Litany of Godzilla – Lost Legendarys (C)

Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire

2024

Sometimes I don't notice how much insane stuff happens in these films until I write them up like this.

This is truly a Kong story, but with proper deference to Godzilla as the King of Monsters.

Three years after their last fight, because they've finally started to "get it," 

we open on scenes of Kong and Godzilla with NO PEOPLE. WOO!

Kong is establishing dominance in Hollow Earth. It's not clear about that at first because he appears to be running for his life from a pack of hyaena / wolf/ lizard... things. (*googles quickly*)  I mean Death Jackals or is it Wartdogs? Pick a name guys. Kong looks trapped in a dead end, however, Kong is a Thinking Animal and has set up various traps, which either knock the creatures down a giant hole, or bury them under a landslide.

Kong rips one in half over his head (Titan Guts!) as a show of triumph. After a follow up waterfall shower, Kong tries to eat in peace, but has part of his food stolen by... Doug. Kong is clearly getting up there in age, is lonely, and has a damaged tooth. His quick dash to check on what sounds like a roar of his species is, in fact, (and I am not making this up) an inflatable, multicolored Parrot Frog.

Awwwwwww. How sad.

Science Mom is back and delivers a huge exposition dump, to give us something to listen to while the credits roll.

Godzilla is maintaining his role as the King of Monsters, stopping Kumonga, sorry, stopping Scylla - the giant tentacle faced spider Titan- from smashing up Rome. Granted, The battle damages Rome quite a bit on its own, and Godzilla's finishing move coats a large swath of the city in spider-monster innards. (Titan Guts!) Having completed his duty, the Big G takes a nap in the Colosseum, because as we long suspected, Godzilla is Italian. (Loud, scary but good hearted, eats a lot, likes naps, protects those he considers "family," name ends in a vowel.)

Down in the Hollow Earth, the base (Outpost One) picks up a signal of Three Peaks while a giant sinkhole opens under Kong's pit trap. These will likely be important shortly.
 
Jia is back! Woo! She doesn't fit in well in school. (awww.) because she is the last of her tribe. (AWWWW) For reasons that won't be clear for a while, she draws the "Three Peaks" image on her desk. 

(In the background we see one of the kids made a cardboard diorama of monsters on pyramids... hmmmmm.) 

Science Mom has a rough parent teacher conference, and a rough chat with her daughter, but recognizes the Three Peaks. Unfortunately, the Hollow Earth Outpost One seems to be gone. There's just enough Science Mom and Jira heartfelt time to establish their bond, before we start to get bored and miss the monsters. Science Mom livens things up by asking Fun Conspiracy Guy for help, cementing the combination of entertaining members of Team Godzilla and Team Kong from the last go around. I miss Madison, but maybe she'll come back next time now that Stranger Things is done filming.

Godzilla wakes up and leaves the city with a purpose. Even though the route he takes is mostly through the river, it continues to be a bad day for Rome. Science Mom says everything will be fine, as long as Kong stays off the surface.

To no one's surprise, Kong emerges on the surface because of his toothache. Luckily, our Combined Team has a new and awesome member, Lunatic Veterinarian. Not only does he replace Kong's tooth with a metal one using a flying crane, but he also has excellent taste in music which he plays any time he does something crazy and cool.

He also has far better Chemistry with Science Mom than Tarzan did. Before and after this economy sized dentistry goes on, Jia and Kong have some bonding moments. (awwwww [that's a good awwwww, not a sad awwwww. I haven't figured out how to differentiate those]) Meanwhile, Fun Conspiracy Guy figures out the Three Peaks are a distress signal. 

Because corporations still suck, the completely redesigned craft to fly into Hollow Earth is still called a HEAV. Also, a Jerkass Military Pilot is assigned to bring our Combined Team into Kong's realm. They pass a flock of Stripey Chekov's Pterodactyls (Verticenes) giving the HEAV a chance to display it's mimicry abilities. 

 
Back on the surface. Godzilla is eating a French nuclear reactor to make himself glow blue while preparing for something. One thing he's prepared for is a good old fashioned air force attack, which is nice as we haven't seen one in a while. There are two differences from previous era attacks. A) They're not manned planes, but drones, keeping the Big G from looking bad. And B) Blue Glow Godzilla can fire off electro magnetic pulses... making the battle exceedingly short. 

 
Hollow earth again-  The  HEAV gang lands near what was Outpost One and finds it in shambles with a large Kongish - but definitely not Kong - red handprint on a mountain nearby. In a rare moment of common sense for one of these films, the Combined Team gets the heck out of there and airborne again immediately. 
  
