Thursday, March 9, 2023

George Awards 10! Bondlets (sorta) No Time To Die

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”
This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.
This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.
The Tenth Edition George Awards for Profanity in films continues in this special Anniversary Rant Filled Reviews version with the completion of the Daniel Craig Bond films.
While the other Bond movie viewings were “Kid’s Eyes” experiences, Anabelle rightly wanted no part of this conclusion to his run when she learned James Bond died in it.

Oh, yeah. 
Warning- A shitload of spoilers are coming.
That'll help.
I explained that normally out of character decision could be a logical ending for a set of films trying to establish both a “more realistic” James Bond and the world for him to inhabit with a set beginning, middle and end. I also pointed out that with the exception of the outing that did much of its filming without a script, we both enjoyed all the other Craig films.
Her opinion was unchanged.
This is further proof she is way fucking smarter than me.
If No Time To Die did follow this "realistic and finite" train of thought, it would have been fine.
It wouldn't have become a favorite entry of the franchise, but I would have accepted it.
However, instead the creative team presented No Time To Die as a classic Bond outing with:
Wild and fun gadgets.
Over the top and fun action scenes.
Fun technical interactions with Q
Fun innocently flirty exchanges with Moneypenny 
Fun smart ass back and forth meetings with Tanner and M.
(Sense a pattern?)
Bond is back and facing a villain that threatens world domination through a lunatic scheme with virtually no links to real world science!
Based on Bond’s previous outings and (temporary) retirement, they had the perfect chance to end their “realistic” run with Bond in full retirement with his family, while a new and awesome 007 continued his legacy following him having one final, rip roaring, old school adventure with her.
And they royally fucked it up.
Honestly, I forgot he was going to die, because I was having so much fun through the journey.
And if you think I swear a lot in the George Awards, that is nothing compared to what happened in my living room that night. Ask my poor wife who is still laughing at me.
There were some premonitions of how outraged I was going to be when they killed off Felix Leiter early on, adding a personal revenge element to a story that didn’t need it. If it was the kind of dark “realistic” ending I originally expected I wouldn’t have had an issue. Putting his demise right after a huge, goofy and wildly entertaining action scene was a bit fucking jarring.
The film started with the appearance that, true to form for Craig’s films, the woman Bond loved and had retired to be with betrayed him.
However, not true to form, but true to ending on a good fucking note, later he learned Blofeld made it look like she betrayed Bond. However, she didn’t, he finds out they have a daughter together, and they reconcile.
Because of machinations of Rami Malek, Bond infects Blofeld with the magic, nano-bot virus which is programmable (remember that because it’s fucking important) which Rami Malek's evil plan is based on. Due to Bond's visit and interrogation, Blofeld dies accidentally in jail, which Bond didn’t want. This was after having separated James from his family for years. Therefore, Blofeld beats Bond, which is fucking wrong.
Even with those two BIG ASS issues, a decent ending could have been salvaged. James and the New 007 go to rescue his wife and daughter from Rami Malek and stop his evil scheme. His evil scheme will use the magic, nano-bot virus, which is programmable, to kill large swaths of humanity based on race and similar things. There’s even a Nazi scientist working with him to get the old school feel amped up.
Bond’s family is rescued, the new 007 does awesome things, and all the other good guys get out of a Very Classic Bond Villain Island Lair.
James sneaks and fights his way through the cool, Very Classic Bond Villain Island Lair. He takes out an entire fucking army using these tactics so he can open the old school giant metal circular doors protecting the V
ery Classic Bond Villain Island Lair to allow the missiles to destroy the place.
But then the doors start to close again. 
Then begins the part where I hurled screaming profanity at the screen non stop.
James Bond runs back to the door controls in a straight line through the LARGEST MOST UNPROTECTED AREAS OF THE LAIR HE CAN FIND!
Of course, he gets shot by Rami Malek and they fight.
OK, fucking stupid, but they wanted a classic Bond and Bad Guy one on one closing fight scene. I’ll give them that one.
However, in the fight, Rami Malek doses Bond with the magic, nano-bot virus which is programmable. If he ever sees his family again, he will infect them and they will die.
This means Raimi Malek has beaten Bond as well, which is also fucking wrong.
Bond radios Q to ask for a fix, and Q says there’s nothing he can do…
And I begin bellowing even louder at the screen-
But no. Q sits sadly at his computer.
New 007 sits sadly off of the island. M, Tanner and Moneypenny sit sadly in the office. Bond’s wife and daughter sit sadly in their rescue craft. Bond climbs out of the Very Classic Bond Villain Island Lair and sits sadly near the open old school giant metal circular doors watching the missiles blow the living shit out of him and the V
ery Classic Bond Villain Island Lair.
And I stand furiously in my living room ranting multiple unintelligible things (while my wife giggles uncontrollably at me) including a repetition of: 

While I was still tossing profanity at the screen, the credits ended with,
"James Bond Will Return."

