Thursday, April 5, 2018

George Awards: The Universe Aimed Very Low and Settled For Very Little

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

This year’s George Awards continue with special achievements to make up for a bunch of weaker word salutes.

In other words, welcome to the Fantastic Fucking Franchise George Award.

The citation is being given to the Alien franchise, as defined by the original four films.

The new Ridley Scott prequels are good, but they don't qualify for three reasons
1) Prometheus is kind of light on swearing and there aren’t many with great George Award worthiness, while Covenant has such a deluge that nothing really stands out.
2) The cast of characters in those films are explorers and scientists, as opposed to those in the originals who are all groups of professional profanitarians:  Truckers, Marines, Prisoners, and Mercenaries.
3) They lack Ellen Ripley.

It is Sigourney Weaver who not only holds the original four films together by bringing reality and emotion to insane circumstances, but also gets off a minimum of one artistically deadpan “Fuck" in each outing.  

Occasionally she gets in a more emotional ones- plus her co-stars helping out is a bonus, and usually one of them shines in each film.

Alien (1979)
In Space No One Can Hear You “Fuck”

Before getting to the reason for the award, a reminder. While Ripley’s “Get away from her you BITCH!” in the sequel is the greatest use of that expletive in movies, she delivered a similarly epic one when MU/TH/UR refused to abort the self-destruct countdown in the original.

“You BITCH!”

The first Alien is a suspenseful haunted house in space, with a lot of quiet time. 
(A "film for wall enthusiasts," as my impatient daughter describes it.)
There’s some language and filthy suggestions, usually courtesy of Yaphet Kotto as Parker.

The George Worthy moments are all Ripley, though.  

From the calm and deadpan dealing with her irritating engineers, Parker and Brett (Harry Dean Stanton):

Brett- “Look, I'm not gonna do any more work until we get this straightened out.”
Ripley-“Brett, you're guaranteed by law to get a share.”
Parker- *opens a valve blowing out loud steam* “What?”
Ripley- “Why don't you just fuck off?”
Parker “What?”
Brett-“Uh, what'd you say, Rip?”
Ripley- “If you have any trouble, I'll be on the bridge.”

To the fully in command, powerful, and ever increasing in volume- which finally does put Parker in his place and on her side:

“That's the only way!
We'll move in pairs.
We'll go step by step and cut off every bulkhead and every vent until we have it cornered,
and then we'll blow it the fuck out into space.
Is that acceptable to you?”

Aliens (1986)
This Time Its “Fuck”

More Xenomorphs, more action and more profanity. Woo!

Ripley’s deadpan moment is the discovery of Burke’s treachery:

“You know, Burke, I don't know which species is worse.
You don't see them fucking each other over for a goddamn percentage.”

The George Award worthy moments fly fast and free in this one, mostly due to the sadly departed and always awesome Bill Paxton’s incessantly irritating yet lovable Hudson. 

Paxton was also honored by being the only actor to be killed on screen by an Alien, a Predator and a Terminator:  A true honor.  

Some people will tell you Lance Henriksen shared that honor, after Charles Weyland Bishop was slain by a Yautja in Aliens Vs. Predator.  

They are full of shit.

His Detective Vulkovitch was shot to death in the original Terminator, where Paxton played a street punk killed in the Terminator's original clothing aquisition.  But the Android Bishop, while ripped in half by the queen in Aliens continued living afterwards, in Alien3 his loss of function was non-xenomorph related.

Paxton still stands alone, as he should.

His overly bombastic pre fight bluster is a thing of beauty:

“I'm ready, man. 
Check it out!
I am the ultimate badass! 
State of the badass art!
You do not want to fuck with me.
Check it out! 
Hey, Ripley, don't worry.
Me and my squad of ultimate badasses will protect you!
Check it out. 
Independently targeting particle-beam phalanx.
Fry half a city with this puppy.
We got tactical smart missiles, phase plasma pulse rifles, RPGs.
We got sonic, electronic ball-breakers!
We got nukes, we got knives,
sharp sticks...”

Jenette Goldstein as Vasquez joins in to make a sensible recommendation after they get ambushed by the creatures:

“All right. We got seven canisters of CM-20.
I say we roll them in there and nerve gas the whole fuckin' nest.”

But when Ripley calmly recommends even greater overkill, it’s Hudson filling in the final punctuation mark:

Ripley- “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit.
It's the only way to be sure.”
Hudson – “Fuckin’ A!”

Of course, Hudson’s most famous moments of abject panic needs to be mentioned. He may seem cowardly at first, until the viewer pays attention to his orders and tasks. 

The reason for his reaction is clear when you note what his role is-
It’s officially called out as Comm-Tech.

Watch his assignments:  patch in, hack in, log on. 

He’s the IT guy! 

No wonder he loses his shit regularly when face raping, brain eating, space monsters are coming:

Hudson: That's great.
That's just fucking great, man.
Now what the fuck are we supposed to do?
We're in some real pretty shit now, man!
That's it, man. Game over, man. Game over!
What the fuck are we gonna do now?
What are we gonna do?”