Kong hears a non-inflatable-frog roar coming from the new sinkhole. He grabs his axe and descends to Hollow Earth Level Two, which is filled with singing crystals and Kong bones. I'm sure it will be fine. Kong meets the first giant ape he's seen since his parent's died. Hurray! It's the young Suko (who at 149 feet tall is one and a half times bigger than Skull Island Kong was, confirming the scale has gone completely nuts.) Sadly, it is less "Hurray" than it originally seemed, as Suko is a brat, bites Kong's finger, and is accompanied by three giant Bonobo looking apes, who attack our hero. Kong quickly demonstrates his massive advantage in size, strength and tactics in a way I am not making up, by wielding Suko as a living flail and beating the ever living snot out of the three of them. (The four of them, technically.)

Kong proves his "Good Guy" nature by trying to help one of them as he falls in a chasm. Kong then proves his, "I do not have time for this crap" nature by kicking the big meany down the chasm when he pulls a knife during the rescue. Kong belts their escaping One Eyed leader with an epically accurately thrown rock, before seeing a glimmer of hope in Suko and agreeing to follow the youngster.

Another blast of the Three Peaked distress signal almost crashes the HEAV. They right it, and Jia's telepathy guides them to follow the signal to land in Hollow Earth Level Two. Fun Conspiracy Guy insists on video blogging when they land while Lunatic Veterinarian senses something is off and insists on going in another direction. Jerkass Pilot disagrees and insists that he is in charge, adding on an extra layer of jerkass so no one feels too bad when he gets eaten by a tree... 

Well, except Fun Conspiracy Guy, who has a quick breakdown, being the emotional heart of the team.

 
Back on the surface, it's a bad day for Spain as Godzilla passes through (glowing blue) on his way to the Arctic. The Big Glowing G is hunting Tiamat, an 847 foot long, flower headed Biollante/ Manda hybrid that has an enormous pink energy source in its northern lair. 

Before we can get there, it's back again to Hollow Earth. (This film is loopy but never dull.) Our Combined Team of humans finds some Iwi artifacts! Gasp! 

And a Mothra carving! Double GASP! 

They also find an Indiana Jonsey type mechanism that starts water flowing through an irrigation system and under a weird, glowy, organic membrane. (as one commonly finds when within the lower levels of the secret inside of the Earth) 

Jia opens the membrane and sees... THREE CRYSTAL PEAKS!! TRIPLE GASP!!

 
But, that's enough time with the humans. Suko is clearly surly as he leads Kong past a flock of those parrot pterodactyl things to a lake. The oversized tot wades in, looking shifty, while Kong washes. The Little Un's shiftiness reasoning is revealed when Kong finds himself in the shadow of a thousand foot long, finned snake. It is a Drownviper, revealing again that they should call Toho when they name these things.

Kong goes under. OH NO!

Suko runs for it, but is tripped up by the landing of a well placed axe in his path, shortly followed by the Drownviper's separated noggin. While clearly losing patience with the little ba... ape. Kong shares his snakey dinner with his young companion, building the beginning of a bond. 

Back in the Arctic, not to be out done by Kong's victory over a snake, Godzilla makes sushi out of Tiamat. Then the King of Monsters moves into her lair and absorbs even more energy to continue preparing for something. I'm sure this will be fine. 
 
Hollow Earth again- people time. The stream through the weird membrane goes to an Iwi village around the Three Peaks. There's also a boatload of undocumented portals to the surface. The Queen summons Jia, terrifying Science Mom, but Jia is cool with it and she has a Dreamfasting moment with the queen. Jia learns the Three Peak signal IS a distress call... to Godzilla. Thus indicating just how bad things are. 

Suko is leading Kong to learn the main plot of the film across a skeleton bridge of a creature that would have been big enough to pop Godzilla and Kong into its mouth like Chicklets... reminding us they should stop farting around with modern films and make the "Millions of Years Ago Titan War" Movie.

 
At the same time as Kong is learning about the bad guy of the picture via some excellent visual story telling, the human gang goes down a dark tunnel with some magic glow water and have it all spelled out for them, to accommodate dumber audience members.

The Scar King is a 318 foot Red, Scrawny, Orangutan looking... thing. He has all the standards of Bad Guy 101: Unpleasant lair (surrounded by lava), Prisoner Harem (for shame!), Slave Labor (most look like Gorillas), Evil henchmen (the Bonobos), and a Nasty weapon (bone whip with crystal tip). He is weaker and smaller than Kong but more agile and sneakier, and has a hidden unfair advantage. Past battles with the Scar King's army is why Godzilla hates Apes (and Kong) so much, even though Kong's ancestors left the group to live on Skull Island. Godzilla has never been particularly detail oriented. 

Kong's arrival starts out well, punching out a cruel guard. The Scar King mocks Kong's new metal tooth, and kicks Suko's guardian into the lava because the kid didn't join in the mocking laughter... just in case we didn't realize how much this king sucks. 

