Transformers Rewatch THE MOVIE!!

Transformers: The Movie

It’s weird how some characters who feel like they belong to the movie and Season Three don’t and others that don’t did come from the post time jump stories. Perceptor and Blaster feel like they should be introduced here. But they’re all over Season Two. (Though Blaster’s cassettes show up in the movie for the first time.) Meanwhile, Ultra Magnus feels like a Season Two classic Autobot and his debut is the film.

I always forget this film is a Delaurentis production… like most films I enjoyed in the Eighties.
So, the overall rewatch started late, but I still came up a year short for the Fortieth anniversary of this movie. (Which means my “Twentieth Anniversary” DVD is now nineteen.) In other news I’m old.
Sure, there are still animation mistakes in this, but MAN! It is clear how much higher the budget was.
This is the introduction to a galaxy full of robot worlds where humans are tiny and organics, in general, are rare.
Planet eating Planet Unicron is the best representation of Galactus in any media that includes live action up until now.

I’ve already talked about the music extensively, but wow! Does this theme go hard! That’s probably why the show song felt nostalgic but underwhelming. 

It is crazy how many stars they got to perform in this goofy thing.
The far flung future of 2005, where space travel is routine. I fear we missed that mark. At least their prediction of fashion being stupider came true.
The first Autobot or Decepticon we see is Laserbeak. Given his competence, that makes perfect sense.

Ironhide, nice to see you! You deserved far better, sir.
Spike is all growed up! With a son! *sniff* It all goes so fast.
Oh, Cliffjumper organized the ship to Earth. No wonder everyone died. Clear those toy shelves! Ratchet, Brawn and Prowl gunned down without a fight, ick.

Amidst the sadness I find myself thinking the better animated Cybertronians look so cool!
But the whole “Instruments of Destruction” scene is incredibly harsh.

“Such heroic nonsense.”  Dang. Ironhide RIP. *sniff*

Daniel and Hot Rod (spacey sports car) are the new buddies. Daniel is younger than Spike was when he was with Bumblebee. (And where’s Carly?) Now me saying, “Bring the twelve year old” will be an over statement.
“Turbo running young punk. I’ll straighten you out yet.” Looks like I have become Kup. (spacey pick up truck)
Whoah, a giant Autobot/ Decepticon battle where everyone can move! Money is nice.
Here’s the brand new Autobot gang… plus Blaster and Perceptor. How did they make the cut?

The first season gang died horribly, and the rest of the second season who weren’t combiners kinda faded away.
Autobot City must be non-sentient like Teletran-One, at least at this point since the transformation is manually executed.
Soundwave jams transmissions not with his plethora of sonic abilities, but by sending the Cassette gang to smash the radio. However, the radio is Blaster and he has Autobot cassettes now!! WOO!!!!

Awww, there’s Wheeljack, Gears and more of the Season One Autobots unceremoniously dead in the city. The harshness continues unabated. Rest well you insane genius, you.

The newest Autobots work together to push the giant tracked crossbow gun thing into firing position…

sideways and perpendicular to those tracks.

A new crew and they’re still morons. 

The relationship between Arcee (spacey but pink sports car) and Springer (triple changer spacey helecopter/ spacey sports car... sense a trend with the new, non-licensed-vehicle-fee, characters?) makes me uncomfortable.
Devastator! Is he the last combiner standing? I knew he was the best one. (Jumped the gun on that a bit, other combiners also made it through.)
Remember that giant crossbow missile launcher thing it took all that effort to move? It does diddley against Devastator. The top ten awesome line “Dinobots Destroy Devastator!” is dulled a bit because though Grimlock, “Loves challenge,” they are clearly not up to it. 

“No matter the cost…” THE TOUCH!!!! Time for Optimus Prime to reveal what a powerhouse he is. This scene seriously shows that if Prime ever snapped, Megatron would stand alone in about a half hour. For the number of times the franchise goes back to the awesomeness that is “One shall stand, one shall fall,” usually both of them fall.

