This post contains
bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your
spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace
without honor.”
This is not a post
for children. Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a
post for those adults who are offended by this type of language. Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my
cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything
else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.
This
year’s George Awards continue with special achievements to make up for a
bunch of weaker word salutes.
In
other words, welcome to the Fantastic Fucking Franchise George Award.
The
citation is being given to the Alien franchise, as defined by the original four
films.
The
new Ridley Scott prequels are good, but they don't qualify for three reasons
1)
Prometheus is kind of light on
swearing and there aren’t many with great George Award worthiness, while Covenant has such a deluge that nothing
really stands out.
2)
The cast of characters in those films are explorers and scientists, as opposed to those
in the originals who are all groups of professional profanitarians: Truckers, Marines, Prisoners, and
Mercenaries.
3)
They lack Ellen Ripley.
It
is Sigourney Weaver who not only holds the original four films together by
bringing reality and emotion to insane circumstances, but also gets off a
minimum of one artistically deadpan “Fuck" in each outing.
Occasionally
she gets in a more emotional ones- plus her co-stars helping out is a bonus, and
usually one of them shines in each film.
Alien
(1979)
In Space No One Can
Hear You “Fuck”
Before
getting to the reason for the award, a reminder. While Ripley’s “Get away from
her you BITCH!” in the sequel is the greatest use of that expletive in movies,
she delivered a similarly epic one when MU/TH/UR refused to abort the self-destruct
countdown in the original.
The
first Alien is a suspenseful haunted
house in space, with a lot of quiet time.
(A "film for wall enthusiasts," as my impatient daughter describes it.)
There’s
some language and filthy suggestions, usually courtesy of Yaphet Kotto as
Parker.
The
George Worthy moments are all Ripley, though.
From the calm and deadpan dealing with her irritating engineers, Parker and Brett (Harry Dean Stanton):
From the calm and deadpan dealing with her irritating engineers, Parker and Brett (Harry Dean Stanton):
Brett- “Look, I'm not
gonna do any more work until we get this straightened out.”
Ripley-“Brett, you're
guaranteed by law to get a share.”
Parker- *opens a valve blowing out loud steam* “What?”
Parker “What?”
Brett-“Uh, what'd you
say, Rip?”
Ripley- “If you have
any trouble, I'll be on the bridge.”
To
the fully in command, powerful, and ever increasing in volume- which finally
does put Parker in his place and on her side:
We'll move in pairs.
We'll go step by step
and cut off every bulkhead and every vent until we have it cornered,
and then we'll blow
it the fuck out into space.
Is that acceptable to
you?”
Aliens (1986)
This Time Its “Fuck”
More
Xenomorphs, more action and more profanity. Woo!
Ripley’s
deadpan moment is the discovery of Burke’s treachery:
You don't see them
fucking each other over for a goddamn percentage.”
The
George Award worthy moments fly fast and free in this one, mostly due to the sadly departed and always awesome Bill
Paxton’s incessantly irritating yet lovable Hudson.
Paxton was also honored by being the only actor to be killed on screen by an Alien, a Predator and a Terminator: A true honor.
Some people will tell you Lance Henriksen shared that honor, after Charles Weyland Bishop was slain by a Yautja in Aliens Vs. Predator.
They are full of shit.
His Detective Vulkovitch was shot to death in the original Terminator, where Paxton played a street punk killed in the Terminator's original clothing aquisition. But the Android Bishop, while ripped in half by the queen in Aliens continued living afterwards, in Alien3 his loss of function was non-xenomorph related.
Paxton still stands alone, as he should.
Paxton was also honored by being the only actor to be killed on screen by an Alien, a Predator and a Terminator: A true honor.
Some people will tell you Lance Henriksen shared that honor, after Charles Weyland Bishop was slain by a Yautja in Aliens Vs. Predator.
They are full of shit.
His Detective Vulkovitch was shot to death in the original Terminator, where Paxton played a street punk killed in the Terminator's original clothing aquisition. But the Android Bishop, while ripped in half by the queen in Aliens continued living afterwards, in Alien3 his loss of function was non-xenomorph related.
Paxton still stands alone, as he should.
His
overly bombastic pre fight bluster is a thing of beauty:
“I'm ready, man.
Check it out!
Check it out!
I am the ultimate
badass!
State of the badass art!
State of the badass art!
You do not want to
fuck with me.
Check it out!
Hey, Ripley, don't worry.
Me and my squad of ultimate badasses will protect you!
Hey, Ripley, don't worry.
Me and my squad of ultimate badasses will protect you!
Independently targeting particle-beam phalanx.
WHAP!
Fry half a city with
this puppy.
We got tactical smart
missiles, phase plasma pulse rifles, RPGs.
We got sonic,
electronic ball-breakers!
We got nukes, we got
knives,
sharp sticks...”
Jenette
Goldstein as Vasquez joins in to make a sensible recommendation after they get ambushed by
the creatures:
I say we roll them in
there and nerve gas the whole fuckin' nest.”
But
when Ripley calmly recommends even greater overkill, it’s Hudson filling in the
final punctuation mark:
It's the only way to
be sure.”
Hudson – “Fuckin’ A!”
Of
course, Hudson’s most famous moments of abject panic needs to be mentioned.
He may seem cowardly at first, until the viewer pays attention to his orders and tasks.
The reason for his reaction is clear when you note what his role is-
The reason for his reaction is clear when you note what his role is-
It’s
officially called out as Comm-Tech.
