George Awards- "Classroom's Best Because...Well, No One's Allowed To Laugh There"

 

Warning

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.
Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.
End of Warning.

The George Awards for profanity in film for the 13th  outing moves along with a tribute to a fun flick from 1998 and me ranting about a movie I feel is heavily overrated from 1985.

I have mentioned this briefly in the past, and I know it will cause some to brand me as a traitor to my generation, but I have always hated The Breakfast Club with a fucking passion.

People talk about how it shows the true "types" of Eighties high school people and their interactions and has strong messages.

And that is an enormous crock of shit. 

When it came out, I was living the Eighties high school experience. It felt both incredibly inaccurate, cartoonishly simplified and totally fucking biased. 

No one I went to high school with fit into one single category, there were weird combinations and strange connections across all the groups. They were also stereotyped to be completely two dimensional. The fact that both young women in the film change to end up with the guys was also a problem. Then there's the big issue I mention any time this story comes up. The "nerd" willingly and happily agrees to do ALL OF THE FUCKING work for everyone else while they leave and have fun together. He is also is the only one who doesn't end up in a relationship when it ends, everyone is cool with that, and he displays no bitterness or even sarcasm about his shitty situation.

Fuck that.

There is a far better option for this kind of film, which can be summed up as "Robert Rodriguez sets The Thing  in a high school and crazy shit happens!"

I'm talking about The Faculty (1998)

It has a group of high school students from the same basic four groups, but these individuals have far more depth and variability to their personalities. Plus, there are shape shifting aliens that take people over... 

Which is a perfect pile of symbolism for high school trying to make people conform.

The cast is outstanding! 

For the main students:

Elijah Wood before he was Frodo- the nerd.

Shawn Hatosy before he was Doctor Abbott- The jock.

Jordanna Brewster before she was Mia Toretto- The popular girl.

Clea Duvall before The Intervention and The Happiest Season- The goth girl.

Josh Harnett before a bunch of quality stuff (sorry lost momentum on that one)- The burnout

Also, in a tiny role Usher Raymond (when he was already Usher.)

The Faculty of The Faculty scores even higher- Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen, Piper Laurie, Bebe Neuwirth, Robert Patrick and John Stewart. 

So you get The Breakfast Club personality groups dynamic but in a far cooler setting. The Jock and the Goth girl, (who show many more levels than just being a jock and a goth girl) end up together. The burnout guy sorrta ends up with a teacher (which, ok, is questionable I'll give you that, but it is more implied than stated, and there are other cushioning implieds- 

She's implied to be new and he's implied to have been in that school for significantly more than four years.) However, that allows the nerd and the popular girl (who are also FAR more than what their stereotypes usually show in these kind of films) can end up together. Also, all the characters grow and change after their ordeal.

And as far as George Award moments, given that the cast is dealing with tentacled, body horror shape shifting aliens, there are many.

It's pretty clear  the normally mousey Miss Burke (Jannsen) has been compromised when she threatens Zeke (Harnett) with 

"I'm sick of you, little boy! 

And if I have to see you peddling your little 'Wonder Dust' again

I'll shove my foot so far up your ass,

you'll be sucking my toes until graduation."

Zeke has his own moment later when Miss Burke's head gets separated, and then grows tentacles and crawls back to her body. (Don't worry, she's ok) 

"All right.

Fuck this, I'm out of here."

Earlier on in the invasion, after cutting off the possessed Mr. Furlong's (Stewart) fingers and stabbing him in the eye, someone finally had a practical reaction in a horror film:

Stokely (Duvall)- "Isn't this the part where someone says, 

'let's get the fuck out of here'?"

Stan (Hatosy)- "Let's get the fuck out of here."

(Don't worry he's ok too!)

Hell, there's an arguing couple of teenagers that are credited as:

Fuck You Boy 

and 

Fuck You Girl.

Truly this film is what cinema was made for.

Come back next week where I wonder if the George Awards needs a musical theater category