This post contains
bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your
spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace
without honor.”
This is not a post
for children. Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a
post for those adults who are offended by this type of language. Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my
cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything
else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.
Welcome
one and all to the fifth edition of this blog’s salute to profanity and related
arts. Named in honor of the greatest
master and practitioner of those verbal arts, George Carlin. (Click here for a full explanation and links
to previous outings.)
This
year we’re starting off to the seemingly never ending well of comedy that comes
from a man getting smacked in his personal jellybeans and other references to
the multi named source of pain and comedy.
The
first list is a straight out celebration of humor derived from a quick shot to
the nethers, without the usual verbal element that these awards celebrate. It’s
also a split between funny reactions, and funny non reactions, because that’s
how comedy works!
Number
ten starts off the list with a rules violation of sorts. While the awesomeness
of Robocop (1987) disqualified it early on the George Awards, this time will be
allowed because:
1)
It's a non-verbal moment
2)
There’s a director cameo involved.
3)
Tough shit, it’s my show.
When
Murphy (Peter Weller) enters a nightclub to arrest Leon (Ray Nash) the felon's
first instinct is a swift kick to Robo’s cops.
His broken footed reaction would be funny enough on its own, but its
immediate following by the (not supposed to be included on film) sight of director Paul
Verhoeven demonstrating how he wanted
all the dancer extras to act like crazy people, pushes it over the top.
Add
on the bonus points of an earlier moment where Robocop uses a well-placed
shot from his hand cannon to remove a would be rapist’s weapons of choice, and
it had to be here.
Deadpoool
(2016) should probably also be disqualified due to the sheer mass of material. I already mentioned Wade’s euphemisms such as
referring to a certain Australian’s “smooth criminals down under,” or the
instructions to Vanessa's grabbing of Fat Gandalf to “Hakuna his tatas,” yet I forgot about him telling
Negasonic Teenage Warhead to “Go get Silver Balls.”
This
list is about actual impacts though. While most of the many dead shots to the
pools in this feature involved Colossus not reacting to them, the one that
takes the number nine spot is the reverse.
Stefan
Kapičić’s voice is at the most innocent when he calls Angel (Gina Carano) very
beautiful while averting his eyes after her mid battle wardrobe
malfunction. Even she notices and calls
him sweet, before belting him in the X-mens and sending him flying across the
junkyard.
Not
the greatest of moments, but it gives me a chance to point out I forgot
Deadpool trying to convince Ajax’s enemy army to give up because,
“You only
work for that shit spackled Muppet fart.”
Yeah,
it’s not fair comparing this to normal films, is it?
The
Eighth place is a complete guilty pleasure film from 1988. I believe the late
Eighties were the home of all the best guilty pleasures.
I’m not much of a fan of most of Van Damme’s work, but there was
something about Bloodsport, that makes me return to it regularly. Probably a combination
of former Bruce Lee opponent Bolo Yeung as a ridiculously evil foe, Donald
“Ogre” Gibb as the super goofy, over the top Ray Jackson, and the fact that it
was basically “Mortal Kombat- the Movie” four years before the game was
released.
Van
Damme’s Frank Dux is shown as a meditative master of martial arts, regularly
using his mind and his focus to win battles.
That is, except for the bout against the sumo wrestler, who shrugs off a
few attacks until Jean Claude bloodies his sports by unleashing the inspiration for Johnny Cage’s full
split nut punch.
It’s
been too long since I mentioned Bruce Campbell on this blog: so let’s give him the Number Seven George
Award for the already accolade covered Army
of Darkness. A film which just celebrated the 25th Anniversary of its US release ten days ago. The slapstick,
stoogefest of the graveyard scene in this 1992 classic wouldn’t have been complete
without one of those skeletal arms belting Ash right in his bones.
Speaking
of multiple award winners, of course Mel Brooks will show up on this list. The
near perfect comedy of 1974’s Young
Frankenstein comes to mind for Sixth Place.
The
scene is Froderick (Gene Wilder) lecturing to his class of medical students
about unconscious reflexes. Liam Dunn plays poor Mr. Hilltop, already nervous
from the doctor’s feints to demonstrate his flinching:
Froderick:
“But what if we block the nerve impulse by simply applying local pressure, which
can be done with any ordinary metal clamp just at the swelling on the posterior
nerve roots for, say... five or six seconds?
Why,
you mother-grabbing bastard!”
*Knees
Mr. Hilltop in his abby-normals*
*Mr.
Hilltop doesn’t outwardly react, but his eye crossing and groaning are pretty
clear*
Froderick: “As you can see, all communication is shut off. In spite of our mechanical magnificence, if it were not for this continuous stream of motor impulses, we would collapse like a bunch of broccoli.”
*Disconnects
clap, allowing Hilltop to collapse writhing*
The
kicker is Wilder’s deadpan delivery of, “Give him an extra dollar,” as they
wheel poor Mr. Hilltop out.
Come
back for more Mel next time
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