Christmas Village 2025

The Leader In Ruthless Sports Terrorist Entertainment
Or
I Am A Real American… Hero
 
We’ve reached that time of year! 

The Eighteenth Christmas Battle Village is the first time that it is a true, immediate sequel to last year’s battle. Once again, many thanx are due to Doctor Miller, my dentist (retired), reader (long time) and friend (current) for donating the “guest stars” for both last year and this follow up after his housing downsize!
 
Disclaimer #1) I didn’t bother checking exactly which trucks were used last year or where they were placed meaning I set them up based on memory. I only checked after all the figures were set up and it was too late to move them leading to some locational shifts in this "immediate sequel." So there.
Disclaimer #2) I have given up trying to find the proper stand for each figure. No one can read them except me while I am setting them up, and the figures barely can stay upright on them anymore anyway as they get older, and the joints get softer. This is also why so many are becoming left-handed as their right (and more and more often, left as well) hand is stretching beyond usability.
Disclaimer #4) There was a wrestling figure I didn’t use: one of the guys from Demolition. It was pretty badly made to begin with, and really beat up. I couldn’t tell which tag team member it was, and he didn’t make a good story element without his partner. 

Axe or Smash, I apologize.

Disclaimer #5) I'm almost positive there was a "Disclaimer #3" at some point. I know it wasn't that I am blatantly lying about never doing an immediate sequel before. I wonder what it referenced?

It Is Time.
 
The Joes and Cobras were completely overwhelmed on Sluttbordet Plateau last year by the invasion of the Miniature Marauding M.U.S.C.L.E. Men. Only by working together could the two groups of sworn enemies make any headway against their swarming attackers from another dimension. Technical experts from both teams joined forces to modify the "Fractally Advancing Reality Transmogrifier" carried by the G.I. Joe “High-Speed Extra-dimensional Search Ship” to send the tiny terrors back from whence they came.

 
The small size of their foes was found to have been caused by a shrinking effect as they were extracted from their dimension. Trying to combine a mix of Cobra and Joe equipment in the beam generator unfortunately damaged the "Universe Gyroscopic Location Yanker." While engaged in returning the M.U.S.C.L.E. Men home the transportation and embiggening ray accidentally locked on to the middle of a 1980’s World Wrestling Federation house show. And now…
 
PANDEMONIUM IS BREAKING LOOSE ON THE FROZEN PLATEU!!!!

 
Side note- I am stunned that "embiggening" is a real word and not yet another one I made up that would require training the dictionary to recognize.
 
Serpentor has been laid out on top of The Cobra Command Vehicle. Even though Hulk Hogan is (A) An action figure and (B) Deceased, he still has creative control of his storylines meaning he will be the one to drop the leg on the leader of the villainous group. “YOU THINK YOU KNOW SNAKES? WHATCHU GONNA DO WHEN THESE TWENTY-FOUR INCH PYTHONS COME FOR YOU, BROTHERRRRRRR?!?!?!”
Dang… these wrestler figures are a lot bigger than I remembered. Oh well. Anyway…
Always at Hogan’s side, Jimmy Hart, the Mouth of the South is busy distracting the rest of Cobra leaders. (Yes, I know that real world friendship didn't exist in Kayfabe in the 1980's. See "Disclaimer #3") Between his taunts and smacks with his oversized megaphone, Cobra Commander, Xamot & Tomax, and Cobra Officer Betram won’t be helping anyone. “HOW’S THAT FEEL UPSIDE YOUR HEAD, BABY? HAHAHAHAHA!”
Major Bludd can barely move as he crawls past the Crimson Guardsmen. (Who will likely be too distracted again to notice I have not named them. Not that it matters as, in the comics they were all named Fred. See "Disclaimer #3") One of them has had his backpack damaged in the fight. (Maybe the attic isn’t the best place to store these?) Bludd’s state is caused by receiving a piledriver from occasional Hogan ally Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Orndorff. “WHERE YOU GOIN’, TURTLE HEAD???”
Duke has arrived in the back corner via his jetpack far too late for a day saving run in. His location is to highlight the futility of the situation and not because I left him over on the side after getting his flag from downstairs and had to squeeze him in during the photo shoot. (See "Disclaimer #3")

The Dreadnoks, Buzzer, Ripper and Torch have fared no better than an average turn buckle when facing George “The Animal” Steele and are dumped in a pile in the back of their Swamp Truck. “MINE!!!!!!” 

