Welcome…to Cobra Park
A Real America’s Biggest Hero
Time again for another Christmas Carnage Classic.
I consulted with the Design Advisor (my daughter) who suggested that the Joes and Cobras should be friends and all hug each other. She actually used something similar for the first idea for her set up, A DC/Marvel mixer dance, before changing her mind and constructing the Monster High Winter Carnival and Car Show.
With her advice reduced to which HESS trucks were left for my undertaking, I suggested the following idea, which she proclaimed as, “COOL!”
Following last year’s skirmish, the Cobra forces and their allies were kicked off the annually contested plateau. Surprisingly, the ruthless terrorist organization doesn’t seem to be engaging in any overt activities to retake it at the moment.
Major Bludd has been sent to inform Zartan and the Dreadnoks, currently napping in their Swamp Truck with Croc Master, to head out on a completely separate and distant mission. The task is in a much drier and sandier area which is why its details are being presented by a Desert Viper to Zartan’s daughter Zanya…
Yes, Zanya does happen to smell like some variety of purple fruit. For a full explanation of that, please see the Design Advisor.
Cobra heavy weapons and munitions specialists (A Snow Serpent, An Anti-Tank Trooper, Scrap Iron and A BATT, for those nerdly enough to care, but not nerdly enough to know already…there’s a tiny Venn diagram) are busying themselves performing maintenance on the ever goofawesome Trubble Bubble, the Combat Snow Plow and a new Mini-HISS Tank. Once again, see the Design Advisor for full details on why the Mini-HISS is now white instead of red.
Someone or something has tossed Barbecue’s fire truck off of the plateau above. The Baroness, Destro, an Iron Grenadier and Alexander (hiding his Spy Troop lameness in the trunk) are investigating the wreckage in an attempt to obtain new classified government secrets concerning the construction and armaments of Combat Ready Rescue Vehicles. Cobra Commander has sent members of his personal Crimson Guard and their twin leaders to keep an eye on Destro’s diabolical, daring doings. What force could have casually tossed one of the main fixtures of this yearly struggle off a cliff will have to remain a mystery for a short while longer.
The answer to that mystery lies in the hands of Cobra Commander and one of his chief officers. Nearby Firefly, Storm Shadow and Slice make “My blade is longer than yours” jokes, and Serpentor gives a motivational speech to the mystery lizard. Meanwhile, Two Vipers stand guard (or, in fact, lean guard) while Wild Weasel helps the other evil leaders with the telemetry on the remote controls for the technology developed from remnants left behind by Cobra Commander’s former Decepticon allies.
What twisted technological terror have they unleashed?
What could be powerful enough to smash the Joe’s lead Assault and Recovery Platform off of a precipice while the rest of Cobra’s forces enjoy a relaxing holiday?
How much longer will I waste your time before the big reveal?
(Don’t worry, not too much.)
A GIANT ROBOT TYRANOSAURUS!!!!
The colossal Cybertronian cybernetic carnivore is tearing through the Joes, having already knocked down their drone helicopter. It has crushed Beachhead and Ace (who sadly lost his plane to the Winter Carnival and Car Rally), grabbed Gung Ho, and eaten Grunt (mostly because he is a lame Spy Troops figure). The sole remaining member of the first wave of attack, Lady Jaye, holds onto the bionic beast’s back for dear life, hoping to render any small possible aid to her man Flint as he coordinates the vehicle based second assault wave, while Stalker readies for a rescue run in.
The second wave looks to be about as effective as the first, since even the vehicular weapons are no match for the alien alloy armor. Neither Clutch, using the RAM’s Vulcan cannon, nor Cover Girl, firing missiles from the Wolverine tank, is scratching the rascally rampaging robot.
Why Cover Girl even needs Bombstrike to act as an artillery spotter while firing missiles directly at a giant monster coming straight at her is a question there isn’t the time to address in the thick of such a chaotic conflict-
But it likely has something to do with the Design Advisor wanting the girl figures easily accessible for play.
As always, Shipwreck is trying to protect Cover Girl by virtue of his sheer awesomeness. Hopefully, Barbecue salvaged some of his firefighting equipment before his truck got tossed, as the next rocket that launches will likely set Shipwreck’s awesomeness ablaze.
The beginnings of the all too needed next wave of attack are led by Snow Job (Yes, Snow Job) because…
Well, because he’s got skis on darn it. The links these stupid things have to Christmas, and even winter in general, are already highly tenuous. If I give him a major role, I feel that at least I tried.
General Hawk bellows from atop the command truck (of course) as Breaker lets him know the reinforcements have arrived. Duke readies his jet pack to haul Lady Jaye off the creature, before her boyfriend’s artillery barrage turns her into a well endowed smear atop the monstrosity.
Perhaps I should look at the big picture more than individual set pieces?
The third group of attackers pours from the back of the newly arrived transport helicopter
And a big thank you to the Design Advisor for loaning the new “truck” to the village this year.
Heavy assault experts Bazooka, Flash and Roadblock add their firepower to the cast of Predator against the creature. However, since the Joes already know massive vehicle mounted armaments have no effect on the technological terrifying tyrannosaur, one would wonder why they were brought in at all.
One should stop wondering however, because they were really on board to protect the helicopter, and its pilot Wild Bill, from what he was really delivering to stop the deadly destructive dino.
THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD
Kong was brought in using the transport helicopter and a bunch of weather balloons.
What? It worked in King Kong vs. Godzilla.
The Ninja force of Snake Eyes, Scarlet and Jinx, works quickly to release the big ape with the axe wielding Barbecue, still royally hacked off about losing his truck. The Joes with the greatest knowledge of animal behavior, Mutt and Sprit, are ready to work on convincing Kong to go after their outwardly organic opponent.
If that fails, they’ll smear Duke with bananas before he takes off.
And remember, if the mighty monkey manages to mangle the mechanical marauding monstrosity it wasn’t Kong that did it.
It was Christmas, killed the beast.
My wife also made a village, with help from the Design Advisor, here it is.
The winter animals living there are actually Snowbird’s (from Alpha Flight) various forms. They are the last remnants of the Design Advisor’s superhero dance party.
To keep anyone from thinking my wife’s aesthetic style doesn’t match the rest of the family:
A) She encourages us to do this
B) She insisted on taking the “Shipwreck being awesome” picture.
Have a helluva Christmas.
Click here to see the history of this hotly contended piece of property, and other Christmassy musings.