America's Highly Traiiiiiieeeeeeee WHAT ARE THEY?!?!!
Or
Cobra, A Ruthless TerrooooOOOOOOH IT'S PULLING ME UNDER!
With this year's preliminaries complete, lets get to the fight!
For years, the G.I. Joe “High-Speed Extra-dimensional Search Ship” has brought help from other realties into the battle for Sluttbordet Plateau. This year Cobra decided to put a stop to that practice by sending a Televiper in a Trubble Bubble to intercept that shuttle. This resulted in a disaster of epic proportions for both parties. The two airborne craft slammed into each other, crashing onto the top the the plateau. The collision deposited the Trubble Bubble onto Wild Weasel, who was tracking it's progress from the ground because I'm still too cheap to buy him a Night Adder. Along with losing a wing, the heart of the craft - the Fractally Advancing Reality Transmogrifier- burst, leaving a wide open portal to the universe inhabited by Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere. The Cobra Ninja team were quick on the scene to salvage the multiverse hopping ship, and also the first taken out by the invading interlopers. Storm Shadow and Generic Cobra Ninja 57-B are swarmed over as they try to reach the source, while Firefly is dragged underneath the vehicle.
Note- Being "dragged underneath the vehicle" is a common fate of individuals attacked by the M.U.S.C.L.E. Men... because it took a while to sink into my brain just how many there were. The first pass had only two of the miniature multi-dimensional monsters attacking each Joe or Cobra soldier.
Then I realized I still had over half the bag left and
...
accessorized.
Speaking of being dragged under a vehicle...
As members of the tiny but terrifying throng head out in all directions, Zartan finds himself dragged under his Swamp Truck. Torch, Buzzer and Ripper tried scrambling into the bed for their usual getaway drive, but that plan has been enveloped by extra encroachers. Croc Master has already been yanked, head first, off the Swamp Truck, most likely also for some under vehicular dragging.
Oh look! Señora Twinkles McFluffernutter got one!
She has saved the plum scented (for reasons it continues to not be worth going into) Zanya from the fate of the rest of the team. Maybe she will be able to execute a getaway drive after all. Over on the side, it looks like the artillery branch of Cobra is having similar problems.
The most heavily armed Cobra troops made a last ditch effort to stop another prong of the the M.U.S.C.L.E. Men's assault from reaching the Cobra Command Vehicle. They have failed miserably. The Bazooka Trooper is laid low, unable even to fire a skyward warning shot. One of the death dealing dimensional denizens is dancing on the Cobra Claw's head, after proving to be invulnerable to his Uncomfortably Large Gun. Finally, Scrap Iron's face is being introduced to his own missile launcher. Sure the Lilliputian landing-force are invulnerable, but I hope they have a good dry cleaner. The ruthless terrorist organization's armored (sure, let's go with that) Command Vehicle barely slowed the oncoming wave. The M.U.S.C.L.E. Men clambered up to take Serpentor out first, followed by them flowing down from his usual perch into the inner sanctum of Cobra. Before they knew what was happening, Cobra Commander was pinned and Cobra Officer Betram began an unpleasant forced exit, once more adding to his scars. The Twin Crimson Commanders, Xamot and Tomax were completely mobbed and stomped on as they tried to open the exit ramp to escape. (The fact that stands were not needed this year, causing me to worry even less about which of them is which than I usually do - which is not at all - was a nice bonus.)The two Crimson Guardsmen (which will doubtfully last long enough for me to worry that I have never named them) were trying to enter the Cobra Command Vehicle when they saw the chaos erupting outside. The inside of the truck offered them no respite and they were flattened by the excess of the gang that had just trod all over their leaders.
Our friend, the poor, hapless Desert Trooper continues to regret his assignment to the snow covered Sluttbordet Plateau, as he is taken out not by the unstoppable underlings from unother universe, (hope no one noticed that achingly awful alliteration alteration) but from the rear gate to his own Commander's mobile headquarters, opened in a panic by the twins without checking for clearance.
Nearby, the MARS Corporation representatives were interrupted in their refitting of the Advanced Combat Snow Plow. Destro, in vain, tried to protect his lady love, The Baroness, before being swarmed by these fearsome foes. (In spite of their villain status, this paring is a true romantic tale, because Larry Hama is awesome at writing both characters and relationships.) Battle Android Troopers had just as much luck and effect (zilch and nada respectively) on the primarily pink pedestrians from paradoxical places as their organic allies did, and were quickly piled up for whatever evil plans they have. The Iron Grenadier assigned to protect the leaders of MARS is having something unspeakable done inside his helmet that it is best not to dwell on.
The G.I. Joe Heavy Weapons team were brought up by Wild Bill to rescue the “High-Speed Extra-dimensional Search Ship” before having enough intelligence gathered to know better. Bill was immediately extricated from the cockpit and brought up to the rotors for some heinous plans no doubt. Sergeant Flash (aaaa-AAAAAHH!) and Gung Ho met the same fate as they were the first two out.
(And I swear by all the gods of action figures if Gung Ho's stupid little two piece 40mm grenade launcher falls out of his hand, off the plateau and breaks in half making it take forever to find ONE MORE TIME, he's spending the rest of his little plastic life unarmed.
Sorry about that.
Anyway...)
Roadblock and Bazooka, seeing there was no use in trying to rescue their friends, instead try to reenter the Helicopter Extraction Shipping Service aircraft …
which there is also no use in. 