The plum scented (for reasons it continues to not be worth going into) Zanya is also unconscious on the roof. Her father, Zartan, thought Croc Master and Señora Twinkles McFluffernutter could help him escape off the hood. However, George’s ally and sometimes tag team partner, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat took them out, dealing “PAIN SUFFEREING AND ANGUISH” with well-placed chops and arm drags. Perhaps this inspired his crocodilian enhanced, if goofy, gimmick later on? Man, for such an awesome wrestler, (including what I and others consider the greatest match in history at WrestleMania III) he really didn’t have any applicable catch phrases, did he?

The technically savvy individuals from both groups have joined forces to reverse the "Universe Gyroscopic Location Yanker" beam from the G.I. Joe “High-Speed Extra-dimensional Search Ship” and send these enormous combatants of the squared circle back where they came from. Grunt, using his always mentioned Mechanical Engineering skills, has arrived to help Wild Weasel. They are trying to get the spacecraft airborne again by pulling parts from the downed Trubble Bubble, destroyed in last year’s crash which led to this mess in the first place. (Oooh, continuity!) Meanwhile, the Baroness and one of the Iron Grenadiers aid Destro in repurposing parts from the two damaged Battle Android Troopers, one of whom has lost an arm in the tussle. (Crappy Spy Troops figures, the attic really isn’t the best place to store these.) Unfortunately for them, former Iron Grenadier trainer (look it up) “Rowdy” Roddy Piper has arrived to put their efforts to sleep. “AND I’M ALL OUT OF BUBBLE GUM!!!”

In a similar collaboration the Cobra Snow Trooper has teamed up with Snow Job. (Yes… Snow Job.) They are planning to extract some of the high-end actuators and electronics out of the Combat Snow Plow in order to accelerate Destro and Grunt’s work on the "Fractally Advancing Reality Transmogrifier." Oh look, the poor, hapless (and still sorely misplaced) Desert Trooper fell under the plow… again. The two frost focused fighters must be concentrating way too hard on their work as they have failed to hear the approach of the never subtle “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan who is moments away from wrecking them and their plow courtesy of a three-point stance clothesline. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The G.I. Joe heavy weapons group is trying to retreat back into the "Helicopter Extraction Shipping Service" aircraft. Sergeant Flash (aaaa-AAAAAHH!), finding his laser is also ineffective against these titans, is sneaking around the back. Bazooka has already crawled into the rear entrance hatch, because he’s so top heavy, his worn out knees and hips give out under his own weight even with a stand. (Kind of like me, now that I think about it.)

Wild Bill provides cowboy cover fire on the ground before trying to reach the cockpit, while Roadblock uses his .50 Caliber to try to free up the rotors. Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, a master of all strategies, “I’M A LEGEND IN THIS SPORT. DON’T BELIEVE ME, JUST ASK ME,” is advising one of his "Family" about when to put Gung Ho out of his misery. Before applying the Rude Awakening, “Ravishing” Rick Rude will, “TELL ALL YOU MILITARY MOUTH BREATHERS TO SHUT UP WHILE I SHOW YOU WHAT A REAL MAN LOOKS LIKE!!”

