Dad's Jokes

In honor of what would have been my Dad’s upcoming birthday this weekend, and because Sandy knocked out my power, water and internet for a chunk. Here are some jokes he told at the dinner table of my youth (I fortunately had no hope for normality):

#1
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer,

The bartender says:
"We don’t serve string in here, take a hike."

So the string walks down the road to another bar, walks in and orders a beer.
And again the bartender says:
"We don’t serve string in here, take a hike."

So the string dejectedly walks down the road to another bar
(he must be in Hoboken)
This time, before he enters,
he frizzes up his hair, and twists his midsection all up.

Then he walks into the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says:
"Hey, aren’t you a string?"

And the string replies:
"Fraid Knot!"

#2

The Judge said:
“Mr. Mouse, I can’t believe that after all these years of marriage, you're claiming you want to divorce Minnie on the grounds of insanity.”

Mickey replied

“Ha Ha (Mickey squeak noise)  I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fuckin' Goofy.”

#3

I think Dad told me this joke, or something like it.
I had to fill in the details with some guess work.

Dad was famous for telling complicated jokes, and then forgetting the punch line on his way to the end.

On the other hand, when Mom referenced a joke, she’d say:
“Did I tell you the one with…”
And then detail the punch line.

Really they were a perfect couple, but you needed to talk to them in the right order.


Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf one day.
On a difficult hole, Moses drives his first shot directly into the pond.
He calmly parts the water hazard, strolls out to the center, and chips the ball into the cup for a hole in two.

Jesus hits his first shot into the same hazard. He then walks out on top of the water, and hits his ball into the cup -tying tie the hole with Moses.

Finally the old man takes his shot, directly into the same pond.

Before the ball sinks to the bottom, it is swallowed by a large mouth bass.
As the bass swims to the surface for a bug it is grabbed in an eagle's talons.
The eagle carries the bass up to its nest.
As the raptor tears apart the fish, the ball rolls free.
The golf ball is then collected by an enterprising squirrel.
The squirrel stores the ball in a different nearby tree
The tree is then struck by lightning, and falls onto the green.
The ball rolls out of the trunk, down a branch and directly into the cup.
Jesus notes the hole in one on the scorecard and says:
"Nice shot, Dad."