Kong has some issues with the fight, but quickly starts to get the measure of his foe. That's when the Scar King reveals what the crystal whip tip is for- tortuous control over Shimo.

She's an ancient titan al 1,197 feet long (big enough for the apes to ride, and taller than King Ghidorah!) with a potentially world ending level of freezy breath. (Is she why the three headed Apex Titan was frozen in the Antarctic?) Kong takes some serious ice damage to his hand before high tailing it out of Lava Town without his axe but with Suko, who has finally decided not to be a little weasel, leading the way.  

 

Back at the Iwi village MORE EXPOSITION! Because there is an enormous amount of ridiculous crap going on in this story. There is a prophesy that the return of an Iwi (Hi Jia!) is needed to summon the return of Mothra! WOO!

 

Kong runs for his life from the Bonobo gang... almost all of them I think. He takes several out using various oversized Ewok like traps. We almost get a Predator moment when they notice a trip wire, but luckily, Suko is still a sneaky little...ape, and triggers the avalanche from above. One Eye uses a companion as an umbrella, and therefore survives.

In case we forgot Godzilla was in this film, we have a quick peek at him in Tiamat's lair, absorbing insane amounts of radiation.

 
There's a lot of introspection in the Hollow Earth. Science Mom has a moment about Jia finding her people, and realizing she may have to leave her daughter here to make her happy. Fun Conspiracy Guy thinks recording this place will finally vindicate him. However, Lunatic Veterinarian points out that all "unspoiled" locations get pretty dang spoiled once they are revealed. Meanwhile, they both marvel at Chekov's Low Gravity Spot. 

By this point, we've spent too long with humans, so Kong staggers in with Suko's help, has a finger moment with Jia, who he sensed to find his way here as per usual with giant gorillas, and passes out. Suko heads off to scout, and the Skar King rides into battle on Shimo with his whip, Kong's axe and his remaining Giant Bonobos. I'm sure this will be fine.

Back in the arctic, Godzilla is full... and much more svelte... and has more spikes... and glows pink. Because that's how the King of Monsters prepares for the big showdown.

Lunatic Veterinarian diagnoses extreme frostbite on Kong's hand, but he has yet another crazy and cool idea involving Chekov's Project Powerhouse. Fortunately, Fun Conspiracy Guy has no idea what that is, as neither does the audience. As Kong is a HERO, Monarch started building battle armor for him, because they are insane. The project was shut down, but not before (COINCIDENCE!) the glove matching Kong's damaged hand was made at the nearby Outpost One (COINCIDENCE!). Lunatic Veterinarian zooms off in the HEAV with his fun and awesome taste in music and brings back Kong's Power Glove.

For some reason, it was already built with injectors for the medication Kong needs to heal his hand. (COINCIDENCE!) Kong loves the elctro-knucks, raises his fist in the air, and roars in approval. (As did I,)

Jia signs with her large furry friend, indicating they need help. Kong chooses one of the new portals, popping out in Cairo where they will have a bad day. There is more roaring. (Woo!)

The Big Ape calls, and Godzilla answers from atop the rock of Gibraltar before giving us the first flying Godzilla leap into the sea since the Showa era.

 
Still down in Hollow Earth, Jia gets some swanky Iwi threads and ascends the crystal pyramid. Because she's from the Skull Island Iwis she has the power to cause Mothra to just kinda form. (I am not making this up.) She's Shobjira!!!

With an expression of "I gotta stop those two idiot men" that is even obvious on her insect face, Mothra heads to the surface while the Iwi evacuate. Lunatic Veterinarian has what I believe is his third excellent crazy and cool idea of the film, this time to stall until the good guy Titans finish fooling with each other and show up. He flies off in the HEAV, which they never explain why he knows how to fly but never mind that now, we've got an epic rematch to catch.

Godzilla crosses the Mediterranean in record time, and swims up the Nile to face the Upstart Apex Ape invading his territory. Kong, being a Thinking Animal, performs an outstanding mime of "No wait! It's not what you think.

There's a bigger problem and we need your help!"

Godzilla, being a much more instinctive animal, ignores this epic performance, charges full bore at his opponent, and makes it a VERY bad day for most of the pyramids. This includes another Showa call back when Godzilla executes a textbook superplex of Kong off of one of the pyramids. 

The Eighth Wonder of the World charges up his new toy and hauls off with a haymaker heard round the world. Godzilla falls and Kong lets fly with a flurry of power glove charged punches, knocking out the Giant Radioactive Dinosaur that almost killed him in the last movie. Woo! (Told you it was Kong's story.) In yet another lovely Showa homage, Kong drags Godzilla by the tail towards the portal. The only problem with this strategy is...

his opponent is Godzilla. 

