This
post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that
“will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God
help us, peace without honor.”
This
is not a post for children. Kids, take a hike.
This
is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of
language. Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before
moral outrage can kick in.
Just
about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End
of Warning.
And
so, unbelievably, for the fourth time we have come to the end of the GeorgeAwards…
Meaning
it’s time to address some special citations and missed opportunities.
First
we have a late entry for this year’s first list from a 2017 film that was both
outstandingly hysterical, and also did a better job with some of the key
character’s inner emotions and relationships than any other motion picture
effort:
The
moment is this exchange between Michael Cera and Will Arnett from Lego Batman.
but all the kids are
the orphanage call me Dick.”
Distracted Orphan
Billionaire Bruce Wayne- “Well, children can be cruel.”
Also,
since I just saw Clue (1985) for the
first time in a while it’s as good an excuse as any to bring up Madeline Kahn
again, if only to point out that her description of anger as Mrs. White that
started with, “Flames…flames on the side of my face,” was an ad lib that none
of the actors knew was coming which is why they are visibly trying to hold it
together.
The
line with relevance to this year’s George Awards, however, came earlier in her
earlier exchange with Martin Mull’s Colonel Mustard:
Mustard- “You lure
men to their deaths like a spider with flies!”
White – “Flies are
where men are most vulnerable.”
Mustard – “Right!”
*Pause for embarrassed realization*
More importantly I forgot the award for classiest person to use a Dick Joke in a movie.
The scene comes from the film Arthur (1981) and is an exchange between Dudley Moore as Arthur Bach, who along with Peter Cook was one of the biggest influences on the Pythons after The Goons, and Sir John Gielgud, masterful star of may plays in London's West End as the long suffereing Hobson.
Arthur- "Hobson?"
Hobson- "Yes."
Arthur- "Do you know what
I’m going to do?"
Hobson- "No, I don’t."
Arthur- "I’m going to
take a bath."
Hobson- "I’ll alert the
media."
Arthur- "Do you want to
run my bath for me?"
Hobson- "It’s what I live
for."
Arthur *exits*
Hobson- "Perhaps you’d
like me to come in there and wash your dick for you…
you little shit."
With the omissions out of the way, how about some special citations before shutting down?
Steve
Martin is on top of the Dick Jokes list already. Many of his other films also feature quality
work in this area.
For
example, the phenomenal and extensive string of better insults C.D. defines for Jim (Thom Curley) the jerk at the bar who called him “big nose” in 1987’s Roxanne contained a couple of gems.
How many is that?
…
All right. Dirty:
your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?”
Steve
has been a master of these back to his earliest films, all directed by comic genius (and
probably uncoincidentally Mel Brooks's longtime friend) Carl Reiner.
In
reverse order:
Roger- “You'll have
to do it.”
Edwina- “Do what?”
Roger –“You know,
take it out.”
Edwina- “Take what
out?”
Roger- “The little
fireman.”
Edwina- “The little
fireman?”
Roger- “You know, my
penis.”
Edwina- “How dare you
say penis to a dead person!”
1983’s
The Man With Two Brains: a zany update to Fifties medical horror films, with a pile of dirty jokes (quality ones though) thrown in for good measure. As Doctor Michael Hfuhruhurr hanging a
hat on “himself” as well as breaking a window pane due to frustration at having
his sex life reducing him to yelling:
“I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
THAT IN THE
FINGER-SUCKING DEPARTMENT
I AM EXTREMELY
SATISFIED.”
1982’s
Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid: This is a film that seamlessly combined real Forties noir detective films with Steve Martin and Carl Reiner created goofy lunacy. The weird venn diagram of those sets means its fan base consists almost completely of my immediate family. . Private Eye Rigby Reardon gets a running
gag reversed on him by Juliet Forest (Racheal Ward):
Juliet – “Adjusting
your willie.
When you fell through
the window it shifted out of whack.”
Rigby- “Thanks.”
Juliet- “You're
welcome.”
Rigby - *Gumshoe narration*
“I hadn't had my
willie adjusted like that in a long time,
especially without
having to beg.”
1979’s
The Jerk: where Steve turned his already unhinged stand up routines into a semi-coherent, and even more unhinged narrative. Navin R. Johnson and his enthusiasm over discovering
his “special purpose” with Patty (Catlin Adams):
Patty- “What's your
special purpose?”
Navin- “Well, when I
was a kid my mom told me THAT was my special purpose!
And someday I'd find
out what my special purpose was!”
Patty- “Today's the
day!”
And
then his report letter back to the family as read by his Grandma (Frances E.
Williams):
Today I found out
what my special purpose is for.
Gosh, what a great
time I had.
I wish the whole
family could've been here with me.
Maybe some other time
as I intend to do this a lot.
Every chance I get.
I think next week
I'll be able to send more money as I may have extra work.
My friend Patty has promised
me a blow job.
Your loving son,
Navin.”
However,
I am not giving Steve Martin a Special George Award for Dick Jokes in his
films. I am instead giving it for him
managing to get one on national television during the time when Carson was
king.
Ladies and Gentleman,
the Great Flydini!
One
final special award/ omission for this year not connected to any of the lists.
Instead
it is to repair a gross oversight from the Special George Awards presented to
my college chums last year.
Jesse
was on co-op one semester, and due to a bunch of weird scheduling issues, and
other clubs who didn’t fill out paperwork on time and angered the Union, we
ended up trying to shift the night of our usual meeting, coming into conflict
with multiple groups of combat minded individuals. Judo, fencing, karate…the
beheading club.
We
had to go have a meeting with the other club leaders and the Union Board to
figure out who got the time and place: either us who filled out the papers
properly and on time, or the combat club who didn’t, but had years of
historical precedence.
Since
there would be three officers from the other gang, Scott was coming with us. As
we prepared to go he said:
“Boy are they in trouble!
They’ve got
*places hand on
Randy’s shoulder*
The Vice President,
*places hand on my
shoulder*
The Treasurer,
*replaces hand on
Randy’s shoulder*
The Acting President,
*proudly thumps own
chest*
and the Club Asshole
coming for them.”
And
he was right…we got the room.
First
Skip Ahead:
A
couple of weeks into the semester, Jesse stopped in for a visit to a juggling
club meeting. Scott’s first words upon
seeing him:
Scott- “Jesse, I was
named Official Club Asshole in your absence.”
Jesse- “Um…OK. I
didn’t know that was my title.”
Final
Skip Ahead:
Shortly
after that, the Union Board called a meeting of all clubs on a Saturday to go
over all the different rules and budget and stuff. They required two officers
from every club. Randy had plans to go
home that weekend, so Scott tagged along again.
The
sign in sheet had delineated spaces, so we filled them out accordingly and
signed them:
NAME /Signature CLUB
TITLE
Jeffrey Xxxxxxxx Juggling
Club Treasurer
Scott Xxxxxxxx Juggling Club O.C.A.
When
the Union Board member collected the sheet, he stopped by us and asked with a
suspicious scowl:
“What’s O.C.A.?”
In unison we professionally replied:
“Other Club Administrator.”
Therefore,
for being formally documented in the minutes and notes of the RPI Union
Board Meeting as the Juggling Club’s Official Club Asshole, I award Scott a
Special George Award to close out this year’s ceremonies.
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