Christmas Village 2023

A Mesozoic Daring, Highly Trained Special Mission Force

or

A Ruthless Terrorist Organization, Determined to Be Hos D'oeuvres 

This year's annual battle is introduced by the Marvel Legends' interpretation of the Radio City Rockettes' "New York at Christmas" Production Number.  

Around the Hess Tour bus are Enchantress, Scarlett Witch, Mantis, White Tiger, Dazzler (here for every Christmas, by law) Elektra, Polaris and Thundra.  

A big thank you to Anabelle for completely ignoring me when I said, 

"You'll never get that many Marvel Super Women figures to stand up."

Granted, they did go over like dominos after she went back to school, adding extensively to the holiday profanity party as I tried to fix them.

Anyway- on to the battle!

Cobra had a decisive victory on Sluttbordet Plateau last year. In fact, it was an unabashed win, as a lone Crimson Guardsman hid in a cave under the plateau for months after all evidence of the skirmish had passed. (Until Rosa found him vacuuming.) He lay full claim to the territory when the coast was clear.

CO-BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Clearly the G. I. Joe team was in need of some powerful allies for a comeback.

to protect Freedom and Democracy.

In the previous loss, (or possibly the overfilled storage bin in the attic) the Wolverine Missile Tank was damaged beyond usability. Fortunately, the Joes are working with a new and organic kind of armor for this outing. Instead of his usual proud stance on foot, General Hawk sits atop a Giganotosaurus, while conferring with Doctors Grant, Sattler and Malcom on the best ways to work with the team's latest, prehistoric allies. Grunt rides an Acrocanthosaurus over to toss his Mechanical Engineering skills into the vehicular repair work. Clutch is driving in on the RAM Cycle to help as well. He is joined by a Deltadromeus. This is because that dinosaur has a large brain size to body weight ratio and may be helpful with simple mechanical tasks, and clearly not because I completely forgot about the motorcycle riding member of the team until I was done with the set up after all the better known dinosaurs were selected, and there was minimal space to squeeze anything else in, because dinosaurs are big.

Always ready to relay General Hawk's orders to the squads, communications expert Breaker is nearby. This year he finally gets involved in the combat, as the powerful foot claws of his Yutyrannus have caught Generic Cobra Ninja 57-B attempting a desperate, behind enemy lines, sneak attack. Nearby, Ace is busy modifying the Hiss Elimination Sky Striker jet to allow tandem flight with a Pteranodon to coordinate aerial strikes.

Billy from Predator (to continue a joke only I find amusing) is the first seen of the G.I. Joe Heavy Weapons Sauropod Riders. It would have been nice to get him in the same shot with his co-stars, but dinosaurs are big. He and his spiked Amargasaurus have flattened Wild Weasel as he tries to run from a nearby crash. The Cobra pilot hitched a ride with the Televiper in the Trubble Bubble after being forced to eject in an air combat that would require far more effort than I'm ever going to put into this ridiculous thing to show. The Trubble Bubble itself was brought down by the combined efforts of Spirit's traditional eagle friend Freedom, and his new friend, the Quetzalcoatlus, which may be the largest flying animal to ever live on this planet. Woo!

In the center of the Joe base camp is an effect of our heroes' onslaught with their new, powerful, no longer extinct allies. Destro, always far brighter than the entire Cobra Command structure, has come into enemy territory to surrender before getting chewed up and spit out along with the Baroness and his last remaining Iron Grenadier. Taking them into custody are more of the G.I. Joe Heavy Weapons Sauropod Riders awaiting an airlift to the top of Sluttbordet Plateau. (As I couldn't fit them all up there, because dinosaurs are big.) The members of the MARS Corporation are surrounded by Mac on his Mamenchisaurus, Blaine on a Diploducus, and Sergeant Flash atop a Saltasaur. Since Flash's laser gun doesn't have any recoil, he has no issue remaining stable on the small (but armored) member of the saurichian clade.

And, once again, I feel like I may have overthought things.

