This post contains
bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your
spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace
without honor.”
This is not a post
for children. Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a
post for those adults who are offended by this type of language. Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my
cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything
else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.
In our tiny George Awards for Profanity
in Film this year, we have another two-fer- “Oh shit I forgot about...”
These two award famous and legendary
actresses for outstanding, extended expulsions in films that I hadn’t seen in a
while, but caught recently because I (like everyone else on the fucking planet)
was suddenly home a lot more.
It’s clear from the interviews, that
the people behind 1999’s Lake Placid are
horror fans with a twisted sense of humor.
This is one of my favorite combinations.
Honestly, watching any part of this story of a giant crocodile making
snacks out of New England locals makes their personality pretty clear.
One way it stands out the most
brightly in the casting of Betty White as the ever awesome Mrs. Delores
Bickerman.
Her replies were a joy to behold
whenever dealing with Brendan Gleeson’s Sheriff Keough.
On being asked if she
lead her husband to the water’s edge:
“If I had a dick,
this is where I'd tell you to suck it!”
On the Sheriff
telling her she’s under total house arrest:
“Thank you, officer
fuck-meat!”
And finally, her
reaction to the police using “Eminent Domain”
on one of her cows to trap the giant croc.
on one of her cows to trap the giant croc.
“You're all
cocksuckers! I knew it first, I just didn't want to say it!”
The second film is, I believe, far
less well known, outside of people related to me. In 1987 Dan Ackroyd and Tom
(James Bond, Superman) Mankiewicz teamed
up to make a comedy feature film version of Dragnet
with Ackroyd as the identical to his dad son of Joe Friday, and a young Tom
Hanks as his less straight laced partner, Pep Streebeck.
At one point they need to question one
Enid Borden, played by Kathleen Freeman.
She’s been awesome at least as far back as her role as Lena Lamont’s
vocal coach in Singing in the Rain. Most fans of Dan Ackroyd will recognize
her as the profanity swatting “Penguin” in the Blues Brothers’ films.
That added some extra punch to the fantastic
exchange that reverse Dan and Kathleen’s tolerance for blue prose.
Why couldn't you have
gotten here before that big,
bad, stupid-Iooking, piece of sewage breath
stole my wedding
dress?”
Friday- “Sewage
breath would be your nickname for...”
Borden- “Muzz. Emil
Muzz.”
Streebeck- “Not much
of an improvement.”
Enid- “That ass-wipe
also stiffed me for two months' rent when his check bounced.
Goddam puss-faced
pimp stick.
All that was left in
his room...
was a big box of
these things.”
Friday- “Any idea
where Emil Muzz could be now?
Friends? Family?”
Enid- “He was a
Ioner.
Took off in the
middle of the night.
Useless scum-lapping
shitbag.”
Friday- “Just the
facts, ma'am.
He leave anything
else behind?”
Enid Borden- “Yeah, a
tape deck
which I had to sell
to make up for the lost rent.
So there's nothing
you can do about it,
you slimy little jizz
bucket.”
Friday- “Yes, ma'am.
Although you could be
cited for swearing at us.”
Enid- “Says who,
flathead?”
Friday- “The
California penal code 314.1
covering obscene
conduct in public.
Good enough for you?”
Enid- “Them magazines
and papers were his down in the trash.
No checks or money.
I looked. I should've
thrown it in the river the day he left...
but unlike some
people,
I have a heart,
goddam it!
That miserable bag of
puke.”
Yes,
when it comes to swearing, tough old ladies have the experience and the "don’t
give a shit” to really make it work fantastically.
Reminds
me of my Grandmother and the rest of the Up the Lake crowd.
Come back next week for a brand new fuckin’ feature!
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