The heavy weapons group from the Cobra side are having just as little success. They were supposed to meet up with the Joe advanced force landing on Sluttbordet Plateau. Something must have happened, which we will learn later. (No matter how dumb this gets, there will still be literary foreshadowing.) Stalker looks as impressive as always leading the charge, but Beachhead is sprawled out on the snow, for reasons unattached to him being a crappy Spy Troops figure. The Cobra Claw with the U.L.G. is also down. (Perhaps the reason really was he is a crappy Spy Troops figure after all.) Scrap Iron’s missile launcher is already trashed. because I gave up after it fell over six times. (See "Disclaimer #3") He and the Cobra Bazooka trooper are about to learn a lesson while being crushed by a Hillbilly Jim bear hug. “DON’T GO MESSIN’ WITH A COUNTRY BOY!!!”

Stalker’s force is reduced because of a calamity on Barbecue’s Fire Truck. The owner stares in horror at the damage to his ladder, vehicle and allies.

Two Cobra Vipers trying to link up with Flint and Lady Jaye have also been crushed with them and the equipment, for reasons likely, once again, tied to (respectively) top heaviness and crappy Spy Troops figureness. (See "Disclaimer #3") A perfectly executed Flying Elbow from the “Macho Man” Randy Savage is responsible for this destruction. “YEEEAHH MAN! OOOH, GRRRRR!!!” *Various grunts and growls accompanied by weird and random finger motions.*
The inexplicably appearing large monitor lizard stares in confusion at a spot I was planning to put another wrestler but changed my mind. (See "Disclaimer #3")

Another off the top rope Plateau assault took out Billy, Mac and Blaine from Predator (to continue a joke only I find amusing). “Air Africa” landed Kamala the Ugandan Giant on these three warriors and… 

Well, maybe I should have used that member of Demolition after all. We’ll just leave it with acknowledging James Arthur Harris was a decent guy, a musician, had lots of tragedy in his life and was a heck of a performer, even when saddled with such a problematic gimmick. The figure refusing to stand up at all didn’t help matters. (See "Disclaimer #3")

Anyway, speaking of the culturally problematic- The Native America GI Joe tracker,  Spirit Iron Knife, with his arrow shooting rifle, is sharing guard duty over Ace whose efforts to repair the "Hiss Elimination Sky Striker" continue in perpetuity. (See "Disclaimer #3") Spirit and his eagle, Freedom, are about to learn some rough lessons from the real Bird Man, Koko B. Ware! (RIP Frankie, we loved you.) Koko may excellently sing “Piledriver,” but it’s his "Ghostbuster" shoulder breaker that will put an end to this Spirt. 

(A reminder that even in the midst of this foolishness, I am hilarious.)

Next to them, Junkyard and Mutt are soon to get a “THUMP” from the original Junk Yard Dog, “RUFF RUFF RUFF, ARRRRRRRRRROOOOOOO” He’s gonna “Grab Them Cakes” before they know what hit them. It looks like Junkyard (the actual dog) has wisely decided to make a run for it instead of fighting this year. Or maybe it was the only way I could get them to stand up. (See "Disclaimer #3")

Things aren’t going well for Cover Girl either as she tries to haul the Wolverine Missile tank out of there. Bombstrike (her stand-in until a lucky eBay find) and Cover Girl's barely hanging on boyfriend, Shipwreck (crappy Spy Troops figures) do their best to shoot their way free. None of it is deterring the Big Boss Man from putting the Boss Man Slam on their vehicle. “YOU’RE ABOUT TO SERVE HARD TIME!!!!!”

 
In another vehicular disaster for America’s Highly Trained Fighting Force, at the "Motor Pool" Clutch (who is clearly not an extra Breaker figure with Sharpie stubble) has driven the RAM Cycle into a problem on his way to activate the Heavy Duty Combat Snow Plow. (That may not be its name, but I am not taking the time to look it up in past stories. (See "Disclaimer #3"))

Jake “The Snake” Roberts is about to teach him to, “Beware the fury of a patient man.” 

Looks like it is Damien’s Dinner Time.
Note 1- Jake is much scarier when he speaks calmly, hence the lack of all caps even for the giant version.
Note 2- How do I not own a proper scale rubber snake to complete this picture? I feel I have failed.