Watch
his assignments: patch in, hack in, log
on.
He’s the IT guy!
No wonder he loses his shit regularly when face raping, brain eating, space monsters are coming:
Hudson: That's great.
That's just fucking
great, man.
Now what the fuck are
we supposed to do?
We're in some real
pretty shit now, man!
What the fuck are we
gonna do now?
What are we gonna do?”
Though he does complain a lot, he also does his part for the team and is highly
defensive of them. For example, take his reaction to finding out Burke’s
unsavory plans for all of them:
And
he certainly went out fightin’…and cussin’!
Come and get it,
baby!
Come on! I don't got all day!
Come on! I don't got all day!
Come on! Come on!
Come on you bastard!
Come on, you too!
Oh, you want some of
this?
Fuck you!"
We'll miss you Bill!
Alien3
The “Fuck” is Back
Ok,
this film is a textbook example of a studio interference disaster area.
But
it had some cool scares, and great swears!
Ripley’s
deadpan moment occurs when discussing options for stopping a new four footed
Xenomorph loose in the complex with warden Harold Andrews (Brian Glover of American Werewolf in London fame):
Andrews- “We have
some carving knives in the abattoir,
a few more in the
mess hall.
Some fire axes
scattered about the place - nothing terribly formidable.”
Ripley- “That's all?”
Andrews- “We're on
the honor system.”
Andrews- “No, you’re
fucked!”
Two prisoners have nicely placed George worthiness to their speech patterns as well.
Charles
S. Dutton as Dillon, the spiritual leader, gets a double off in one hell of a
motivational speech:
The only question is
how you check out.
Do you want it on
your feet?
Or on your fuckin'
knees... begging?
I ain't much for
begging!
Nobody ever gave me
nothing!
So I say FUCK that
thing!
Let's fight it!”
He
also goes out with a bang:
That's all you've
got?
Is that all that you
bite, motherfucker?”
And
I’d be remiss to forget Danny Webb as Robert Morse. When Andrews is pulled into the ceiling and
eaten mid speech, leaving a bloody waterfall in the cafeteria, his reaction in
the only one possible:
He
also gets the last, non-replayed line in the movie, as the final survivor of
the prison colony. He lets the company
men know what we all think of them by that point:
Alien Resurrection
Witness the “Fuck”
Personally,
I don't get viewers problems with this one. It looks cool, it's action
packed, and the cast is a hoot. Evil military, company folk, and scientists are
usual for these films, but putting them up against a Xenomorph hybrid Ripley
and the crew of the Betty who neither takes shit, or gives a shit about anyone
outside their psychotically merry band added a mess of fun to this one.
The
more alienized version of Ripley has two deadpan moments this time around.
The
first where the mad scientists (J.E. Freeman as Wren and Brad (Chucky, Grima, Bart's Dad) Dourif as Gediman
are both deliciously evil) try teaching her to speak and function. Weaver
is amazing as usual, looking completely like a little kid in an adult’s body as
they work on getting her to say the name of a utensil in a scene matching a situation many
parents have experienced, usually in public:
Ripley 8- “Fuck”
Her
second moment comes when she meets up with the crew of the Betty, and makes a
request stated as plainly as if she was asking the time:
Johner- “I can get
you off...
Maybe not the boat.”
Maybe not the boat.”
Johner
(Ron Perlman) who does most of the George Award based heavy lifting for this
one also gets his basketballs smashed by Ripley 8’s shortly before her no look
shot, in a moment tying this in to the initial list of the year’s George
Awards.
Mr.
Perlman has an outstanding moment of grammar and foulness early on addressing
Winona Ryder’s Call:
You hang with us for
a while,
you'll find out I am
not the man with whom to fuck!”
Mighty
articulate for a guy who spends most of the scene making monkey noises.
When
Call’s cybernetic nature is revealed, Dominique Pinon as Vriess joins in the
fun for this entertaining look at the future of the depraved:
Maybe she just needs
an oil change.
Can't believe I
almost fucked it.”
Vriess- “Yeah, like
you never fucked a robot.”
Honestly
though, everyone joins in the action for this one. Perpetual military guy on screen Raymond Cruz
gets in a great one when his character of DeStefano finally realizes who the
good guys and who the bad guys are, answering Wren’s order politely yet firmly:
but fuck you.”
Finally,
we have Leland Orser playing Purvis, who is definitely in the running for
“shittiest day in the universe.” He
wakes up in a cryo pod that has been moved to an unknown location in a room
where he presumably saw a bunch of face hugging and chest bursting going on.
Then some evil scientists and amoral mercenaries discover him and discuss his
medical state like he’s not even there.
His increasingly loud and frantic repletion of “What’s inside me?” is
ignored, until he reaches a full on panicked scream, which is a GeorgeThomerson level George Award Moment:
Congratulations
Alien Franchise, you fantastic fucker you!
As a reminder of the massive range
of these words, here's a profanity from the film containing that
terror filled moment above, which is amazingly sweet and funny. It is presented,
yet again, by the outstanding Sigourney Weaver, answering Call’s reason for
doing something was that she’s programmed to:
You're the new
asshole model they're putting out?”
That’s it for the George Awards this year.
We can always count on Johner for an uplifting and positive final thought:
We can always count on Johner for an uplifting and positive final thought:
What a Shithole.”
Thanks again for playing everyone.
The George Awards will return.
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