Thursday, March 29, 2018

George Awards: Explosions Are Fun

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

Hello and welcome to some special citations George Awards. This year’s list, and some in the the past couple of years for that matter, has focused on some lower weight words.

Frankly, it’s a fucking embarrassment.

Therefore, here’s a couple Special George Awards to films that have used “Fuck” multiple times with the pride and majesty that word is due.

Both were included in hat trick acknowledgments in the first round of the George Awards, but that inclusion may have hidden the fact (or more accurately made me forget the fact) that each of these films has many other excessively fun uses of the mightiest of all profanities.

It’s probably fairly obvious that I’m a fan of John Carpenter’s The Thing. (1982) I immediately chose Kurt Russell’s favorite line in the piece for the Carpenter Hat Trick award.  In fact, it was at Kurt’s urging that, “You gotta be fuckin’ kidding” was given a close up in the first place.

In rushing that into an award, I missed three other fantastic ones.  To borrow a phrase from Lewis Black, who knows a thing or two about profanity as well, this full combination gets The Thing a “Grand Fuck Slam” George Award.

Russell’s MacReady wielded fire and profanity to end the titular monster with both a huge explosion and a huge expletive:


Keith David, before being a voodoo singer, a well-spoken statue and a guy who mutually beat the shit out of Roddy Piper over some sunglasses (featuring several nut shots that probably should have made this year’s list…Son of a bitch!) played Childs.  He brought his deep, powerful and Shakespearean trained voice to add a note of class to the important question:

“So, how's this motherfucker wake up after thousands of years in the ice?”

My greatest embarrassment for this film is a line that actually inspired the creation of the George Awards, which slipped out of my over-full-with-useless-shit mind between conception and execution of this idea. 

Put upon and suspected leader Garry (Donald Moffat) experiences a bunch of truly heinous horrors while bound in a seated position. When he’s finally exonerated via blood test, his humble request starts out filled with calm peacefulness before building to a crescendo in a truly inspirational George Award Moment:

“I know
you gentlemen have been through a lot,
When you find the time,
I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter

Sorry Garry, you deserved better.

The next film, probably due to having one of the most famous uses of the word “Fuck” in cinema history, made me ignore a great many other lovely ones.

John McClane, played by Bruce Willis, uses “Fuck” to express every possible emotion, scoring 1988’s Die Hard a special citation.

John’s “Yippee Ki Ay- Motherfucker!” has been noted, but Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber returning the line dripping with disdain when he thinks he’s gotten the drop on John also deserved mention.

When the gun John gave him is shown to be empty, John’s reply is direct and completely matter of fact:
"No bullets.
Do you think I'm fucking stupid, Hans?"

John uses the word in a contemplative and self-criticizing way right before leaping off the roof tied to a fire hose:
“Oh John, what the fuck are you doing?"

It is employed to highlight shock and disbelief at the idiot on the other side of the call for help telling him the frequency was only for emergencies:
“No fuckin shit lady!
Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?”

John’s introspective nature was also seen in this self-assessment of his inability to interfere in Takagi’s murder:
“Why the fuck didn't you stop them, John?
Because then you'd be dead, too, asshole!"

And of course, John’s use of the word in the classic sense during a rage filled battle against Karl (Alexander Godunov):
“You shoulda heard your brother squeal,
I'll KILL you!
I'm gonna kill ya,
I'm gonna cook ya,
and I'm gonna fuckin' EAT ya!!”

Congratulations to Mr. McClane and Die Hard for achieving The Hexafuck George Award for Excellence in Expression.

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