Christmas Village 2022

A Ruthless H.G. Wellsian Inspired Organization Determined to Rule the Table
Or
America’s Daring, Highly Trained Stuffed Animal Fodder
 

For the Fifteenth Time, (good gravy!) there’s a massive battle for Sluttbordet Plateau. In a rare occurrence, this is a win for the bad guys, because I’m feeling old, tired, cranky and my knees hurt.
 
Cobra’s victory this year stems from Cobra Commander and Serpentor accessing Cobra-La magic to perform a Food of the Gods style size upgrade on various creatures from the Dreadnoks' swamp headquarters. The oversized animals are also mind controlled. If I wasn’t too cheap to pay the overly magnified prices for action figures when they aren’t on sale these days, there may have been a line about Doctor Mindbender as the reason for that element. As it is, the beasties' slavish devotion to Cobra is merely a side effect of the Cobra-La magic.
 

Anabelle being away at college made it easier to steal…
I mean borrow…
her stuffed animals. However it also means we didn’t find another place for the Muppet figures, preventing us setting up a Christmas Superhero display this year.
Alas.
 
 

Following over a decade and a half of embarrassment, the Cobra Dessert Trooper leads the assault, attacking the G.I. Joe Command Vehicle astride the now oversized inexplicably appearing large monitor lizard.  (This year played by Phil.) General Hawk attempts to defend against the onslaught while Breaker radios to coordinate the evacuation. (And I gripe that both of his bubblegum bubbles have vanished over the years. Did I mention that I’m feeling old, tired, cranky and my knees hurt this year?)  Ace preps the Hiss Elimination Sky Striker to get as many Joes out of the region before it is too late. The attack on the Command Vehicle is aided by those two Cobra-La …

Um…
Things!
(Seriously, what the heck are those? They’ve been in the G.I. Joe bin for ages, and I have no idea what they are or where they came from. Any enlightenments would be more than welcome. ) 
The Cobra Ninja force rode along on Lizard Back with the Dessert Trooper. Storm Shadow leaps to attack Cover Girl and Shipwreck as they retreat off of the now reptile stomped Wolverine Missile Tank. Bombstrike has already repositioned herself onto a different Joe Vehicle.
 

While Bombstrike tries to defend against the second prong of the lead Cobra attack (because I accidentally dropped her there and she miraculously stayed up, meaning there was no way I was touching her again), Grunt uses his Mechanical Engineering knowledge (which I will never fail to mention) to prep the High-Speed Extra-dimensional Search Ship. To protect their animal companions from the Cobra-La Magic, Mutt with Junkyard and Spirit Iron Knife with Freedom will be manning that multiverse spanning vessel. Hopefully they will find some help for the Joe team, because I'm certainly not buying a stuffed eagle and dog for jokes as cheap as these are.
(Like…really hopefully, as the evidence of stealing my daughter’s dolls has shown, I am plumb out of ideas for this ridiculousness.)
Grunt needs to stop his technical work to fend off Croc Master riding in on Señora Twinkles McFluffernutter. (This year, played by Topaz. Yes, it was always "Señor Twinkles McFluffernutter" but the role has been recast with a woman. "Making a more inclusive cast... Topaz is inspiring all the young crocodile girls (even though she's an alligator)." - Anabelle) 

The MARS Corporation group are along for the ride with Croc Master. Destro, one of his Iron Grenadiers and the Baroness have disembarked (or is that disemcrocked) to spread out the assault. Luckily, the preparations of the ship continue as SCUBA Steve works on the craft. 

(Anabelle has never seen Big Daddy but fell in love with the name when she was teeny after winning him as some game arcade prize thing. I have no idea why he’s in the G. I. Joe bin either, but I didn’t notice he fell out until I was finished setting up and put everything away, so here is his FIRST APPEARANCE!

Did I mention feeling old, tired, cranky and my knees hurt this year?)
 

On the back half of one of the front line ginormous reptiles, are the two Battle Android Troopers that Destro brought along with him. (Or one B.A.T. and a crappy Spy Troops figure that needed a role assignment, anyway.) They’re going after Clutch, who is still totally not an extra Breaker figure I drew stubble on with a sharpie. He and the RAM Cycle were smashed under Señora Twinkles McFluffernutter’s tail trying to attack the behemoth from behind. Scarlet and Snake Eyes attempt to rescue Clutch while Generic Cobra Ninja 57-B slides off the other cold blooded tail to join the fight. Jinx will likely deal with him after facing Firefly with her new, oversized two handed sword.

(Because I know I found her normal sized sword after I cleaned up last year…yet I have absolutely no idea where the heck I stored it “so I’ll find it easily next time.” Did I mention feeling old, tired, cranky and my knees hurt this year?)