Though he does complain a lot, he also does his part for the team and is highly defensive of them. For example, take his reaction to finding out Burke’s unsavory plans for all of them:

“I say we grease this rat-fuck son of a bitch right now!”

And he certainly went out fightin’…and cussin’!

“Come on! Come on!
Come and get it, baby! 
Come on! I don't got all day!
Come on! Come on!
Come on you bastard!
Come on, you too!
Oh, you want some of this?
Fuck you!"

We'll miss you Bill!

The “Fuck” is Back

Ok, this film is a textbook example of a studio interference disaster area.

But it had some cool scares, and great swears!

Ripley’s deadpan moment occurs when discussing options for stopping a new four footed Xenomorph loose in the complex with warden Harold Andrews (Brian Glover of American Werewolf in London fame):

Andrews- “We have some carving knives in the abattoir,
a few more in the mess hall.
Some fire axes scattered about the place - nothing terribly formidable.”
Ripley- “That's all?”
Andrews- “We're on the honor system.”
Ripley- “Then we're fucked.”
Andrews- “No, you’re fucked!”

Two prisoners have nicely placed George worthiness to their speech patterns as well.

Charles S. Dutton as Dillon, the spiritual leader, gets a double off in one hell of a motivational speech:

“You're all gonna die.
The only question is how you check out.
Do you want it on your feet?
Or on your fuckin' knees... begging?
I ain't much for begging!
Nobody ever gave me nothing!
So I say FUCK that thing!
Let's fight it!”

He also goes out with a bang:

“Come on!
That's all you've got?
Is that all that you bite, motherfucker?”

And I’d be remiss to forget Danny Webb as Robert Morse.  When Andrews is pulled into the ceiling and eaten mid speech, leaving a bloody waterfall in the cafeteria, his reaction in the only one possible:


He also gets the last, non-replayed line in the movie, as the final survivor of the prison colony.  He lets the company men know what we all think of them by that point:

“Fuck you!”

Alien Resurrection
Witness the “Fuck”

Personally, I don't get viewers problems with this one. It looks cool, it's action packed, and the cast is a hoot. Evil military, company folk, and scientists are usual for these films, but putting them up against a Xenomorph hybrid Ripley and the crew of the Betty who neither takes shit, or gives a shit about anyone outside their psychotically merry band added a mess of fun to this one.

The more alienized version of Ripley has two deadpan moments this time around.

The first where the mad scientists (J.E. Freeman as Wren and Brad (Chucky, Grima, Bart's Dad) Dourif as Gediman are both deliciously evil) try teaching her to speak and function. Weaver is amazing as usual, looking completely like a little kid in an adult’s body as they work on getting her to say the name of a utensil in a scene matching a situation many parents have experienced, usually in public:

Wren- “Fork”
Ripley 8- “Fuck”

Her second moment comes when she meets up with the crew of the Betty, and makes a request stated as plainly as if she was asking the time:

Ripley 8- “Who do I have to fuck to get off this boat?”
Johner- “I can get you off...
 Maybe not the boat.”

Johner (Ron Perlman) who does most of the George Award based heavy lifting for this one also gets his basketballs smashed by Ripley 8’s shortly before her no look shot, in a moment tying this in to the initial list of the year’s George Awards.

Mr. Perlman has an outstanding moment of grammar and foulness early on addressing Winona Ryder’s Call:
“Don't push me, little Call.
You hang with us for a while,
you'll find out I am not the man with whom to fuck!”

Mighty articulate for a guy who spends most of the scene making monkey noises.

When Call’s cybernetic nature is revealed, Dominique Pinon as Vriess joins in the fun for this entertaining look at the future of the depraved:
Johner- “Hey, Vriess, you got a socket wrench?
Maybe she just needs an oil change.
Can't believe I almost fucked it.”
Vriess- “Yeah, like you never fucked a robot.”

Honestly though, everyone joins in the action for this one.  Perpetual military guy on screen Raymond Cruz gets in a great one when his character of DeStefano finally realizes who the good guys and who the bad guys are, answering Wren’s order politely yet firmly:
“Begging your pardon sir,
but fuck you.”

Finally, we have Leland Orser playing Purvis, who is definitely in the running for “shittiest day in the universe.”  He wakes up in a cryo pod that has been moved to an unknown location in a room where he presumably saw a bunch of face hugging and chest bursting going on. Then some evil scientists and amoral mercenaries discover him and discuss his medical state like he’s not even there.  His increasingly loud and frantic repletion of “What’s inside me?” is ignored, until he reaches a full on panicked scream, which is a GeorgeThomerson level George Award Moment:

“What's in-fucking-side me?”

Congratulations Alien Franchise, you fantastic fucker you!
As a reminder of the massive range of these words, here's a profanity from the film containing that terror filled moment above, which is amazingly sweet and funny. It is presented, yet again, by the outstanding Sigourney Weaver, answering Call’s reason for doing something was that she’s programmed to:

“You're programmed to be an asshole?
You're the new asshole model they're putting out?”

That’s it for the George Awards this year.  

We can always count on Johner for an uplifting and positive final thought:
What a Shithole.”

Thanks again for playing everyone.

The George Awards will return.

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