Megatron gets in a sneaky, damaging hit with his laser knife? Is the flail in the shop?
I think Hot Rod gets judged really unfairly for this. Optimus is already torn open, Megatron doesn’t look all that damaged and has shrugged off shots from Prime’s rifle before.

In fact, Megatron seems a lot more damaged after Hot Rod jumps on him. I think the new guy got several hits in.
And for the last time, Starscream uses Megatron’s misfortune to assume command.
Y’know, Rumble trotting behind Soundwave carrying Megatron’s fusion cannon will never not be funny.

Optimus Prime gets a huge death scene.  Meanwhile everyone else’s favorite Autobots just bit it with no fight and no ceremony, mostly getting dumped in the corner. Alas.

The very first mention of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership… It really feels like it shouldn’t be. Then again, what do I know, I was expecting Sparks over a decade too soon.
Ultra Magnus (car carrying truck) has a cavity in his chest that is a perfect fit for the Matrix. Does every Autobot have A Matrix spot, just in case?
Meanwhile, on the other side, that giant explosive crossbow AND the Dinobots didn’t even put a ding in Devastator. The Cassettes do more damage to the Constructicons in the fight inside Astrotrain. Why isn’t Soundwave in charge again?
“Lighten the load” time. Throwing Decepticons into space is hardly fatal or even damaging. Why all the fuss?
Hi Orson! Refit time for the bad guys.

Honestly, I think Eighties kids would have been less traumatized if there was a little more balance. All but three of the original Autobots died horribly. Meanwhile, for the original Decepticons- the Constructicons, Insecticons plus Soundwave and his gang are fine. Megatron and two Seekers got reformatted, and Starscream came back quickly as a ghost. It’s hardly fair. Hmmm, I wonder what happened to Reflector?
Yes, Skywarp and Thundercracker are Cyclonus (spacehip) and Scourge (different kind of spaceship). I am taking no arguments about that at this time. The rest of the Sweeps (spaceships that look like Scourge) are Insecticon clones since they can replicate on a dime and the originals seem to be fine.

I have no theories on “Armada.” Maybe he was just double vision caused by the power of Unicron. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Man, Nimoy really went for it all as Galvatron,  (big ole cannon) didn’t he?
Unicron- “Here’s a giant starship.” Galvatron- *Flies through space sitting in Cyclonus.*
Starscream’s demise is, and will likely remain, the greatest death in the franchise.

Jazz and Cliffjumper are on one of the moonbases, they’re OK!
Oh.. no they’re not. Unicron is eating that moon.
Oh wait, they are! Escape craft.

Oh… nope. Unicron ate that too, plus the other moon with Spike and Bumblebee with the famous SFK moment.
I can’t take this level of stress.
Daniel just watched his Dad get eaten. That boy’s going to need oodles of therapy regardless of how this turns out.

I love that the Sweeps have faces showing in their ship mode. It’s like a kid gave up half way through transforming a toy.

Once again, the priority for the planet of the humans falls in Autobot risk evaluations. They straight up ignore the Decepticon attack on Earth to head to the aid of Cybertron.
Maybe Sleezardo bought Devcon an espresso machine and that’s how we got Blurr. (spaceship that kinda looks like a spacey car)
“Hey, let’s bring the eleven-year-old,” at least makes a little sense this time, since they’re rescuing him from an attack. 
The Decepticons just stopped chasing them? Oh, no. There they are. Why did the Autobots assume they had stopped?  Because they’re morons.
In the background, Hot Rod is having his Luke Skywalker laser sword training moment against a (sentient? non-sentient? semi-sentient?) training droid. Cybertron is often confusing.
Stopping the missiles by inverted polarities! With all the cross overs, why hasn’t there been a Doctor Who / Transformers mash up. Imagine the TARDIS transforming!
Hot Rod and Kup have fallen into the killer, metal bottomed, robot fish filled ocean. Given that almost every other robot we’ve seen can transform, I’d like to see the alternate form of the fish… and the giant squid.

