Thursday, March 1, 2018

George Awards: If I Could Reach

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

Welcome one and all to the fifth edition of this blog’s salute to profanity and related arts.  Named in honor of the greatest master and practitioner of those verbal arts, George Carlin.  (Click here for a full explanation and links to previous outings.)

This year we’re starting off to the seemingly never ending well of comedy that comes from a man getting smacked in his personal jellybeans and other references to the multi named source of pain and comedy.

The first list is a straight out celebration of humor derived from a quick shot to the nethers, without the usual verbal element that these awards celebrate. It’s also a split between funny reactions, and funny non reactions, because that’s how comedy works!

Number ten starts off the list with a rules violation of sorts. While the awesomeness of Robocop (1987) disqualified it early on the George Awards, this time will be allowed because:
1) It's a non-verbal moment
2) There’s a director cameo involved.
3) Tough shit, it’s my show.

When Murphy (Peter Weller) enters a nightclub to arrest Leon (Ray Nash) the felon's first instinct is a swift kick to Robo’s cops. 
His broken footed reaction would be funny enough on its own, but its immediate following by the (not supposed to be included on film) sight of director Paul Verhoeven  demonstrating how he wanted all the dancer extras to act like crazy people, pushes it over the top.

Add on the bonus points of an earlier moment where Robocop uses a well-placed shot from his hand cannon to remove a would be rapist’s weapons of choice, and it had to be here.

Deadpoool (2016) should probably also be disqualified due to the sheer mass of material.  I already mentioned Wade’s euphemisms such as referring to a certain Australian’s “smooth criminals down under,” or the instructions to Vanessa's grabbing of Fat Gandalf to “Hakuna his tatas,” yet I forgot about him telling Negasonic Teenage Warhead to “Go get Silver Balls.”

This list is about actual impacts though. While most of the many dead shots to the pools in this feature involved Colossus not reacting to them, the one that takes the number nine spot is the reverse.

Stefan Kapičić’s voice is at the most innocent when he calls Angel (Gina Carano) very beautiful while averting his eyes after her mid battle wardrobe malfunction.  Even she notices and calls him sweet, before belting him in the X-mens and sending him flying across the junkyard.

Not the greatest of moments, but it gives me a chance to point out I forgot Deadpool trying to convince Ajax’s enemy army to give up because, 
“You only work for that shit spackled Muppet fart.”

Yeah, it’s not fair comparing this to normal films, is it?

The Eighth place is a complete guilty pleasure film from 1988. I believe the late Eighties were the home of all the best guilty pleasures.  I’m not much of a fan of most of Van Damme’s work, but there was something about Bloodsport, that makes me return to it regularly.  Probably a combination of former Bruce Lee opponent Bolo Yeung as a ridiculously evil foe, Donald “Ogre” Gibb as the super goofy, over the top Ray Jackson, and the fact that it was basically “Mortal Kombat- the Movie” four years before the game was released.

Van Damme’s Frank Dux is shown as a meditative master of martial arts, regularly using his mind and his focus to win battles.  That is, except for the bout against the sumo wrestler, who shrugs off a few attacks until Jean Claude bloodies his sports by unleashing the inspiration for Johnny Cage’s full split nut punch.

It’s been too long since I mentioned Bruce Campbell on this blog: so let’s give him the Number Seven George Award for the already accolade covered Army of Darkness. A film which just celebrated the 25th Anniversary of its US release ten days ago. The slapstick, stoogefest of the graveyard scene in this 1992 classic wouldn’t have been complete without one of those skeletal arms belting Ash right in his bones.

Speaking of multiple award winners, of course Mel Brooks will show up on this list. The near perfect comedy of 1974’s Young Frankenstein comes to mind for Sixth Place.

The scene is Froderick (Gene Wilder) lecturing to his class of medical students about unconscious reflexes. Liam Dunn plays poor Mr. Hilltop, already nervous from the doctor’s feints to demonstrate his flinching:
Froderick: “But what if we block the nerve impulse by simply applying local pressure, which can be done with any ordinary metal clamp just at the swelling on the posterior nerve roots for, say... five or six seconds?
Why, you mother-grabbing bastard!”
*Knees Mr. Hilltop in his abby-normals*
*Mr. Hilltop doesn’t outwardly react, but his eye crossing and groaning are pretty clear*

Froderick: “As you can see, all communication is shut off. In spite of our mechanical magnificence, if it were not for this continuous stream of motor impulses, we would collapse like a bunch of broccoli.”
*Disconnects clap, allowing Hilltop to collapse writhing*

The kicker is Wilder’s deadpan delivery of, “Give him an extra dollar,” as they wheel poor Mr. Hilltop out.

Come back for more Mel next time

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