Monday, February 13, 2012

Why Guys are Stupid

This was one of the first things I ever wrote for no informative, assigned or required reason.  I lucked out and the Star Ledger bought it based on a cold submission and it was published on this day in 1998.  This means I technically started this blog about thirteen years before it existed.  I always was a fan of “Timey-whimey.”

Note who is clever enough to be in the shelter while the others face the danger.
Course: Life in General - Final Paper

Attempts to explain male psychological behavior have been attempted for years.  But all the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Peter Paul” explanations are needlessly complex.  Male behavior all boils down to one point:


That’s all there is to it.  Everyone agrees, but no one sees that there is far more here than meets the eye. Guys are not stupid because of:

Poor education

A lack of willpower and concentration

Or even for the popularly held belief: “They just want to annoy you.”

GUYS ARE STUPID because it is one of the most important laws of nature, which organizes all levels of human society and much of the rest of the food chain as well.

The fact that GUYS ARE STUPID can be seen throughout the animal kingdom, primarily in the

“I’m bigger than you . . . ook ook ook”

mechanism, which can be seen in human society as the root of all sporting events, political campaigns, and board meetings. It can easily be seen in the animal kingdom as well.  If you see two bighorn sheep on a narrow cliff, two thousand feet up, running at full speed into each other and smashing their heads together...they’re guys, period.  Even though the females look similar, they calmly sit there and gossip about who has had horn implants while the men are using their skulls as a substitute sledge hammer to proudly state “I’m bigger than you...ook ook ook.”  An argument can be made that if they had thumbs they would be able to use a sledge hammer, but with a quick look at a group of male soccer players, or the guy in the corner of the bar crushing a beer can with his forehead, the thumb argument rapidly dissolves in a wave of male foolishness. 

This mechanism can be seen up and down the evolutionary ladder.  The incessant croaking of frogs can be loosely translated as “I’m so strong I can make this friggin’ noise all night, to impress you girl frogs safely hiding in the dark while every snake, snapping turtle, and nine year old boy with a firecracker knows exactly where I am.”   Birds do the same thing visually.  You don’t see any female peacocks wandering about the Asian jungles with feathers so long that they can’t move when it rains, and brightly colored enough that they might as well have the words “tiger food” tattooed on their butt.  Even chimpanzees, human’s closest relatives, (less than two percent difference in the DNA, even closer for some paparazzi) display this.  Jane Goodall describes male chimps doing a loud and involved rain dance, where they scream, yell (ook ook ook), break things, and generally act like drunken frat boys.  The females tend to move the children out of the way hide under trees and say, “Yes are sooooo manly.”   Goodall had no conclusive explanation in the whole chapter.  However, “GUYS ARE STUPID” sums it up nicely.

In order to see how GUYS ARE STUPID remained useful in human society, we must now look at another mechanism.  Because GUYS ARE STUPID, the

“I bet you can’t”

mechanism became very important for the species.  When the first Monday morning meeting was held by the cave dwellers, the first order of business (after the previous weeks accomplishments: invented mastodon colored paint, test marketed conversation, defined good and bad end of spear...etc.) was to decide who would hunt and who would gather.  Obviously the job of digging for roots and pulling fruit off trees was highly sought after.  Then one of the women said,

“I bet you men can’t kill one of those big dangerous animals that could eat your face, anyway.” 

And off on a dare, hunting began.  Most foods probably wouldn’t have been discovered if it wasn’t for this aspect of male stupidity. 

“Og, Me dare you eat giant bug that crawl out of ocean.”

Viola! the first lobster dinner. 

Another evolutionary sound reason for GUYS ARE STUPID is: Cave guy and Mrs. Cave guy are walking along when Elmer the saber tooth tiger leaps at them.  An intelligent man would be gone before Elmer lets out his first snarl.  But Mrs. Cave Guy uses the “I bet you can’t” mechanism, enticing cave guy to pit his opposable thumbs and erect gait against a quarter ton of slashing death.  She then sprints off as her ex becomes a prehistoric can of Meow Mix to seek yet another evolutionarily helpful defender.

Even though modern society would appear to have no reason to maintain the inputs for the GUYS ARE STUPID theory, it still exists in the animal part of the brain of both men and women.  In any museum in the world you will see the following scene:

An attractive woman is intelligently reading one of the displays.  Suddenly a knuckle dragging Neanderthal will wander up and flip an arm over her shoulder and say THE STUPIDEST THING possible, misidentifying the object on display, its uses or objectives, and often its planet of origin. 

She will then giggle sweetly, and lovingly explain that he is a complete moron without upsetting him.

The reason that GUYS ARE still STUPID is the most powerful of all the mechanisms: 

The “Duh...OK” mechanism. 

When confronted with a woman the instant instinctive guy response to any question is “duh...ok.” This is also the oldest mechanism, tracing back to insect species:

Female Mantis-“You can mate with me, but then I tear your head off and eat you.” 

Male Mantis- “Duh...OK.”  

Today the entire fields of marketing, sales, and advertising are based on this simple fact.

Ad- “Do you want to buy this overpriced useless piece of garbage?”  

Man- “Of course not it insults my intelligence.”

Ad-“Look at this picture of a bikini model that has nothing to do with our product. 
NOW do you want to buy this overpriced useless piece of garbage?”


The mechanisms of:

“I’m bigger than you...ook ook ook”

“I bet you can’t”



are responsible for the stability of the global economy, the rise of human civilization, and the continuing existence of the Circle of Life.

Annoying though it may sometimes be, it is one of the primary forces of life on earth. In conclusion:

GUYS ARE STUPID.  End of discussion.


Bruce Fieggen said...

I love it! I always knew you'd become a published writer. I just didn't realize you already were one. Congratulations.

(verification word = manesse. Seems appropriate to this post)

Jeff McGinley said...

Many many thanx. Those verification words are often reminiscent of the topic, maybe it is part of the program? (or more likely, it's the old human brain pattern recognition thing that keeps finding the face of Jesus in potato chips)