Christmas Village 2013

“Lovely Weather for a Slay Night Together With You”

Or

“Merry Christmas, mein Joe”- By the Royal Crimson Guardsmen

The annual winter struggles for Tabletop Plateau continue once more this year.

But what’s this?

Something very strange is occurring.

It appears that General Hawk is striking his contractually required awesome pose atop the Cobra Command Vehicle while conferring with the equally posturing Cobra Emperor -Serpentor. Meanwhile, below them in the Command Post, Cobra Commander and the twin leaders of the Crimson Guard are discussing strategic plans and intelligence information with Flint and Lady Jaye, while Breaker relays their decisions to the front.

Nearby, Flash is assisting Scrap Iron, Destro and one of the Iron Grenadiers to increase the fire power of the once again red mini-HISS.  Grunt, in the repair bay, is using his engineering skills to upgrade the too ugly to stand (Spy Troops…sheesh) next generation BAT.

More evidence that this inexplicable alliance must be far further along than an initial peace talk is everywhere. The Crimson Guardsmen normally assigned to protect the Commander and his associates have wandered off to get a sit rep update or perhaps a ballroom dancing lesson from Scarlett over near the Air Support Mobile Base.  Ace and Wild Weasel pausing during the prepping of the craft for launch to shake hands (or make a valiant attempt given the limitations of their bases and articulation) is a further indication that this unprecedented alliance is wide spread.

These new connections may solve an age old mystery. Barbeque is finally getting to ask the Cobra Desert Trooper about the yearly appearance of a large brown lizard, currently discussing battle tactics with Freedom, on his Vertical Assault Fire Truck.  Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes, Firefly and Spirit line up at the ladder in a Ninja Attack Conga Line.

Perhaps if we follow the assault up to the plateau, we will learn what foe created such a menace that these sworn enemies have teamed up to stop it.

At the beachhead of the attack is Beachhead. (See what I did there?) He finds himself in the unusual position of being helped out of Wild Bill’s transport helicopter by a Cobra Officer.  Unusual because of the helper, since he doesn’t have a stand, kneeling or crawling is a routinely usual position for him.  The start of the Ninja Attack Conga Line, former bitter foes (according to the box they came in) Jinx and Slice, have just come over the edge and met with the landing group as well.  Bombstrike and the Baroness use the Transport Helicopter’s Blade Firing Platform to spot for the now aligned Joe and Cobra artillery pieces. 

This is because it is the proper place for the artillery spotters to be positioned on a cliff based breakthrough point, not because I ran out of places for people who fall down a lot…

Ooh! Look!  A crocodile!

That misplaced reptile has fallen out of one of the victims of whatever danger has caused the normally battling armies to work in concert.  The Dreadnok Swamp Truck has been upended, tossing Croc Master on high, and leaving his pet to be rescued by the animal know how of Mutt and Junkyard.

Yes, a K9 handler has enough skill and experience to handle a lost crocodile on a snow covered peak. G I Joe training is that intense and diverse.

Gung Ho is providing cover fire to allow Zartan to pull Zanya, his purple fruit fragranced daughter from the wreck. (She’s been in the Cobra bag so long; my daughter doesn’t even remember her real name.) Ripper has clambered up from behind the crashed conveyance to try to reach over and pull Torch out from under the bed… because that makes much more dramatic storytelling than detailing that their weapons make them far too top heavy to remain standing on the “snow.”   Clutch has continued the spirit of kumbaya between foes, and picked up Ripper on the RAM.   No clue how effective their charge will be, but dang it looks cool.

Major Blood is leading one half of the Heavy Weapons Defensive Line toward whatever is dangerous enough to reorient alliances this year.  Roadblock, Rock ‘n Roll and a Cobra Claw armed with the U.L.G. are trying to scramble over the wreckage of the other Joe Air Support Mobile Base, because they’re even more top heavy than the Dreadnoks.

Duke leads the other side of the Heavy Weapons Defensive Line toward the whatever, backed up by new best buds in blasting, Bazooka and a Cobra Bazooka trooper, who we will call Ed from now on.  Billy is beside Ed. Not Cobra Commander’s son Billy, the over and under M-16 shotgun wielding Native American from Predator, next to Heavy Duty and the other guys who look like his cast mates.  

For readers who are first experiencing these villages, this is a running gag that only I find funny.

Many apologies.

Speaking of running gags only I laugh at: the Snow Serpent and Snow Job (yes…Snow Job) work together for the first time to bring the Combat Snow Plow into position.  Behind Ed. the next wave is led by Stalker, because he always leads a wave. He’s one of the few properly designed figures that can look cool in a running pose without pitching onto his face.  Sergeants tend to be well balanced fellows I suppose.  Stalker is leading a couple of Cobra Vipers ahead of Cover Girl in her Wolverine Missile tank.

Shipwreck, as always, sits atop his lady fair’s tank, looking groovy.  This time, however, he is joined by a Battle Android Trooper.  When their forces were set against each other, the BAT’s were programmed to destroy Shipwreck above any and all other targets.  With the new paradigm, they’ve been reprogrammed to imitate and follow his every move with slavish devotion. 

Or maybe they’re doing the Macarena?

Anyway, let’s take a look at that attack wave head on, just ‘cause it’s awesome!

Is there any threat that could make this level of combined power necessary?

Is there any threat that could inspire such fear that decades of animosity and five years of annual combat over this very spot transforms into cooperation in the blink of an eye?

Is there any threat that could generate even more annoying cliffhangers from me than these battles usually do?

We now pause for an important dedication:

This year’s village is completely and unreservedly dedicated to my daughter.

The reason for this dedication is the following conversation.

Me: I have no idea what to do for the village this year.

Her: They should be friends and all hug each other.

Me: You say that every year.

Her: Because you never do it.

Me: They can’t hug; they’ll fall over and it will look like wrestling.

Her: They could all shake hands.

Me: They can’t do that either, the bases keep them too far apart.

Her: They could try, and they could still be friends. *puppy face*

Me: Well, they could, but why?

Her: Because they’re friends.

Me: But they’ve been fighting for years, in order to be friends they’d need to all be attacked by something so powerful and so horrible that they would be forced to forget all that past hatred and team up against it.  They could be friends after that, but what could possibly be that bad?

Her: Well…

Look out!

It’s the abominable giant mutant alien clown penguin!

I’m sure the combined forces of G.I. Joe and Cobra will defeat this new foe, but it will be a long and difficult struggle. 

Once victory is achieved, I’m also sure there will be much hugging. 

Go get ‘em troops.

YO JOE!

HAVE A FLAG WAVINGLY GOOD

CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Bonus Material:

Anabelle wrote this song in the spirit of the season.

Serioulsly, I have no idea where she gets this sort of thing from.

Rudolph the hungry reindeer

Always cleaned off his own plate

And if you ever saw him,

You would ask how much he ate

All of the other reindeer

Used to be his bestest friends

They always told Sir Rudolph

We will be friends to the end

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa came to shout

Rudolph with your appetite

Why’d you eat my sleigh tonight

Then all the reindeer hated him

They were super duper mad

Rudolph the hungry reindeer

Would never ever make them glad!

That's my girl!

And finally: my wife joined in the fun this year to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of our favorite family show.  In spite of having knee surgery she added this to our festive decorations to celebrate Christmas and the momentous longevity of Doctor Who.

That's my sweetie!

Have a Christmas for All Times!

Click here to see the history of this hotly contended piece of property, and other Christmassy musings.