So not only did the movie have a fucking stupid ending, but then they had the balls to let us all know that they're going to ignore all six of Craig's movies anyway.

Considering much of this film masquerades as a hoot filled old school James Bond party, here is my recommendation:
Watch and enjoy the entire film...
right up to the part James Bond is about to be a fucking moron after the alarm that the old school giant metal circular doors are closing again.
Close you eyes and picture this:
Either James Bond uses the skill and stealth he normally possesses and opens the doors after silently taking out Rami Malek from about three rooms away...
He fights him stupidly like happened in the film.
Q, being the fucking genius that he is, and knowing that the magic, nano-bot virus he’s been dealing with the entire film is programmable, tells Bond he can cure him easily while simultaneously making breakfast and knitting a scarf.
Either way, Bond leaves the very classic Bond Villain Island Lair, magic nano-bot virus free, and picks up his no longer sad wife and daughter on their raft. He also gets a call indicating a rescue boat found Felix Leiter at sea. He’s in critical condition but is expected to pull through. (Which makes zero sense, given how the character was left, but I don't give a shit.)
New 007 goes off to continue to have awesome missions. They can make movies, or they can just let us know she is going to have them. Whatever the fuck works.
James Bond retires for good.
He travels with his wife, Madeline, and young daughter, Mathilda, to a little known, gorgeous island resort for a well deserved vacation. Felix and his family are with them for his recovery.
All dressed in fancy formal wear, they have a wonderful dinner together on a private little balcony in the main resort building. There is general happy and vacationy hubbub around the table. They enjoy the food and drinks, along with each other's company, in a montage with cheery music.
As the Bond and Leiter families are heading to the exit of the main building to return to their cabanas, double doors they are passing to a side dining room open when food trays are wheeled in.

No one else but James and Felix look in the direction of this private dinner party.
There is a group sitting around the table who look at James and, as one, raise their glasses to him as a toast. Similarly there is another group standing at the bar saluting Felix.
Whether these shots uses CGI or actual magic, I also do not give a shit.
I give less of a shit that it doesn’t make the slightest bit of fucking sense,
The group at the table is clearly:

Sean Connery and Ursula Andress (Honey Rider)

George Lazenby and Diana Rigg (Tracy Bond, still don't give a shit)

Roger Moore and Lois Maxwell (Miss Moneypenny)
(Yes, they're both dead, and so are Connery and Rigg. I continue to not give a shit. If they listened to me sooner and did this in Casino Royale they could have done the shot when everyone was still with us. Now deepfake it or whatever.)

Timothy Dalton and Cary Lowell (Pam Bouvier)

Peirce Brosnan and Samantha Bond (Another Miss Moneypenny, and yet again I do not give a shit...
and- If you don't like my "date" choices, tough shit, make your own.) 

Over at the bar toasting Felix, also using technology I give no shits about are:
Jack Lord, Cec Linder, Rik Van Nutter, Norman Burton, David Hedison, John Terry, 
and, fuck it, throw in Bernie Casey too!

Felix Leiter waves to the group at the bar.

James Bond smiles at the gang around the table, points a “finger gun” and rejoins his family as the the circle gun barrel logo irises on to him, but then moves away leaving him in peace and onto the new 007 while the theme blares.
Ba-da DA-DA da-da-da!!!

And that is how you end the James Bond franchise. 

Here's hoping they don't fuck it up when they bring him back!


longbow said...

Don't know if it's my increasingly shaky memory or if I semi-purposely shelved it but I saw this movie and couldn't for a million dollars have given a cogent summary of it except that Ana De Armis is in like two scenes.

Jeff McGinley said...

She was in the best parts that felt like a classic Bond film.
Maybe your brain spared you.
thanx for reading.