The Big G wakes up, fires up his newly pink dorsal plates and lets loose with upgraded atomic breath. Following yet another fantastic "Oh Crap" face, Kong runs for it as the beam takes out the last of the pyramids. (Alas.) Godzilla smashes Kong down and instead of just stomping on him and roaring this time, prepares to breathe his oversized head out of existence. Just before that can happen there is a huge blast and a high pitched shriek.

IT'S MOTHRA!!!! (WOOOO!) Hovering directly above the Sphinx, where Shobjia stands impressively. The Queen of Monsters chews out her boyfriend for being a bad tempered shmuck, and explains they need to team up. 

Everyone roars together, including me. RAAAAAAH!

The Iwi prepare their gravity trap by pouring Berry Juice into the mystic pool. Oh wait... it's liquid metal. How sad. Before they can finish, the Skar King and company attack! AAAAHHH!!!

Lunatic Veteranarian shows up flying in the camouflaged HEAV leading an angry flock of mating season Stripey Chekov's Pterodactyls, slowing the assault in time for something huge... 

well, some one huge... 

well, two someones huge, 

to plummet out of a portal.

Godzilla and Kong charge into battle side by side for the first time in history!!!!!! The internal seven year old me cheers wildly! WOO!

The external fifty-four year old me cheers even more wildly! WOOOO HOOOO!!!!!!

 

The main hero and villain Titans leap at each other...

And the Iwi shut off Chekov's gravity. 

The older monsters that have seen this trick (who would appear in the ancient Titan prequel I am bringing up yet again) Godzilla, Shimo and Scar King, adapt quickly to the situation. Kong, being a Thinking Animal, isn't too shabby either. The Bonobo Boys on the other hand tumble and get hit by everyone, including Suko chucking boulders with Hobbit levels of accuracy. Mothra flies around, webbing up evil apes, and saving the HEAV before it gets smashed.

Suko kicks One Eye in the face, ending that problem as the gravity clicks back on. Kong's Thinking Animal nature allows him to retrieve his axe in the fight, but he loses it again as the main four combatants plummet up through a portal.

It is time for Rio to have a really bad day. 

Shimo freezes the ocean. Scar King lands on the beach and acts out atrocities from Primal Rage. He uses the torture crystal to order Shimo to freeze the sky. (Not sure how that works, but whatever.) and a large section of the beachfront skyline.

The good guys come out smiting. The two giant lizards tussle, adding a great deal to the "Bad Day"ness of Rio. There's also the Big Monkey fight where Kong gets dental revenge by laughing after punching out Skar King's tooth. Woo!

Suko, having fully joined the heroes, grabs Kong's axe and heads for the portal!

Godzilla is given pause, allowing the other two to team up on poor Kong. With his fancy Power Glove, he blocks the freezy breath this time, and knocks the torture crystal away. This gives Godzilla time to charge up the atomic breath again, and they split dance partners once more.

Suko pops out and uses his new role model's axe to shatter the torture crystal.

Shimo is FREE!

And she is PISSED!!!!

Kong and Godzilla's tail play "batter up" with the Scar King, who couldn't take Kong by his scrawny sleazy self, never mind both of them.

Kong lays a one handed Undertaker style choke hold on the Bad Monkey. However, prior performing the choke slam, Shimo looks to Godzilla for approval before completely freezy breathing her old tormentor.

Kong leaps and slams the still conscious (ha ha) Evil Orang onto the ground shattering him. Our hero then pounds on him for a while, exponentially increasing the shattering. Man, if Rio had a really bad day today, imagine tomorrow when everyone wakes up to find the city and beach front coated in thawed ape bits. 

Godzilla looks up and uses his atomic breath to thaw the sky. (Not sure how that works, but whatever.) Random point out- It's cool that this Godzilla clearly has gills as he's always been an aquatic creature. I like me some realism in my mutated giant radioactive dinosaurs.

Mothra brings Shobjia back to the Hollow Earth Iwi. Science Mom is ready to let her stay there in her new home.

However, Shobjira tells Science Mom that home is with her when they are together. 

All the men cry. (On the screen as well.)

Mothra seals the magic barrier, the Iwi have a party, and  Godzilla returns to his Italian roots and naps in the Coliseum.

Kong with his new kid - and his well treated steed- return to liberate all the giant apes in Lava Land on Hollow Earth Level Two. 

He is truly home, and for the first time in Legendary, one hundred percent- 

KING KONG!!!!!

Click here for... uh... whatever comes next.

(Since Lunatic Veterinarian's actor is talking about coming back it's bound to be good. Shobjira, Science Mom and Fun Conspiracy Guy better be there as well. 

Now if we could only get Bear McCreary too!)

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