campbell, once more as Ash in 1992’s Army of Darkness. Evil Dead 2 may be the most awesome film in cinematic history, and far gorier, but its sequel contains more instances of entertaining profanity. The winning line also happens to be one of my Mother’s favorite movie quotes in history, which should give more indication about my family life growing up than anyone needs. Ash was not impressed with Eric the Red’s introduction and titles:
“Well hello Mister Fancypants.
I've got news for you pal,
you ain't leadin' but two things, right now:
Jack and shit...
and Jack left town.”
A triple score gets the nod for 3rd. It’s the Zucker/Abrams classic Airplane from 1980. My Grandmother took me to the Denville Theater to see a double feature of this film with Meatballs when I was ten. More evidence that my family tutelage in profanitese began at an early age.
You have to respect accuracy in parody, the real LA airport announcers (married to each other) were used for the background argument that led to”
“Listen, Betty, don't start up with your ‘white zone’ shit again.”
Robert Hays as Ted Striker got off the lead in to a truly spectacular visual gag:
“When Kramer hears about this, the shit's going to hit the fan!”
Finally, the exceptionally award worthy, based on all of my half assed critera - The Jive Lady putting some powerful finality to the end of a conversation, and played by none other than June Cleaver herself, Barbara Billingsly…Golly!
“Jive-ass dude don't got no brains anyhow!
There’s another tie for 2nd place, mostly because I decided my favorite swear needed more air time.
Also, somehow, my twisted sense of humor finds it amusingly appropriate that we have two films, with two uses, in the Number 2 spot.
(Hey, you said number two Butthead, heh heh heh heh.)
The first of the penultimate Georges has award worthy uses of “shit” in both the literal and figurative senses and goes to a Speilberg Summer Event.
This film in question, 1993’s Jurassic Park is one more thrilling example of how finely tuned foul language is appropriate in a family movie.
Jeff Goldblum wins another George as Doctor Ian Malcolm, this time using his witty and dry delivery for a literal, and excessively accurate assessment:
“That is one big pile of shit.”
The second one, a pure exclamation was done similarly by Shia LeBouf in Transformers. However, Dr. Ellie Sattler (played by Laura Dern) crafted its release using the proper timbre, emotion and enunciation. When one is driving through a jungle during a monsoon being chased by an enraged Tyrannosaurus Rex, her choice of scream material was one hundred percent proper and grammatically correct English for the situation:
The other 2nd place George goes to a movie that should probably be popping up all over these lists. Diggstown (aka Midnight Sting) is a brilliant 1992 scam story, filled with myriad levels of cons and counter-cons. It is also my favoriteboxing movie of all time.
One great moment was Honey Roy Palmer’s (Lou Gosset Jr.) assessment of Gabriel Cain (James Woods, in what I believe was the template for his role in Dinsey’s Hercules) and his attempt: “I'm trying to inspire you. It's a Roots kinda thing. It's a motivation thing.”
“Well, You’re shit at motivation.”
A line made all the better by the callback in the final scene. However, it is Oliver Platt’s stirring monologue as Fitz, just after he bamboozled the townsfolk, but well before the truly amazing bamboozling begins, that is the crowning use:
Now ain't that a bitch?
Did I ask you to shoot pool?
Or beg to play poker with you guys? Hell, no!
I told you I was gonna win!
Now you're upset because you didn't listen?
You're just a little bit full of shit on this one.”
Finally, after weeks of this shit (and other words) we have reached the Number 1 George Award in the final list.
As far as memorability, delivery and proper intonation, no other use comes close to this.
I give you eventual Senator John “Bluto” Blutarsky’s reaction to the unexpected and unplanned demise of a horse in the dean’s office:
Bluto: “Ho-ly shit!”
D-Day: “There were blanks in that gun!”
Flounder: “I didn't even point the gun at him!”
Bluto: “Ho-ly shit!”
D-Day: “There WERE blanks in that gun!!”
Flounder: “Maybe he had a heart attack!”
Bluto: “HO-LY SHIT!!!”
Come back for a few, final special mentions before the big finale.