Finding the Joe Heavy Weapons team devastated, Major Bludd attempted to lead a contingent of Cobra Troops to offer an alliance with the G.I. Joe team, as Cobra was also way out of it's league.
Yeah... That didn't work either.
The Cobra Snow Trooper made it the least far with his snowshoes... showing, yet again, that the amount I seriously overthink this crazy thing every year is still clearly not enough. Two Cobra Vipers (which will doubtfully last long enough for me to worry that I have never named them) were also brought down in painful ways. Major Blood himself nearly made the edge of Sluttbordet Plateau before being dropped... and his wallet being stolen, apparently. (I really need to work on positioning more.)
It hardly would have made a difference if the Major had reached the Joes. They are in no position to help anyone.
The ninjas of G.I. Joe scaled the ladder of Barbecue's Fire Truck to aid the aircraft up on the frozen mesa. Jinx, Scarlett (who was disarmed, because after thirty-seven tries to get her to hang like that, there was no way I was touching her again when that crossbow fell) and even the mighty Snake Eyes, failed to reach the top. The M.U.S.C.L.E. Men swarmed down over them, mostly pouring into the Joe camp. A sufficient striking squad remained behind to unseat the ninjas. (Naturally, not counting the buggers that kept dropping off, accompanied by clouds of profanity.) Sergeant Stalker, before he could assume his customary, cool, charging into action pose, was already ripped off the ladder by the fearsome force and is facing battering into the top of the truck. Beachhead didn't even make it that far, and is being used in the anarchic, amoral aliens wishbone game.
Oh look! The inexplicably appearing large monitor lizard got one!
Flint and Lady Jaye, hoping to coordinate some kind of defense are instead other "being dragged" victims as they are pulled into the fire truck. Or maybe they're being pulled out of it. Motion is so hard to convey. Lets leave it as they're being dragged somewhere, it is very unpleasant for them, and move on. With the plethora of weapons fire bouncing off the M.U.S.C.L.E. Men, it's not looking good for Barbecue and his fire ax, is it?
Hopping off of the fire truck, the Joe's Combat Snow Plow presented itself as the first available target for the dinky but deadly death dealers. The invasion took it over immediately and have used it against the man who put all of his time and effort into running and maintaining it-
Snow Job. (Yes... Snow Job).
As with their assault on the Cobra forces, these prongs of the invasion against the Joes are in every direction. Before a single launch could be aimed or initiated, the Wolverine Missile Tank was inundated and dismantled. This was due to their speed and ferocity and has nothing to do with the fact that the tread has been re-glued so many times it refuses to stay on. Cover Girl and (her stand-in until a lucky eBay find) Bombstrike are both being hoisted off of the vehicle, likely to be dragged under it if I know the insidious M.U.S.C.L.E. Men. Shipwreck has completely failed at protecting the launchers, the crew... and everything really.
Sometimes, looking really cool isn't enough.
With the horde hording across the entire area, almost all the vehicles and troops have met the same fate. Clutch (who is clearly not an extra Breaker figure with Sharpie stubble) joins the "dragged" as he is hauled off of the RAM Cycle while the group of its grabbers have a joy ride. Several of the bitty beasties have begun pounding on Ace while their brethren scale towards taking over the Hiss Elimination Sky Striker. Others stop Grunt from using his always mentioned Mechanical Engineering skills to engage the self destruct system. A few more stand around celebrating victory. (Because there really was an OBSCENE amount of the tiny terrors in the bag.) The G.I. Joe leader, General Hawk, is trussed up on the hood of the G.I. Joe Command Truck as a prize. More of the malevolent marauders have stopped (the real) Breaker from any rescue attempt. Duke considered using his jetpack to fly off and protect the flag. However, being a true, Real American Hero, he decided the lives of his squad were more important than any piece of fabric, and leapt in to save them.
Mutt and Spirit still were overwhelmed...
as was Duke,
alas.
At least the field leader got some of them.
Oh look! Junkyard and Freedom each got one too!
There is one bright spot. The incalculable, indestructible, interdimensional and icky M.U.S.C.L.E. Men have not reached the most distant part of the G.I. Joe camp from the Sluttbordet Plateau access point. There, mounting the launch vehicle for the “High-Speed Extra-dimensional Search Ship” is what could have been the team's last line of defense. However, Billy, Mac and Blaine from Predator (to continue a joke only I find amusing) have had more than enough experience as a Special Forces team facing ONE vastly superior alien warrior. Therefore as soon as Scuba Steve gets that truck started, they are outta there!
Will the fact that animals fared far better against the M.U.S.C.L.E. Men than people and technology play a role in their ultimate defeat?
Did I choose this theme because it meant I didn't need to struggle to get a single G.I. Joe or Cobra figure onto a stand or to stay upright, and fallen M.U.S.C.L.E. figures only added to the desired, choatic appearance?
Will I EVER find all of the diminutive dudes that fell off the back and sides of the end table to a torrent of swearing while I was setting this thing up?
Tune in next year and find out.
Thanx, as always, are due to my wife and daughter for allowing (and in fact encouraging) this foolish behavior on my part.
Excessive thanks are due to Doctor Miller, my dentist (retired), reader (long time) and friend (current) who decided, as he down sized his home, that a bunch of cool stuff, including this year's extra-dimensional invaders of Sluttbordet Plateau, would be happier in my collection.
Now everyone knows where they came from.
And knowing...
Is half the baaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH IT'S GOT MY LEG!!!!!!!!!.
Merry Everything Everyone!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment