Thursday, April 23, 2020

George Awards: “She Was Wearing a Tight Bathrobe”

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

In our tiny George Awards for Profanity in Film this year, we have another two-fer- “Oh shit I forgot about...”

These two award famous and legendary actresses for outstanding, extended expulsions in films that I hadn’t seen in a while, but caught recently because I (like everyone else on the fucking planet) was suddenly home a lot more.

It’s clear from the interviews, that the people behind 1999’s Lake Placid are horror fans with a twisted sense of humor.  This is one of my favorite combinations.  Honestly, watching any part of this story of a giant crocodile making snacks out of New England locals makes their personality pretty clear.

One way it stands out the most brightly in the casting of Betty White as the ever awesome Mrs. Delores Bickerman.

Her replies were a joy to behold whenever dealing with Brendan Gleeson’s Sheriff Keough.

On being asked if she lead her husband to the water’s edge:
“If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it!”

On the Sheriff telling her she’s under total house arrest:
“Thank you, officer fuck-meat!”

And finally, her reaction to the police using “Eminent Domain” 
on one of her cows to trap the giant croc.
“You're all cocksuckers! I knew it first, I just didn't want to say it!”

The second film is, I believe, far less well known, outside of people related to me. In 1987 Dan Ackroyd and Tom (James Bond, Superman)  Mankiewicz teamed up to make a comedy feature film version of Dragnet with Ackroyd as the identical to his dad son of Joe Friday, and a young Tom Hanks as his less straight laced partner, Pep Streebeck.

At one point they need to question one Enid Borden, played by Kathleen Freeman.  She’s been awesome at least as far back as her role as Lena Lamont’s vocal coach in Singing in the Rain.  Most fans of Dan Ackroyd will recognize her as the profanity swatting “Penguin” in the Blues Brothers’ films.

That added some extra punch to the fantastic exchange that reverse Dan and Kathleen’s tolerance for blue prose.

Enid- “About time you pencil dicks showed up.
Why couldn't you have gotten here before that big,
bad, stupid-Iooking, piece of sewage breath
stole my wedding dress?”

Friday- “Sewage breath would be your nickname for...”

Borden- “Muzz. Emil Muzz.”

Streebeck- “Not much of an improvement.”

Enid- “That ass-wipe also stiffed me for two months' rent when his check bounced.
Goddam puss-faced pimp stick.
All that was left in his room...
was a big box of these things.”

Friday- “Any idea where Emil Muzz could be now?
Friends? Family?”

Enid- “He was a Ioner.
Took off in the middle of the night.
Useless scum-lapping shitbag.”

Friday- “Just the facts, ma'am.
He leave anything else behind?”

Enid Borden- “Yeah, a tape deck
which I had to sell to make up for the lost rent.
So there's nothing you can do about it,
you slimy little jizz bucket.”

Friday- “Yes, ma'am.
Although you could be cited for swearing at us.”

Enid- “Says who, flathead?”

Friday- “The California penal code 314.1
covering obscene conduct in public.
Good enough for you?”

Enid- “Them magazines and papers were his down in the trash.
No checks or money.
I looked. I should've thrown it in the river the day he left...
but unlike some people,
I have a heart, goddam it!
That miserable bag of puke.”

Yes, when it comes to swearing, tough old ladies have the experience and the "don’t give a shit” to really make it work fantastically.
Reminds me of my Grandmother and the rest of the Up the Lake crowd.
Come back next week for a brand new fuckin’ feature!

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