Barbecue is maintaining his firetruck as an access point to the Plateau per usual. He's seated on a Stegosaurus, because someone had to befriend the animal my daughter constantly accuses me of riding to school on since I am "a fossil." Barbecue is spending most of his time counseling the inexplicably appearing large monitor lizard and preventing him from having any feelings of inadequacy when compared to the Joes' mounts, because dinosaurs are big. With the surrender of Destro, Flint and his Ceratosaurus and Lady Jaye riding the Albertosaurus oversee bringing the decommissioned and prone Battle Android Troopers into the firetruck's bay... 

Because even with awesome dinosaurs everywhere, Spy Troops figures still suck.

Hey look on the ladder!  HI SCUBA STEVE!!!!!

Moving on.

Wild Bill is coordinating the G. I. Joe Heavy Weapons Sauropod Riders air lift with the expanded fleet of the Helicopter Extraction Shipping Service. Firefly tried some of his usual covert shenanigans to wreck the Joe supply lines, but Bill stomped him flat with his Gryposaurus. I am fully aware the duckbill doesn't align with any of the other groups of dinosaurs used in the battle, but I couldn't very well ignore the one hand-picked for my family by Doctor Robert Bakker, could I?

Up on Sluttbordet Plateau, things have gone poorly for Major Bludd's attempted high explosive counteroffensive. His associates, the Cobra CLAW with the U.L.G. and the Cobra Bazooka Trooper have been ground under the feet of the G.I. Joe Heavy Weapons Sauropod Riders, specifically Gung Ho's Camarasaur, and Bazooka's Apatosaurus.

Meanwhile, the final member of the G.I. Joe Heavy Weapons Sauropod Riders, needs a separate look, because dinosaurs are big. Roadblock and the mighty feet of his Brachiosaurus have stomped Scrap Iron and his artillery launcher into the snow.

There are heavy weapons, and there are HEAVY WEAPONS.

Zartan and the Dreadnoks are having an equally terrible day compared to their Cobra allies. The Joe Shinobi Ceratopsian Squad have overturned their Swamp Truck and stampeded Zartan, Torch, Buzzer and Ripper beneath them . Only the plumb scented (for reasons it continues to not be worth going into) Zanya was able to scramble to safety. (Even I wouldn't sink low enough to trample Anabelle's doll.) Jinx on her Diabloceratops, Snake Eyes on his Triceratops, Scarlett on her Styracosaurus, Beachhead on his Pentaceratops  and Storm Shadow on his Pachyrhinosaurus haven't finished yet though, as they charge after an escapee from the Swamp Truck.

The Joe Shinobi Ceratopsian Squad won't have to charge too far however. While an obvious choice, Shipwreck certainly couldn't ride a Kronosaurus or other giant sea lizard onto a snow covered plateau. 

Let's not be silly now.

Therefore he sits astride the massive Cretaceous Crocodilian- Deinosuchus. Croc Master  and his pet Señora Twinkles McFluffernutter ran out of the overturned Dreadnok vehicle and directly into the monstrous jaws that showed them who really was the Master Croc. 

Sergeant Stalker always looked the coolest running and leading troops into battle on Sluttbordett Plateau. How could that be improved on?

Easily! 

By having him lead charging into battle on an Allosaurus! The hapless Cobra Desert Trooper desperately wants reassignment yet again as he has fallen prey to Stalker's Jurassic hunter.

With the Wolverine Missile Tank out of action, alternate armor was required. Bombstrike and Cover Girl ride on two Ankylosaurs (a Euplocephalus and Ankylosaurus, for anyone who hasn't gotten bored with my prehistoric geeking out yet.) The mighty tail club of Cover Girl's steed is what put the final kibosh on Major Bludd and his counter charge. The armor column is bolstered by a pair of Nodosaurs. This is to insure extra spiked flank protection and had nothing to do with me not knowing which dinosaurs the figures would balance on and a total lack of desire to go up and down the stairs any more times. (*Whistles quietly*) 

The Armored Assault Animals are smashing through the admittedly understaffed Cobra line of two Vipers. 

