Thursday, April 30, 2020

A New Award: “Heidi Ho Boys!”

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

I have a problem. 

Based on the only George Award Winner for profanity in television’s response last year, I made a correct, firm and justified decision:

Dana DeLorenzo’s award for her portrayal as Kelly Maxwell in the Ash vs Evil Dead series could be the only George Award for Television, ever.

No one would ever come close to both her execution and excitement, as shown in her acceptance tweet.

This leaves me in quite a pickle as, based on no fucking research whatsoever, the number of television series on networks that don’t give a shit about censoring language now rivals or possibly outnumbers the ones that do.

Therefore, to fix this problem, along with the George Awards this year will be the first presentations of the newly minted Dana Awards for Profanity in Television.


There are two recipients this time: a hard and soft one so to speak.

In American Gods, Pablo Schreiber played Mad Sweeney- the six foot five inch, hard fightin’ and cussin’ leprechaun, who had previously been Lugh, Lord of Celtic mythology and the legendary Irish King Buile Shuibhne. 

Yes, Neil Gaiman threw all the mythological shit he could get his hands on against the wall and ran with what stuck. Trust me; both the book and show are awesome.

There are many mythological potty mouths on this show, but Sweeny takes the cake, even surpassing Ian McNaughton’s Mr. Wednesday, by infusing good old Irish rage into every fuck, cunt and combination thereof.  At one point he lets fire with a prayer containing “"Why does this shit always happen to me?” in old Irish.

For puttin’ a powerful Gaelic belt on every hard “c” sound in your profane repertoire during this series, one of the inaugural Dana awards goes to you Mr. Schreiber.

The second of this year’s Dana Awards goes to Henry Cavill.

No it’s not for when he played Superman that led to my profane rants in some cases, and my happy swears of joy others.  Instead it’s from his leading role in The Witcher.

I'm a little late to the party with this show, but I’m glad I got there. It’s a hoot!  It rolls very much like an Eighties sex and gore filled sword and sorcery flick, but with modern storytelling and character development. 

I'm really glad I don’t binge, and watched the episodes one a day. It let the nonlinear, triple path tales sink in properly.

What earns him a Dana Award is the choice to avoid the usual trope of made up swears in a fantasy setting.  There are no shouts of “Crom!” “Holy Eister” or even “Demon Dogs” within the eight episodes. Instead everyone uses the same shitload of bad words that some of us do in everyday life.

Cavill as Geralt of Rivia, however, deserves special mention. 

He is a man mutated against his will in childhood to become a monster hunter who then spends his life with destiny dumping on him, the populace fearing him, and never knowing who will betray him next.

While others in the world he inhabits tend to swear out of anger or fear, Geralt always seems to infuse each four lettered syllable with pathos, world weariness and exhaustion.

His exhaled, simple and understated, “fuck”s mark key moments in the narrative where his personal shit is hitting the fan.

It’s rare when such a basic and classic word becomes memed across the continent, and it’s all due to Cavill’s delivery.

Enjoy your Dana Award Sir.

Congratulations to Pablo and Henry on their inaugural Dana Awards.  For lessons in upping your already masterful games, watch a couple episodes of Dana DeLorenzo dealing out weaponized "fucks" as  Kelly Maxwell in Ash vs Evil Dead.

That’s all for this year's seventh excursion into profanity folks.

Hopefully we’ll all have much happier swears when…

The George Awards Will Return.

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