Monday, September 16, 2019

The Litany of Godzilla: Reiwa Series- Static Battles

Godzilla: The Planet Eater

The Space Dwarves on the Escape Earth Ark are hacked off at Hero Captain Haruo for blowing up their guys in Mechagodzilla City instead of killing Godzilla.  The humans on the Escape Earth Ark point out that the Space Dwarves wanted to destroy the planet to do it.

The humans have the moral high ground, but the Space Dwarves have the engine room and turn off the power.  The Escape Earth Ark is now dead in space, so at least they can’t abandon the few Dregs left on the surface.

Hero Captain Haruo learns that Coma Girlfriend is being kept alive by the nanometal but her brain is dead, and the Gray Dusty Tribe's healing techniques protected everyone they treated from the nanometal. You’d think that would mean they could cure Coma Girlfriend, but that would put a spark of hopefulness into this slow and depressing narrative and we can’t have that. He also learns the Space Dwarves want his hide, so he goes to hide that hide in Space Elf’s Creepy Cave.

Space Elf convinces the Dregs in his creepy cave they were saved through divine intervention, bringing all of them into his religion.  The Space Elves have been converting humans to their faith the whole time, but even for these movies it was dull so I forgot to mention it.

Space Elf tells Less and Less of a Hero Captain Haruo that his hatred of Godzilla is a key element in bringing their god to earth. This sounds like a bad idea. 

The Telepathic Dusty Gray Native Twin that didn't heal Hero Captain Haruo tries to play “hide the Kaiju” with him, but he stops her.  Not because Coma Girlfriend is still in his every thought, or THAT SHE LOOKS TWELVE but that he figures out that she isn’t the one that helped him, because she doesn’t know how to get him out of his spacesuit.

Then he finds the Telepathic Dusty Gray Native Twin that did help him and despite the previously mentioned Coma Girlfriend and LOOKS TWELVE issues, Infants her Island.

The jilted Telepathic Dusty Gray Native Twin telepathically eavesdrops on some Space Elf telepathy and learns their whole plan, including the amazing revelation that summoning Ghidorah is a horrendously bad thing.

Yes, the Space Dwarves, who were only going to chrome plate the earth are now looking better by comparison since we learn the Space Elf religion is a Death Cult trying to summon the thing that destroyed their world, Ghidorah, to destroy the planet and everyone and everything anywhere remotely near it.

Telepathic Dusty Gray Native Twin telepathically warns her sister and Even Less of a Hero Captain Haruo, before Space Elf breaks up the fake Shobjin set before they can think about doing anything moth related, leaving her dead in a fountain. 
Hey kids, a cartoon!

Space Elf does his ritual, linking with the Space Elf who has converts on the Escape Earth Ark.  Shadows of Ghidorah heads appear in the Creepy Cave and kill most of the Dregs left on earth.  They are the lucky ones.

Black Holes open above the earth, and lightningy Ghidorah heads snake out veeeery slowly so as to prevent any drama or excitement, surround and blow up the no longer going to Escape Earth Ark.  No we will never see Ghidorah’s body. Don't be silly.

Godzilla is there, since someone finally remembered he is in the title of this movie.

What follows is the most massively static and immobile Kaiju battle in cinema history.

Once again, only lightningy Ghidorah’s heads snake out of black holes (now in the atmosphere) veeeery slowly so as to prevent any drama or excitement.  They bite the Big G, who roars a lot, but since Ghidorah is poking out from another dimension, he’s intangible. (Which doesn’t explain how he crushes space ships or bites, but never mind that now).

Godzilla swats right through the necks doing nothing while he stands there bitten and draining for a long and uneventful time.

Probably Not a Hero Captain Haruo is kept by Space Elf to fuel whatever it is he’s doing.  The big egg finally comes into the plot. No it doesn't hatch, don't be ridiculous.  The remaining Telepathic Dusty Gray Native Twin teams up with one of the five or six Dregs left and touches the egg to make a shadow moth that sends a mental message to Why Do We Even Care About Hero Captain Haruo.

Through this he learns that the Space Elf Death Cult was responsible for the old people exploding in movie number one to “save” them, and that Space Elf’s power over Ghidorah might just be contained in the glowing rune stone he shoved in his skull in place of one of his eyes.  They also remind him that his name means “Spring.” Admittedly, I had no idea, but you’d think he’d know Japanese.

In a brief bit of anime flashing, cut scene style action, he breaks free of Space Elf control, and shoves his thumbs into Space Elf’s eyes in a completely heroic fashion, breaking the glowing rune stone.

Despite having his digits recently shoved into Space Elf’s gray matter, Why Even Bother With Hero Captain Haruo is shocked when Space Elf dies, and even though his hatred summoned the beast, is additionally shocked that Space Elf says Ghidorah will always be watching him.

Oh yeah, with the magic eye rock broken, Godzilla very briefly smacks the lightningy Ghidorah heads off him, breathe/shoots at the black holes, and vanquishes his foe.

The last couple Dreg representatives of humanity join the Gray Dusty Tribe.  The guy who helped with egg telepathy gets the last remaining Vulture robot working again with the nanometal from Coma Girlfriend, which isn’t gross or creepy at all.  He claims due to this grave robbing technique, civilization could be rebuilt.

Definitely Not a Hero Captain Haruo flashes back to Space Elf’s warning.  Then he takes Coma Girlfriend into the last Vulture, and kamikazes into Godzilla, abandoning the now pregnant AND STILL TWELVE YEAR OLD LOOKING Telepathic Gray Native Twin.

Post Credits Scene- Now a grandmother (so she’s probably, what? all of thirty-six) Telepathic Gray Native Twin  watches the descendants of her tribe (and the three surviving Dregs) have a fire side ceremony honoring an image of So Totally Not a Hero Captain Haruo.

Luckily, the American films are finally good, and rumor is Toho is cranking up to make real ones again.

There was enough depressing and boring in these to rival a film festival of romantic dramas.

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