Hot Rod really is the Kyle Rayner of this franchise. He’s not as awesome as Optimus, but still a cool kid.
Why did we never see Spike’s exo-suit? Daniel is younger than he was when he met the Autobots, and he had no suit then. But this one fits his kid, implying that it came later and was modified. Is it built out of Autobot X parts?
The planet of Junk! Look, more robot facial hair!
The Universal greeting!! (Yes much of this movie “commentary” is just me excitedly shouting things.)
There are about eighty-seven varieties of unnamed “Sharkticons” here that look like many other animals. Too bad, except for the standard one, they got no toys. They would have looked great on Lee’s shelves.

There is far less Quinteson LORE than I expect whenever I watch this. We really have no idea who they are when the movie finishes. The weird techno organic hybrids working for them are a clue, I guess.
“You full of Beryllium Baloney!” “You full of Cesium Salami.” Gotta love the classics.
It’s Wheelie! (spacey little car) Y’know I’m a big rhyming fan but he really is immediately annoying.

I need to point out that Cyclonus is a beast! He takes out multiple huge spacecraft all on his own. No wonder Galvatron flies around in him.
“I have nothing but contempt for this court.” Is there any question why Hot Rod is worthy of the Matrix?

You go Kup! Ripping off a Sharkticon’s tail and beating the snot out of a bunch of them with it is magnificent. Don’t mess with the old guy.
Woo! Dinobot fueled slave rebellion!

The Junkions are all motorcycles because all their parts are interchangeable.
“Bah weep grah, nah weep ninny bong!” The universal greeting didn’t work the first time because the Sharkticons were slaves, but works with the Junkions. Man, I said that a lot in high school. And I wondered why I didn’t date much.

The Autobots are dancing with the Junkions. That means “Dare To Be Stupid” is actually playing in story.

The Junkions repaired a completely blown apart Ultra Magnus with minimal tools and robotic spit. Hey, here’s an idea! Why not bring the rest of the Autobots here that got blown to hell earlier?

Unicron’s MASSIVE transformation is still impressive. However, it would have been much better if every commercial and trailer didn’t spoil it.

Cybertron has a bustling Decepticon civilization at this point. That never comes up. It looked like a wasteland twenty years ago. Did Megatron steal that much Energon from Earth? Nah, it was probably that casino.
The Junkions ship is insanely durable. Unicron took out a Quinteson vessel with one shot, the Junk Ship keeps on truckin’.
“Me Grimlock kick butt!” Literally my large dopey friend. Excellent visual pun there.

Daniel is a liability escaping from the inner workings of Unicron…What. A. Shock.
Hey! There’s Reflector… falling into an acid pit in Unicron. Oh well, maybe the other two made it out?

Daniel’s Quick and the Dead moment to save his Dad goes way better than Sharon Stone’s did.
“ARISE RODIMUS PRIME!” That still gives me chills. How much more torch passing do you want? Optimus himself said it. “Fans” annoy me so much sometimes.

The Power of a Prime! It’s something to behold. Galvatron's blasts have zero effect on Rodimus. The same guy that vaporized Starscream in one shot. I think “The Touch” blaring out of the Matrix helped.

Rodimus Prime- “Transform and Roll Out!”
Me- *Every time I’ve seen this in the last thirty-nine years* “HE SAID THE THING! WOO HOO!!!!”
Jazz!! Cliffjumper!!! How did you survive? Who cares! At least two did… and then Carbomya shows up at the start of Season Three and they lose Cliffjumper with Casey Kasem. Sigh.
The Autobots celebrate winning the nine million (and twenty) year war! Hurray! Perhaps you should do something about the giant Unicron foot shaped holes all over Cybertron first, though.
Wait, Valentine Dyall, the Black Guardian himself, was Insecticon cricket Kickback? Did he lose a bet?

Click to Continue to Season Three

Click here for the Transformers Index