Note 3- I am kind of stunned on how well this fits into the scene, considering I was fiddling with them over on the coffee table to figure out how to get the wrestlers to stand up well before starting and completely forgot about them until everything else was done. (See "Disclaimer #3")

But wait! The GI Joe ninjas, Scarlett, Snake Eyes and Jinx have coordinated their stealthy attack with their opposite numbers, Firefly, and Generic Cobra Ninja 57-B, plus Storm Shadow, who could be on either side depending on the writer, phase of the moon, or color eyeshadow a random woman in Toledo is wearing. With that combination of sneakiness and combat ability I’m sure they will start to turn the tide of…
Oh wait, never mind. 

It’s Meng.
Arn Anderson said it best. “There are three types of men: tough men, wrestler-tough men, and then there's Meng."

(Click here for some short if terrifying tales to back this up. Reportedly an exceptionally nice guy most of the time, however.)
Moving On.

(The Real) Breaker is desperate to get into the (Brand New For This Year!!!) GI Joe Command Stock Car, and floor it. (Yes, it is less cool that many other directions they could have gone, but it has A ZILLION LIGHTS!!!! SOOOOOO SHINY!!!! Thanx Grandma!) General Hawk is making a final stand atop the car, but even at point blank range his pistol will have little chance of preventing him and the Command Vehicle from being on the receiving end of the Iron Sheik’s Camel Clutch. “IRAN NUMBER ONE, GI JOE HOCH- PTU!!!!! YOU TELL THEM GENE MEAN!!!!!”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Mean Gene Okerlund reporting live with the wrap up for this boisterous battle, and the Iron Sheik’s expostulations may be crude but are certainly accurate. There doesn’t seem to be any way the usual residents of this conflagration can stand up to the awesome might of the enormous and colossal combined combative powers of the WWF. Scuba Steve, how does your team plan to endure to such an overwhelming onslaught?”

Scuba Steve- “I’m not even supposed to be a part of this franchise!!!! Anabelle just threw me in the bag with them when she didn’t want to play with me anymore. GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!”
(See Disclaimer #3)
 
On that reminiscing if confusing note, the outcome seems pretty foregone. But there are always possibilities:
 
Will the Embiggened Wrestlers hold claim over Sluttbordet Plateau for years to come?
(Doubtful, as I try not to repeat myself.)
 
Will there be some insane story twist to justify bringing in yet another completely unrelated franchise along with an unbelievable reason for the removal of these giants?
(Seriously, have you met me?)
 
Will the carnage reach greater heights as the temperature and other unfavorable storage conditions of the attic continue to lead to increased incidences of damaged plastic?
(Stupid crappy Spy Troops figures.)

Will the appearance of left over M.U.S.C.L.E. men be explained by some insidious plan on their part, or was it merely because I kept finding the little buggers up to eleven months after taking down last year's set up?

(I can neither confirm, nor deny...)

Will the fact that the "Universe Gyroscopic Location Yanker" beam carried by the "Fractally Advancing Reality Transmogrifier" in the  the G.I. Joe "High-Speed Extra-dimensional Search Ship" has been established as able to change the size of what it transports mean I can finally ignore the scale of other figures, expanding which "guests" from my out of control collection can join in?

(MWA HA HA HAHA HA!!!!)

Tune in Next Year to find out!!!!!!

 

Until then, 
MERRY EVERYTHING!!!! 

and
"Yo JoooooooooooOOOOH YEAAAAHHH!!!" *More weird and random finger motions*

Click here for past Christmas related posts 

Wrestling Moments Index

 
Bonus photos-
Documentation that Anabelle was able to put the normal village in place in spite of the damage from my foolishly placing a full vodka bottle in her stocking last year, which I will never live down. And yes, even our "normal" village has a Disney element. Can you find it?

A three-sided view of our pop culture filled tree, which -if the corporate acquisitions continue at the rate they have been- should be completely copyrighted by Disney by the start of the next decade.

Infinite thanx, as always, are due to my wife and daughter for allowing (and in fact encouraging) this foolish behavior on my part. (Not counting the use of vodka bottles.)