Thursday, March 22, 2018

George Awards: They’re Not Stupid…

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

Yes, the George Awards have descended (ha!) to the level of verbal references to men’s dangly bits.  It started last week, and will, we can only hope, finish up now.

The term I usually find the funniest, I’d guess is due to the one purely awesome and serious use of it in history by Brigadier General Anthony McAuliffe during the Battle of the Bulge in World War II.

German officers brought a full paged typed letter, in two languages to Command Post of F Company, 327th GIR near Bastogne, Belgium, requesting the American troops surrender to avoid annihilation due to being surrounded and outnumbered.

The typed up reply returned to them was McAuliffe’s initial response when hearing this request-

"December 22, 1944

To the German Commander,

N U T S !

The American Commander"

There was a bit of confusion on the German’s part, as they weren’t sure if that was affirmative or negative.

They were told, “The reply is decidedly not affirmative,” and was finally, literally translated to “Go to the devil.”

Sadly, for the sake of making Junior High History class unforgettably funny for generations, they did not go with the initial suggested translation of Colonel Bud Harper-

“Tell them to go take a flying shit!”

Anyway, "Nuts" is funny, but for some reason that smells a lot like laziness, I only have a couple of examples:

One of my favorite films since childhood, and multiple George Award Winner, is 1976’s Murder by Death.  Much of the verbal hilarity is based on misunderstandings, including this gem between James Coco’s Milo Perrier and his chauffer, James Cromwell’s Marcel Cassette as their car heads toward Number 22, Twain’s house,

Perrier- “Nuts!”
Marcel- “I beg your pardon?”
Perrier- “Nuts, nuts! There are no nuts in my chocolate!”
You let that imbecile in the shop give you raisins.”
Marcel- “He didn't have any nuts.”
Perrier- *long staring pause*
“The man in the shop?”
Marcel- “That's the reason l took the raisins.”
Perrier- “Never mind.”

Vampires, by George Award Hat Trick winner John Carpenter has been sadly ignored in these proceedings, which is a huge failure on my part.  Much of the dialog in this 1998 children of the night filled gore fest (gore courtesy of our friends at KNB Effects) is George Award worthy.  James Woods as Jack Crow gets in many of them, normally yelling
“Die! Die you fucker!” 

as he stakes his foes.

More of this can be seen by some stellar expletives by Jack egging on Father Adam (Tim Guinee) who has just shot Cardinal Alba (Maximillian Schell), to antagonize Master Vampire Valek (Thomas Ian Church):

Crow- “You`ve got nobody to compete your ritual! The sun`s rising.
Valek- “You will finish the ritual.
Father Adam- *points shotgun at his own head* “Try and make me.”
Crow- “Attaboy,
Fuck with him!
Looks like you`re shit out of luck.”
Give it up!”
Valek- “Finish it.”
Father Adam- “No.”
*The Vampire Lord is holding a torch up, to Jack’s slayers*
Crow- “Come on, Padre! My nuts are on fire!”

Now we’ve come to the special awards for my favorite uses of these words, starting with “nuts.”

Kentucky Fried Movie contains the seeds of great comedy. It’s John Landis’s second film, and the first writing effort of Airplane’s Zucker-Abrams-Zucker combo. The lowest of lowbrow humor in the film is the “trailer” for the adult film, Catholic High School Girls in Trouble. Somewhere between the gratuitous nudity intercut with odd puns is this gem featuring songwriter Stephen Bishop. (The guitarist Bluto apologizes to on the stairs in Animal House.)

I picked it because it is based on what George Carlin might refer to “A ten year old’s joke, but a good one,” further establishing how my mind works.

Bishop is making lascivious eye contact with “Sexy Woman” and she’s returning the favor, leading her to lustily say:

“Show me your nuts.”

The hand puppets in his reaction over and above the goofy faces cement this moment.

Hey, there’s a great amount of humor in foreign language references to the highlighted objects of the George Awards. Speaking of favorites, it’s been at least two days since I’ve quoted Transylvania 6-5000 (1985) which is way too long.

This one get a double laugh, one for the over the top reaction of Ed Begley Jr. (as Gil) as his Lou Costello like panicked frenzy hits a crescendo when his monsters are grabbed by Dusko Valntic (the Twisted Man).

Then later when the even more over the top Doctor Antonio Malavaqua (Joseph Bologna) rants at all of his charges for their abduction of Gil, including:

Malavaqua- “Hey, hey you! Pretzel, Twisto,
come over ‘ere.
How come you grab this reporter by the cogliones?”
Twisto- “He stepped on me.”

Switching words, back to where we started this vast waste of time, and back to another movie I need to rewatch far too frequently, let’s give another George Award to The Three Amigos from 1986.

This exchange wins, partially because it’s another ten year old joke, partially because it’s kind of out of place in this movie (like lasts years list topper was) but mostly because of the delayed reaction of Lucky Day (Steve Martin) and the lack of reaction, followed by faked reaction of Dusty Bottoms (Chevy Chase) when Ned Nederlander (Martin Short) spies something and then explains the joke, giggling uncontrollably:

Ned Nederlander- “I think it's a male plane.”
Dusty Bottoms- “How can you tell?”
Ned Nederlander- “Didn't you notice its little balls?”

For the technical term, there’s no better use than 1985’s Better off Dead, which also happens to be my favorite of the Eighties teen romance movies. None of the other ones come close to this one’s levels of dark, absurd and insane humor.

And in case anyone cares about my opinions, the Breakfast Club was crap. Everyone calls it a representation of a connection between all the “types” in high school, but the nerd has to do all the work and is the only one who doesn't end up with a date, and all the viewers are fine with that.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.


Back to the adventures of Lane Meyer (John Cusak) bumping into the language barrier with exchange student Monique Junet (Diane Franklin).  She explains pretending not to speak English to avoid any interactions with the family that’s brought her to the states, specifically the over amorous Ricky (Daniel Schneider). Then she fires off this nugget, along with some angrily thrown snowballs:

Monique- “I thought if Casanova and I in there had nothing to say to each other, he'd get bored -- go away. Instead he uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over me!”
Lane- “Sorry, what?”
Monique- “Uh, how you say... octopus... testicles.”
Lane- *visibly relieved*
There's a big difference.”

I’m pretty sure anyone who’s ever met me knows what the grand prize for this category is.

It’s got the verbal component, the comical reaction and a later call back.

Ladies and gentleman, for the Top Tier George Award for referring to male parts and their injuries-
I give you Brent Chalem as Horace, Andre Gower as Sean, and Carl Tribault as the Wolf Man in, 1987’s The Monster Squad:

The kids are attacked in Dracula’s house by the Wolf Man:
Sean- “Kick him in the nards! Kick him in the nards!”
Horace- “He doesn't have nards!”
Sean- “Do it, do it!”
*Horace kicks, Wolf Man howls in agony*

Horace- *in utter astonishment*
“Wolf Man's got naaaaards!”

Later, when the kids meet up with the other group, Horace relates his moment of triumph:

“It was boss!
We met Dracula,
And I kicked Wolf Man in the nards!”

Click here to order the t-shirt!  I've had mine (and many other Fright Rags) for years!

Come back next time for some special citations.

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