 

Over at the Barbecue’s fire truck, the first elements of the Joe evacuation from the Plateau can be seen. As usual, Billy, Blaine and Mac from Predator are on the ladder. (And no, I am never giving up that lame joke.) Bad news for those manliest of men, a Cobra Viper has beaten them to the base of the ladder by sliding down Bob the Snake. (This year played by… Bob the Snake.) Barbecue and Beachhead are desperately fighting to free the truck from Bob’s massive and powerful coils. Roadblock is trying to help from the sick bay as well. Roadblock is in sick bay because of an injury in a previous battle, not because as the figures get older they stretch, preventing them from holding weapons and balancing on their stands, leading me to toss him across the room in a cloud of profanity after he fell off the table completely for the sixth time.

(Did I mention feeling old, tired, cranky and my knees hurt this year?)
 

Up on Sluttbordet Plateau itself is the front end of Bob the Snake being ridden by Major Bludd. Bob is forcing the Joe Heavy Weapons Group to retreat but also is blocking off their route to a nearby evacuation vehicle. Gung Ho and Bazooka check the ladder for room to descend, standing next to a suspiciously Roadblock shaped empty space.  A second Cobra Viper is poised and ready to slide down Bob to the Fire Truck. 

Snow Job (Yes… Snow Job) is backed up by Stalker (because he always looks cool standing there) and steadily losing ground in a delaying tactic even though he is aided by a pair of Combat Snow Plows. The Plows are being pushed back by Cobra Officer Bertram astride Fluffy. (This year played by... 

I have no idea what I named him. I guess it is Fluffy.) 

The Snow Serpent came along only to laugh at Snow Job apparently. (In an unrelated question, do you people have any idea how hard it is to balance old action figures on buckling fluffy cotton and not have them look silly?)
 

The escape vehicle that Bob is blocking the path to so well is Wild Bill’s Helicopter Extraction Shipping Service. Flash has been cut off from the rest of the Heavy Weapons Group and is ineffectively trying to laser Bob out of their way. Flint and Lady Jaye were supposed to be coordinating the rescue, but they are crappy Spy Troops figures, and standing or even sitting up is enough of a problem for them at the moment. (Did I mention feeling old, tired, cranky and my knees hurt this year?)
 

Over at the Cobra Command Truck, spirits are high and the celebrations are underway. Cobra Commander confers with Tomax and Xamot about future plans, making sure to keep their bases hidden behind the Command Truck walls, as I embarrassingly still have no idea which of them is which. Serpentor is channeling the Cobra-La energy... 

or waving at his troops... 

or sulking because the little plastic snakes that hold his cape on broke.

Moving on.

The Crimson Guardsmen are much more relaxed than usual at their posts, and not only because of the buckling fluffy cotton. With the giant animals winning the day for Cobra, the Bazooka Trooper and the Cobra Claw wielding the U.L.G have been pulled back for guard duty as well. Wild Weasel, for the fourteenth year in a row, is fixing the Trubble Bubble’s engines, for I am still too lazy to hang the Tele Viper's vehicle from above. (Not to mention the flat, “No… you won’t” that Rosa gives me every year when I say, “I don’t think I’ll put any strings on the ceiling," again.) 

Scrap Iron is using this down time to fix his Portable Missile Launcher that falls apart EVERY STINKING TIME HE TRIES TO SET IT UP!!! (Did I mention feeling old, tired, cranky and my knees hurt this year?)
 
With Bob busy engaging with the Fire Truck, and Fluffy tied up facing a pair of Combat Snow Plows, what could possibly have been powerful enough to rout the entire G. I. Joe Heavy Weapons Group so completely?
 
 

The Dreadnoks have traded in their Swamp Truck for a Giant Swamp Boar (This year played by, in his amazing cross over from music videos to war movies debut, PIGEON!) Buzzer, Ripper and Torch sit astride the Porcine of Mass Destruction, who is led into the fray by the plumb scented (for reasons it continues to not be worth going into) Zanya.  Zartan is helping to direct the charge from the side…
Or maybe he’s working with Serpentor to channel the Cobra-La magic…
Or maybe he’s doing the mambo.
He’s definitely not there because he’s a crappy Spy Troops figure that fell off every possible place I tried to put him to show him in command of this charge.
Oh look, there’s Duke, who jetpacked in behind enemy lines to …
Uh…
Help extract people, or something.
And his random location has nothing to do with me forgetting his flag lives with my World War II planes and I had to go downstairs to get it very late in the process.
 

I believe the moral of this year’s battle is:
I am old, tired, cranky and my knees hurt.

 
Will the Joes be able to get away from the giant creatures attacking them, considering neither side can move?
 
Will the onslaught be foiled when Anabelle gets home from college and demands her stuffed animals back?
 
Will a miracle happen and SCUBA Steve will return from the multiverse with a half-decent idea for next year, because I got nothin’?
 
Tune in during the 2023 Holiday Season and find out!

Disclaimer- only Topaz and Pigeon are stolen from Anabelle. 

To absolutely no one's shock, Phil, Fluffy, Bob and whatever the heck those things in front of the Joe Command Vehicle are belong to me. 

(As do the action figures, but I shouldn't need to explain that at all by now.)
 
Merry Everything Everyone!

And…

COOOOOO-BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

 Click here for other Christmas related posts, and the entire goofy name generating, running gag filled history of conflict over this plateau.