Another vehicle was left behind... because dinosaurs are big. 

I mean... because the Joes wanted a consistent attack. Snow Job (Yes... Snow Job) has traded in his Combat Snow Plow for the massive claws of a Therizinosaurus, which have easily slashed down his snow trained rival, the Cobra Snow Serpent, as it tows Snow Job across the plateau.

The G. I. Joe assault has driven all the way to the Cobra Command Truck! Due to his excellent animal handling skills, Mutt, along with the ever faithful Junkyard has herded the smaller carnivorous theropods in a straight on attack through the Cobra leadership defenses. 

Again, I may have overthought things. 

A group of Procompsognathus swarm over the recently celebrating Crimson Guardsmen, while a pack of Deinonychus (what the Jurassic Park film "raptors" are closest to- said the dinosaur geek) tear through their leaders, the Crimson Twins- Tomax and Xamot. (He said, deftly avoiding having to know which is which for another year.) The much larger than in the films' version Dilophosaurus needs no frills nor poison spit to give Cobra Officer Betram additional scars.

I'm sure the question on everyone's mind (likely because I am overly into dinosaurs and also insane) is how did it take until the sixteenth tussle for this section of real estate until the G. I Joe team realized what an obvious alliance this would be. (Especially since the Carnegie Dinosaurs are the first things I bought with my first "real job" paycheck over thirty years ago.) The problem (for my twisted brain) has always been a lack of a decent explanation as to why the scale of the dinosaurs doesn't match that of the G.I. Joes. 

The answer is naturally:

They are not "real" dinosaurs. Instead they are the clones from Dinobot Island, led here by G. I. Joe ally, Grimlock! The valiant, if occasionally slow witted, Autobot chomps heartily on Cobra Commander and  answers the terrorist leader's boasts of supremacy with, 

"You Wrong! and You Ugly Too!!!"

To signal total victory, the G. I. Joe field leader plants the American Flag proudly atop the Cobra Command Truck after jetpacking off of his mount. The final leader face off has the only two free standing figures this year, which I thought would vastly reduce the amount of profanity needed to get everyone in position...

Then I tried balancing action figures on dinosaurs.

Perhaps it was best that I was home alone for set up time this year.

Dinosaurs are big... but they are also not flat.

Speaking of dinosaurs (which I do constantly), Duke's trusty Tyrannosaurus Rex is closing out the Joe victory by snacking on the head of Cobra Emperor, Serpentor.

But wait!!!!!

How did Grimlock lead all these prehistoric clones all the way to the isolation of Sluttbordet Plateau?

Easy!

They hitched a ride on the- 

TA DA!

Hess Boat

HESS BOAT!!!!

HESS BOAT!!!!!!!!

Seriously, mere words and pictures cannot capture the pure ecstasy Anabelle reached when learning that finally, after years and years of praying to the Hess gods, they released a Hess Boat. It took hours for her to text anything other than incoherent garbles of characters to anyone when she became aware of it. That is why the "Under the Peruvian Table Normal Village" had to be the stopping off point on the way from Dinobot Island, to allow Anabelle to include in her set up the Glory that is the HESS BOAT.

The residents of the Village seem a little less pleased to have a Parasourolophus (Anabelle's favorite dinosaur, don't you have one?)   a Pachycephalosaurus, a Carnotaurus, and a Dimetrodon (both of our favorite proto-mammal... don't you have one?) rampaging through their town on the way to the  

HESS BOAT!!!!!!!

Will Cobra be able to rally from being mashed flat and devoured?

Will I ever come up with an idea that actually fits on that end table?

Will there be a hope in heck I can get all of these creatures in place back on the shelves they usually live on?

Tune in next year and find out!

The reason it was so easy to figure out how to incorporate and write about the new elements this go around is I've always known a lot about dinosaurs...

And knowing 

(about dinosaurs)

Is half the battle!

G! I! JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!!!

and a Hess BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAT!!!!!

 

Click here for other Christmas related posts, and the entire goofy name generating, running gag filled history of conflict over this plateau.