This post contains
bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your
spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace
without honor.”
This is not a post
for children. Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a
post for those adults who are offended by this type of language. Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my
cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything
else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.
Yes,
the George Awards have descended (ha!) to the level of verbal references to men’s dangly
bits. It started last week, and will, we
can only hope, finish up now.
The
term I usually find the funniest, I’d guess is due to the one purely awesome
and serious use of it in history by Brigadier General Anthony McAuliffe during
the Battle of the Bulge in World War II.
German
officers brought a full paged typed letter, in two languages to Command Post of
F Company, 327th GIR near Bastogne, Belgium, requesting the American troops
surrender to avoid annihilation due to being surrounded and outnumbered.
The
typed up reply returned to them was McAuliffe’s initial response when hearing
this request-
"December 22,
1944
To the German
Commander,
N U T S !
The American
Commander"
There
was a bit of confusion on the German’s part, as they weren’t sure if that was
affirmative or negative.
They
were told, “The reply is decidedly not affirmative,” and was finally, literally
translated to “Go to the devil.”
Sadly,
for the sake of making Junior High History class unforgettably funny for
generations, they did not go with the initial suggested translation of Colonel
Bud Harper-
“Tell them to go take
a flying shit!”
Anyway, "Nuts" is funny, but for some reason that smells a lot like laziness, I only have
a couple of examples:
One
of my favorite films since childhood, and multiple George Award Winner, is
1976’s Murder by Death. Much of the verbal hilarity is based on
misunderstandings, including this gem between James Coco’s Milo Perrier and his
chauffer, James Cromwell’s Marcel Cassette as their car heads toward Number 22, Twain’s house,
Perrier- “Nuts!”
Marcel- “I beg your
pardon?”
Perrier- “Nuts, nuts!
There are no nuts in my chocolate!”
You let that imbecile
in the shop give you raisins.”
Perrier- *long
staring pause*
“The man in the shop?”
Perrier- “Never mind.”
Vampires, by George Award Hat
Trick winner John Carpenter has been sadly ignored in these proceedings, which
is a huge failure on my part. Much of the
dialog in this 1998 children of the night filled gore fest (gore courtesy of
our friends at KNB Effects) is George Award worthy. James Woods as Jack Crow gets in many of
them, normally yelling
“Die! Die you fucker!”
as he stakes his foes.
More
of this can be seen by some stellar expletives by Jack egging on Father Adam
(Tim Guinee) who has just shot Cardinal Alba (Maximillian Schell), to
antagonize Master Vampire Valek (Thomas Ian Church):
Crow- “You`ve got
nobody to compete your ritual! The sun`s rising.
Valek- “You will
finish the ritual.
Father Adam- *points
shotgun at his own head* “Try and make me.”
Crow- “Attaboy,
Fuck with him!
Looks like you`re
shit out of luck.”
Give it up!”
Valek- “Finish it.”
Father Adam- “No.”
*The Vampire Lord is
holding a torch up, to Jack’s slayers*
Now
we’ve come to the special awards for my favorite uses of these words, starting
with “nuts.”
Kentucky Fried Movie contains the seeds
of great comedy. It’s John Landis’s second film, and the first writing effort
of Airplane’s Zucker-Abrams-Zucker
combo. The lowest of lowbrow humor in the film is the “trailer” for the adult
film, Catholic High School Girls in
Trouble. Somewhere between the gratuitous nudity intercut with odd puns is
this gem featuring songwriter Stephen Bishop. (The guitarist Bluto apologizes
to on the stairs in Animal House.)
I
picked it because it is based on what George Carlin might refer to “A ten year
old’s joke, but a good one,” further establishing how my mind works.
“Show me your nuts.”
The hand puppets in
his reaction over and above the goofy faces cement this moment.
Hey,
there’s a great amount of humor in foreign language references to the
highlighted objects of the George Awards. Speaking of favorites, it’s been at least two days since I’ve quoted Transylvania
6-5000 (1985) which is way too long.
This
one get a double laugh, one for the over the top reaction of Ed Begley Jr. (as
Gil) as his Lou Costello like panicked frenzy hits a crescendo when his
monsters are grabbed by Dusko Valntic (the Twisted Man).
Then
later when the even more over the top Doctor Antonio Malavaqua (Joseph Bologna)
rants at all of his charges for their abduction of Gil, including:
come over ‘ere.
How come you grab
this reporter by the cogliones?”
Twisto- “He stepped
on me.”
Switching
words, back to where we started this vast waste of time, and back to another
movie I need to rewatch far too frequently, let’s give another George Award to The Three Amigos from 1986.
This
exchange wins, partially because it’s another ten year old joke, partially
because it’s kind of out of place in this movie (like lasts years list topper
was) but mostly because of the delayed reaction of Lucky Day (Steve Martin) and
the lack of reaction, followed by faked reaction of Dusty Bottoms (Chevy Chase)
when Ned Nederlander (Martin Short) spies something and then explains the joke,
giggling uncontrollably:
Ned Nederlander- “I
think it's a male plane.”
Dusty Bottoms- “How
can you tell?”
For
the technical term, there’s no better use than 1985’s Better off Dead, which also happens to be my favorite of the
Eighties teen romance movies. None of the other ones come close to this one’s
levels of dark, absurd and insane humor.
And in case anyone cares about my opinions, the Breakfast Club was crap. Everyone
calls it a representation of a connection between all the “types” in high
school, but the nerd has to do all the work and is the only one who doesn't end
up with a date, and all the viewers are fine with that.
Not
that I'm bitter or anything.
Aaaaaanyway-
Back to the adventures of Lane Meyer (John Cusak) bumping into the language barrier with exchange student Monique Junet (Diane Franklin). She explains pretending not to speak English to avoid any interactions with the family that’s brought her to the states, specifically the over amorous Ricky (Daniel Schneider). Then she fires off this nugget, along with some angrily thrown snowballs:
Monique- “I thought
if Casanova and I in there had nothing to say to each other, he'd get bored --
go away. Instead he uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over me!”
*beat*
Lane- “Sorry, what?”
Lane- “Sorry, what?”
Monique- “Uh, how you
say... octopus... testicles.”
Lane- *visibly relieved*
tentacles.
N-T.
There's a big
difference.”
I’m
pretty sure anyone who’s ever met me knows what the grand prize for this
category is.
It’s
got the verbal component, the comical reaction and a later call back.
Ladies
and gentleman, for the Top Tier George Award for referring to male parts and
their injuries-
I
give you Brent Chalem as Horace, Andre Gower as Sean, and Carl Tribault as the
Wolf Man in, 1987’s The Monster Squad:
The kids are attacked
in Dracula’s house by the Wolf Man:
Horace- “He doesn't
have nards!”
Sean- “Do it, do it!”
Horace- *in utter
astonishment*
Later,
when the kids meet up with the other group, Horace relates his moment of
triumph:
We met Dracula,
And I kicked Wolf Man
in the nards!”
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